recent thoughts for these certain moments.
so i just came out of a 4.5 hour lab. i actually worked the entire lab time too. what was even better was that it didnt feel anywhere close to 4 hours. my body is exhausted, lets not be mistaken, but it felt just as long as my 3 hour lab which felt like an hour. time flies when youre drying TRIS, woooo TRRRRIIISSS. what am i doing this weekend? it is friday eve.
well i just got a message from pam and she was like, LETS HANG OUT; and i was thinking: Yes, LETS. last night just dawned on me that my boyfriend and i could surely go days without caring about what the other one feels? i mean lets look at this: i spend my entire day at school and when i'm not at school i'm usually reading or writing even more notes. its a shock that i had this time to journal this but i decided that i needed a little reward (aka a break) after the great lab period i had. when i get home its 5:00 and i'm ready to do even more homework. if i'm not doing that i'm passed out on my mother's couch with the tv turned on. shawn is... well who really knows anymore. i almost want to hurt my own feelings by saying that he's sort just not really around. i mean he cant focus at all when we're on the phone, he cant even be asked to call, and he's so busy with his own things.
and then i think, why cant we just be on our own?
why do you suppose i have to spend my time worrying about him, and why does he continue to give two shits about me when he i'm sure can wake up tomorrow and not even know i exist. i think we're sort of growing apart and i dont know yet if i should be okay with that. to be honest, i dont want to force myself on him as much as i love hime because i'm sick of asking him to love me as much as i love him. because i think love should me mutual and i think i almost deserve more. but i never want to say that because thats almost selfish, i just wish you know things could be better and things could be different.
i dont even know what i'm asking for.
i just want to feel like we're together and we're still alright, but when its been like this i almost dont think i have the energy to try and why should i bother. hi boyfriend, are you loosing interest in me?
i dont want to be with someone because id rather not be lonely. i want to be with shawn for all the right reasons, to love him the way i loved him when i first realized those crazy words. but i'm loosing feeling of that and i think he's been numb. i can see myself being without him now believe it or not. i would be lonely, depressed, and consume myself in my work. i dont think id ever really socialize and id listen to a lot more sad songs. but its okay for him because in a matter of months he'll be over all this and we'll be in two different worlds and it'll still be okay for him and he could function without me.
i think we could be okay without eachother. ill be okay without you if its what you think is for the best.
where are you nowadays anyway? why arent you ever excited to hear me on the phone? dont worry about paying attention to me.
i think i just prodded my heart with a carving knife.
p.s. shawn, things arent getting better.
so i say, yes. lets do something this weekend. any more takers? i'm down to getting smashed.
well i just got a message from pam and she was like, LETS HANG OUT; and i was thinking: Yes, LETS. last night just dawned on me that my boyfriend and i could surely go days without caring about what the other one feels? i mean lets look at this: i spend my entire day at school and when i'm not at school i'm usually reading or writing even more notes. its a shock that i had this time to journal this but i decided that i needed a little reward (aka a break) after the great lab period i had. when i get home its 5:00 and i'm ready to do even more homework. if i'm not doing that i'm passed out on my mother's couch with the tv turned on. shawn is... well who really knows anymore. i almost want to hurt my own feelings by saying that he's sort just not really around. i mean he cant focus at all when we're on the phone, he cant even be asked to call, and he's so busy with his own things.
and then i think, why cant we just be on our own?
why do you suppose i have to spend my time worrying about him, and why does he continue to give two shits about me when he i'm sure can wake up tomorrow and not even know i exist. i think we're sort of growing apart and i dont know yet if i should be okay with that. to be honest, i dont want to force myself on him as much as i love hime because i'm sick of asking him to love me as much as i love him. because i think love should me mutual and i think i almost deserve more. but i never want to say that because thats almost selfish, i just wish you know things could be better and things could be different.
i dont even know what i'm asking for.
i just want to feel like we're together and we're still alright, but when its been like this i almost dont think i have the energy to try and why should i bother. hi boyfriend, are you loosing interest in me?
i dont want to be with someone because id rather not be lonely. i want to be with shawn for all the right reasons, to love him the way i loved him when i first realized those crazy words. but i'm loosing feeling of that and i think he's been numb. i can see myself being without him now believe it or not. i would be lonely, depressed, and consume myself in my work. i dont think id ever really socialize and id listen to a lot more sad songs. but its okay for him because in a matter of months he'll be over all this and we'll be in two different worlds and it'll still be okay for him and he could function without me.
i think we could be okay without eachother. ill be okay without you if its what you think is for the best.
where are you nowadays anyway? why arent you ever excited to hear me on the phone? dont worry about paying attention to me.
i think i just prodded my heart with a carving knife.
p.s. shawn, things arent getting better.
so i say, yes. lets do something this weekend. any more takers? i'm down to getting smashed.