empty threats.
i have a final tomorrow at 830 and i cant sleep. i cant sleep for the life of me.
i dont know where i got off tonight reading my old love letters. seriously, i think i read 'someone is thinking of you' 'youre important to me' 'youre the best thing thats ever happened' and i almost believe that i still am. i havent had the energy nor the time to journal about my weekly shawn excursion, and i'm almost sorry for you guys that read my entries sometimes.
so i was supposed to go over there and help pack, but poor baby was hung over from the night before so we slept. whats sweeter than that. i think i couldnt sleep because of how great i felt and i knew i couldnt get over that... and blah blah blah. every guy that ive dated, i'm not even laying couldnt compare. i dont think i could feel as secure and whole hearted.
i just wanted to say that tonight i was being highly irrational because i want shawn to tell me he loves me and make me empty promises about *maybe*... really i just want him to tell me he loves me and that i'm important to him and he maybe needs me, all these stupid things that i wanted before in our relationship. want to know what? i keep thinking about all these douche bags that i'm dating and how i'm wasting my time, that no one compares and i dont think anyone will. i'm scared that he's going to find someone else, and that certain someone will be the 'greatest thing that ever happened to him'.
whats my deal? i never fail to mention that i'm dating so-and-so. why? fuck for i know? its obviously not working (for me, or getting him back). i should just be honest, i should just be like HEY, IN THE MEAN TIME YOURE NOT AROUND I'M JUST TRYING TO FILL YOUR SPOT WITH GUYS THAT WILL PROFESS THEIR LOVE FOR ME. I'M (NOT?) TRYING TO REPLACE YOU, WITH HALF ASS ATTEMPTS. IN ALL HONESTY I STILL LOVE YOU, AND I'M TRYING TO NOT THINK ABOUT YOU AND THEYRE NOT HELPING BUT I CANT STAND TO BE LONELY. HAVE I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU?
and when i read that back, it doesnt even sound right.
i like the look on shawn's face when i'm about to leave and he's the most sincere and wants to just hug me. perhaps he has that look on his face all the time and i need to just learn how to look him in the eyes.
besides how do you just fall out of love? he's my favorite person in the world (still).
id also like to tell him: i'm sorry i make you mad, i have an explanation for them (whether they be good or bad). i wish i didnt stumble on my words and could tell you verbatim about how i felt, i wish you could do the same... i mean like say how you really feel about me. like in sweet words.
gah. i need to end this journal post now. im not making sense.
i dont know where i got off tonight reading my old love letters. seriously, i think i read 'someone is thinking of you' 'youre important to me' 'youre the best thing thats ever happened' and i almost believe that i still am. i havent had the energy nor the time to journal about my weekly shawn excursion, and i'm almost sorry for you guys that read my entries sometimes.
so i was supposed to go over there and help pack, but poor baby was hung over from the night before so we slept. whats sweeter than that. i think i couldnt sleep because of how great i felt and i knew i couldnt get over that... and blah blah blah. every guy that ive dated, i'm not even laying couldnt compare. i dont think i could feel as secure and whole hearted.
i just wanted to say that tonight i was being highly irrational because i want shawn to tell me he loves me and make me empty promises about *maybe*... really i just want him to tell me he loves me and that i'm important to him and he maybe needs me, all these stupid things that i wanted before in our relationship. want to know what? i keep thinking about all these douche bags that i'm dating and how i'm wasting my time, that no one compares and i dont think anyone will. i'm scared that he's going to find someone else, and that certain someone will be the 'greatest thing that ever happened to him'.
whats my deal? i never fail to mention that i'm dating so-and-so. why? fuck for i know? its obviously not working (for me, or getting him back). i should just be honest, i should just be like HEY, IN THE MEAN TIME YOURE NOT AROUND I'M JUST TRYING TO FILL YOUR SPOT WITH GUYS THAT WILL PROFESS THEIR LOVE FOR ME. I'M (NOT?) TRYING TO REPLACE YOU, WITH HALF ASS ATTEMPTS. IN ALL HONESTY I STILL LOVE YOU, AND I'M TRYING TO NOT THINK ABOUT YOU AND THEYRE NOT HELPING BUT I CANT STAND TO BE LONELY. HAVE I TOLD YOU I LOVE YOU?
and when i read that back, it doesnt even sound right.
i like the look on shawn's face when i'm about to leave and he's the most sincere and wants to just hug me. perhaps he has that look on his face all the time and i need to just learn how to look him in the eyes.
besides how do you just fall out of love? he's my favorite person in the world (still).
id also like to tell him: i'm sorry i make you mad, i have an explanation for them (whether they be good or bad). i wish i didnt stumble on my words and could tell you verbatim about how i felt, i wish you could do the same... i mean like say how you really feel about me. like in sweet words.
gah. i need to end this journal post now. im not making sense.