This is goodbye
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I love nights, and I hate them. I hate that I'm awake, but I don't particularly like sleeping either. It feels like I'm standing next to a deep pit, just waiting to fall in. I don't feel fun, I don't feel happy. My heart races several times a day, and I have no idea why. I feel closer to crying than I am to laughing, but normally I just feel blank. If this is me on the verge of depression just a few days before I go back to work, I have to congratulate myself. Well done, you fucking idiot.
I hate my hair (again) and I hate my face, especially the right side. I hate my thighs and my stomach. I hate my big nose and my small mouth and thin lips. I hate my crooked teeth. I hate my nails. I hate that I'm biting them again. I hate that I suck at life. At bettering myself. I always lose, no matter what. My apartment feels unfinished but I don't have any money to finish it with. I feel lonely and abandoned. Nothing is fun. Nothing.
The only good part about today was that my brother told me that Devil's Advocate was showing on TV, so I managed to watch the second half. I guess it is sort of depressing when the only thing that can cheer you up and make your life feel worthwhile is a movie on TV.
I just wanna go underground for a while. Not be seen, not be heard. I wanna forget who I am for some time. I know I can't escape myself. I don't know why I spend so much time in front of my computer, but sometimes it feels like my only friend. But there's also a saying that those friends who drain you of your energy, those you should leave behind. So I guess, I have to break up with my closest friend. I don't know how I'm gonna do that.
Why now? Why now?! It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be like this. Why can't I be someone else? Why can't I be different? Is this it? Is this all? 25 years of nothing. Worthlessness.
I hate this indescribable pain in my chest. It's not physical, it goes deeper than that. I should just lock myself up during the few days of "peace" that I have left and cry until I've lost 5 kilos. I bet I'm retaining a lot of water, and a lot of hurt...
This ends now.
I hate my hair (again) and I hate my face, especially the right side. I hate my thighs and my stomach. I hate my big nose and my small mouth and thin lips. I hate my crooked teeth. I hate my nails. I hate that I'm biting them again. I hate that I suck at life. At bettering myself. I always lose, no matter what. My apartment feels unfinished but I don't have any money to finish it with. I feel lonely and abandoned. Nothing is fun. Nothing.
The only good part about today was that my brother told me that Devil's Advocate was showing on TV, so I managed to watch the second half. I guess it is sort of depressing when the only thing that can cheer you up and make your life feel worthwhile is a movie on TV.
I just wanna go underground for a while. Not be seen, not be heard. I wanna forget who I am for some time. I know I can't escape myself. I don't know why I spend so much time in front of my computer, but sometimes it feels like my only friend. But there's also a saying that those friends who drain you of your energy, those you should leave behind. So I guess, I have to break up with my closest friend. I don't know how I'm gonna do that.
Why now? Why now?! It wasn't supposed to be like this. I wasn't supposed to be like this. Why can't I be someone else? Why can't I be different? Is this it? Is this all? 25 years of nothing. Worthlessness.
I hate this indescribable pain in my chest. It's not physical, it goes deeper than that. I should just lock myself up during the few days of "peace" that I have left and cry until I've lost 5 kilos. I bet I'm retaining a lot of water, and a lot of hurt...
This ends now.