my black and white world.
in a white room, with black curtains.
what an interesting weekend.
mr.b pretty much stayed out of my weekend. and let's be honest, i got over not kissing him. i just did. i'm not falling in love, i'm falling into a neutral zone, but no greys and everything is just black and white. its a tuxedo world; black ties are everything. he didnt really do anything, but now that i'm sitting on monday and id like to explain why- not him.
saturday was a great bust with an unusual M-adventure. i dont really remember it. shawn and i had been playing phone tag all week. he tried to call me friday but i was with cris and the last thing i need is to be talking to mr.shawnr. around my best friend who i'm sure hates him with a flaming overtly bloody passion. i called him saturday morning before work, but i couldnt get ahold of him and off he was all day on this hike. he climbed a mountain, can you believe that? he was high above the clouds, so high that he saw sun and my baby got sunburn on his neck.
around late saturday, he called and i was finally sitting in my neutral zone and ready to talk. the capstone project is on its last leg, the parking garage that he designed is almost complete (amazing, isnt it?) but he might need to reschedule x-3 on sunday. with great dismay, i of course understand- i do bid him goodnight, goodluck, "shiella, i'll call you tomorrow." and i love that, i love being promised to hear his voice.
i like how shawn says that 'he might not' just to put himself in the clear and always comes through. on sunday i spent the morning angry and moody about whatever it was, and the great afflictions in my life. i spent the late afternoon in the not so crowded mall (just how i like it) shopping for a new hoodie, hat, tongue ring jewelry, and etc. doo-dads. much later afternoon mr.shawnr. calls my cell phone, and of course we see x3.
the couch, the bedroom, all the passionate musings. i like how shawn peeks under my hat to see me, smile at me, then kiss me. i like his act of irresistability, i just... so, the movie was good. if you havent seen it- DO.
after a prolonged lecture of the history of the xmen, age of apocalypse, gene gray musings, and 2 back massages later its almost 3 in the morning, and finally, exhaustion. next thing i hear is the snooze alarm, slight grumbling and like clockwork spooning is ensued.
its lunchtime and we're now at redrobin;
shiella: my dad thinks i'm graduating early because i want to get married.
shawn: why would he think that?
shiella: well, it was what i sort of wanted. you know: meet a guy while i was in college, graduate, get married, start a new life.
shawn:did you think that was going to be me?
shiella: yes.
and thats all i could say. i didnt even try to lie. and i thought about it, i thought about what he asked, the simple whiteroomed question and all i could think about was the black curtains that would cancel light out and suffocate me. because thats exactly what i wanted, and for the longest time its what i thought i had.
i though that he was it for me, as i was for him, and that he loved me like he hadnt ever loved before, as i him, and we would want that. we would want all those things. because whats better than being with him? for the longest time, nothing. and this little scope that i'm under, its all him. and i cant breathe just thinking about that. and i cant help how it wont escape my mind.
how simple he asked, how quickly i retorted. and how it took me so fast.
and thats why i cant fall in love with mr.b. thats why i cant fall in love with anyone else. because i havent fallen out of love, because passionate musings dont compare to the real thing even if it is just a broken memory.
and that, that is why i live in this white room. with black curtains. and i just wonder, did he know because he...too?
i'm hoping to fall from grace.