(no subject)
yesterday was a good day. at the end, i felt like the begining had not existed and i had slept soundly and caught up with my problems in what seemed like forever.
cristi and i hung out yesterday. she was over at the house before i even got home. its nice to see a familiar face there to comfort and console, its just nice. and we hung around whatever. we spend the afternoon watching sitcoms until the great climax that is that 70's show. i couldnt tell you the episode, they all seemed the same and halfway through the 1st one we both passed out on the couch underneath the warm hello kitty blanket.
okay, so i was really hung up about shawn not calling. i really, really was. because last time he called me at around 5:30 and 5:30 came and went and there was nothing. i was downstairs in my pit of disgust, cristi waiting for brandon to call and i already accepting that shawn would not.
around 8:00 i decided to go upstairs and check my messages. i fucking knew that i wouldnt have a damn thing on my phone but i was still stubborn and checked it. well, well, well, he did call. he called at 6:30 to be exact. and i honestly had not been so happier. and i called him back, which i felt was appropriate since cristi was LONG DEAD on my couch. (HE ACTUALLY CALLED AND I WAS ACTUALLY EXPECTING IT)
and we talked. and it wasnt one of those terse conversations, we talked for hours. and i spilled my guts and thanks to his flu and cold medicine, he spilled all of his. i like to really kick them when theyre down.
alright. so that whole thing about how i really have to get my hand back and stuff. i had, I SO HAD IT. he went to further say that he didnt really know me that well (which he doesnt because we've only been like hanging out for like 3 weeks) but he does LIKE ME and if i want on my side perhaps wanted to see if a relationship could possibly work, then that would be possible. that means HE WANTS TO START DATING ME. and he would get all flustered when i told him that we we did didnt mean anything to me, as it shouldnt, and he said that it totally did. because if we stopped hanging out and i stopped going over to his place for said intentions, then he wouldnt not only loose the "intention" then he would also loose a friend. HOW FUCKING SWEET IS THAT. he was going on about how i send him mixed signals, and how he did want to hang out with me afterwards but i always left but i never thought he really wanted to hang out; and it was just nice to hear. he wants me to call him on weekends and make plans with him. and he wanted to me to comeover last night and spend the night at his place. do you knoe how bold that statement is? "shiella, will you spend the night?" its almost as crazy "shiella, you should just leave some stuff here." son of a bitch, this has been the best flu season EVER. im so glad i could say all these things because every ounce of it is so true and he was so sincere and i love it when he's angry about how i mistake things he does and he does like me. HE REALLY LIKES ME.
in my righteous mind i wouldnt ever want him to say 'shiella will you be my girlfriend'. i know we didnt start off on the right foot to have a relationship, and i know if dating between us doesnt work then we could at least still be friends and have our benefits. i dont really want to be exclusive. i want to be able to go out on weekends and party hard, get intoxicated and make out with random guys and girls (har har). its not that i'm promiscous, its that i know that he's the same way. i couldnt ask someone in our environment to be exclusive. COLLEGE IS CRAWLING WITH SEX.
btw, i saw camacho yesterday. and she is all about the corruption, and i am the perfect person to let hell break loose.
i was looking through my box of razors, gutted pens, foil, and all that periphenilia (sp), and i found the tissue that always cut my wrists with. yes, i never throw the blood rags that i bleed on. i use them over and over again. i finally saw that there was no room for the blood, like it had been soaked and i wonder how i really managed without all of that blood. its like everyone is more abundant in that one thing than myself. i'm almost jealous. i wish i could say that i honestly am happy about quitting the drugs and cutting but i miss it more everyday and the withdrawls are happeneing without a vengence.
drugs are only so good because its not going to breathe down your back about how terrible it is. its always going to be there, its always going to treat you just right, and its always going to make you happy. you dont have to concern yourself with any of its emotional trash, because it doesnt have any and you dont feel like your stepping on its toes. itll always be there, no matter what and itll take you to the sweet spot everytime. and when you do it, youre instantly happy as if the world could never hurt you and everything is okay. everything is an accident, and no one is rude on purpose and you dont care. there is not a care in the world. in reality, i have to deal with school and success. on top of that i have to deal with people and stepping on toes, i feel like i'm not big enough sometimes to handle all of that, that i would just be happy with dealing with school. i think thats why ive been on a massive hiatus, and i dont have to deal with anything except the essentials. in this limbo no one is upset with me, and i can just be at peace. i could write a bible about how being on drugs is, and i lived by that religiously. i'm looking for the reason as to why its bad, i just know now that i am quitting for me.
i dont know how karen convinced me to quit cutting for myself. never in a million years did i think that i could give this up. cutting is like drugs, but rather than one concrete answer where x = 4, cutting is a series where x approaches infinity. and in this series, there are loops and turns, like the absolute value of a inverse tangent function / ln (n) ^ (4e^n+1) as n approaches infinity. thats how ridiculous it is. ps, the only person that would understand that is cristi, so dont think... yeah. i like not being able to feel straight, and that something could send me so over the edge that i cant even stand or i know id fall over. i'm nauseous. and i'm hungry, i cant speak and i could barely breathe, and i liked it, just like that. i loved cutting all around my wrists until i felt like my hands were going to fall off. and i i would bend them so the blood would trickle down my finger tips and i was so happy. i was so happy to be in that pain and to not have anything touch me. what could be better than that? absolutely nothing.
im trying my hardest. i'm sort of at peace right now though. i'm starting a relationship with someone, i'm closing the gaps to things, and i'm almost certain that ill start to see the light soon in this tunnel.
im happy with shawn and this "relationship" we had, because he's ambitious, and funny, and he wont live off of everything i do but he has his own things. i wont feel like i'm being suffocated, and ill feel guilty if i do anything bad because he's not so submissive.
i feel like im high. i feel high right now. like im so sober and i havent been here in so long that it feels high. i feel high sitting here in this room like this is all a dream and i have to wake up. i felt like this once, and i had to really fight to understand that i was in the chem lab at GRCC and i was going to go to class soon. i feel high right now, i feel like everything isnt real, and this is a dream, that i could spin in a circle and say anything and i could wake up and escape it. i'm in a dream right now. i'm in a dream and everything is going exactly my way, and these people arent real. this is one big hallucination, with too much acid. i feel like i'm tripping, i feel like im in a fucking dream. i'm floaty like a monster,a nd i feel outrageous. all you have to do now is kill me and ill be even higher. son of a bitch, this is awesome.
i have to get out of this room, i am insane.
say that you love me.
*10 Places I have visited*
01) spain
02) france
03) germany
04) italy
05) korea
06) thailand
07) japan
08) china
09) hong kong
10) england
*9 Random facts about me*
01) i like to use the most obscure words in daily conversations
02) i highlight the best part of books and when i'm bored ill go through all my books and just read the highlighted parts
03) yesterday, i had my dad put another bar in my closet so i could have an excuse to buy more clothes. i'm obsessed
04) i have 2 amazing paths in my life that i'm about to take, and i dont have a clue as to which i want more.
05) i go through friends like bobbypins. i always have to attach myself, its for the best
06) i have no sense of time or direction
07) ive only been dumped once, and i later dated him again so i could dump him
08) i have a hello kitty tattoo
09) i make awesome brownies
*8 people I need in my life* ---- (note: this is NOT in order so no BITCHING)
01) mom
02) dad (as hard as that is to believe)
03) my sister
04) -- thats all. i could live without anyone else, but without them i'd be annihlated.
05)
06)
07)
08)
*7 things I believe in*
01) knowing when its meant to be
02) your wish will always come true at 11:11
03) love and everything that comes with it
04) karma
05) --
06) --
07) -- i trust nothing. harrrr.
*6 of my favorite things in my bedroom*
01) my hello kitty stuffed animals on my wall
02) my clothes
03) my books
03) the stereo
04) the chinese umbrella hanging down
05) the pictures of my sister
06) and the pile of dirty or worn clothes on the closet floor
*5 Things I want to do before I die*
01) have beautiful children
02) find my soulmate
03) create a love thatll last till the end of time
04) clone something (yeah, i'm weird)
05) write a book
*4 things I fear*
01) my obsession with cutting
02) getting my heart broken
03) being alone
04) and yes, not being remmbrd
*3 things I do everyday*
01) sleep
02) dream
03) journal
*2 ways to win my heart*
01) uhm, i totally dig guys who are past multivariable calculus. rawr.
02) independence
cristi and i hung out yesterday. she was over at the house before i even got home. its nice to see a familiar face there to comfort and console, its just nice. and we hung around whatever. we spend the afternoon watching sitcoms until the great climax that is that 70's show. i couldnt tell you the episode, they all seemed the same and halfway through the 1st one we both passed out on the couch underneath the warm hello kitty blanket.
okay, so i was really hung up about shawn not calling. i really, really was. because last time he called me at around 5:30 and 5:30 came and went and there was nothing. i was downstairs in my pit of disgust, cristi waiting for brandon to call and i already accepting that shawn would not.
around 8:00 i decided to go upstairs and check my messages. i fucking knew that i wouldnt have a damn thing on my phone but i was still stubborn and checked it. well, well, well, he did call. he called at 6:30 to be exact. and i honestly had not been so happier. and i called him back, which i felt was appropriate since cristi was LONG DEAD on my couch. (HE ACTUALLY CALLED AND I WAS ACTUALLY EXPECTING IT)
and we talked. and it wasnt one of those terse conversations, we talked for hours. and i spilled my guts and thanks to his flu and cold medicine, he spilled all of his. i like to really kick them when theyre down.
alright. so that whole thing about how i really have to get my hand back and stuff. i had, I SO HAD IT. he went to further say that he didnt really know me that well (which he doesnt because we've only been like hanging out for like 3 weeks) but he does LIKE ME and if i want on my side perhaps wanted to see if a relationship could possibly work, then that would be possible. that means HE WANTS TO START DATING ME. and he would get all flustered when i told him that we we did didnt mean anything to me, as it shouldnt, and he said that it totally did. because if we stopped hanging out and i stopped going over to his place for said intentions, then he wouldnt not only loose the "intention" then he would also loose a friend. HOW FUCKING SWEET IS THAT. he was going on about how i send him mixed signals, and how he did want to hang out with me afterwards but i always left but i never thought he really wanted to hang out; and it was just nice to hear. he wants me to call him on weekends and make plans with him. and he wanted to me to comeover last night and spend the night at his place. do you knoe how bold that statement is? "shiella, will you spend the night?" its almost as crazy "shiella, you should just leave some stuff here." son of a bitch, this has been the best flu season EVER. im so glad i could say all these things because every ounce of it is so true and he was so sincere and i love it when he's angry about how i mistake things he does and he does like me. HE REALLY LIKES ME.
in my righteous mind i wouldnt ever want him to say 'shiella will you be my girlfriend'. i know we didnt start off on the right foot to have a relationship, and i know if dating between us doesnt work then we could at least still be friends and have our benefits. i dont really want to be exclusive. i want to be able to go out on weekends and party hard, get intoxicated and make out with random guys and girls (har har). its not that i'm promiscous, its that i know that he's the same way. i couldnt ask someone in our environment to be exclusive. COLLEGE IS CRAWLING WITH SEX.
btw, i saw camacho yesterday. and she is all about the corruption, and i am the perfect person to let hell break loose.
i was looking through my box of razors, gutted pens, foil, and all that periphenilia (sp), and i found the tissue that always cut my wrists with. yes, i never throw the blood rags that i bleed on. i use them over and over again. i finally saw that there was no room for the blood, like it had been soaked and i wonder how i really managed without all of that blood. its like everyone is more abundant in that one thing than myself. i'm almost jealous. i wish i could say that i honestly am happy about quitting the drugs and cutting but i miss it more everyday and the withdrawls are happeneing without a vengence.
drugs are only so good because its not going to breathe down your back about how terrible it is. its always going to be there, its always going to treat you just right, and its always going to make you happy. you dont have to concern yourself with any of its emotional trash, because it doesnt have any and you dont feel like your stepping on its toes. itll always be there, no matter what and itll take you to the sweet spot everytime. and when you do it, youre instantly happy as if the world could never hurt you and everything is okay. everything is an accident, and no one is rude on purpose and you dont care. there is not a care in the world. in reality, i have to deal with school and success. on top of that i have to deal with people and stepping on toes, i feel like i'm not big enough sometimes to handle all of that, that i would just be happy with dealing with school. i think thats why ive been on a massive hiatus, and i dont have to deal with anything except the essentials. in this limbo no one is upset with me, and i can just be at peace. i could write a bible about how being on drugs is, and i lived by that religiously. i'm looking for the reason as to why its bad, i just know now that i am quitting for me.
i dont know how karen convinced me to quit cutting for myself. never in a million years did i think that i could give this up. cutting is like drugs, but rather than one concrete answer where x = 4, cutting is a series where x approaches infinity. and in this series, there are loops and turns, like the absolute value of a inverse tangent function / ln (n) ^ (4e^n+1) as n approaches infinity. thats how ridiculous it is. ps, the only person that would understand that is cristi, so dont think... yeah. i like not being able to feel straight, and that something could send me so over the edge that i cant even stand or i know id fall over. i'm nauseous. and i'm hungry, i cant speak and i could barely breathe, and i liked it, just like that. i loved cutting all around my wrists until i felt like my hands were going to fall off. and i i would bend them so the blood would trickle down my finger tips and i was so happy. i was so happy to be in that pain and to not have anything touch me. what could be better than that? absolutely nothing.
im trying my hardest. i'm sort of at peace right now though. i'm starting a relationship with someone, i'm closing the gaps to things, and i'm almost certain that ill start to see the light soon in this tunnel.
im happy with shawn and this "relationship" we had, because he's ambitious, and funny, and he wont live off of everything i do but he has his own things. i wont feel like i'm being suffocated, and ill feel guilty if i do anything bad because he's not so submissive.
i feel like im high. i feel high right now. like im so sober and i havent been here in so long that it feels high. i feel high sitting here in this room like this is all a dream and i have to wake up. i felt like this once, and i had to really fight to understand that i was in the chem lab at GRCC and i was going to go to class soon. i feel high right now, i feel like everything isnt real, and this is a dream, that i could spin in a circle and say anything and i could wake up and escape it. i'm in a dream right now. i'm in a dream and everything is going exactly my way, and these people arent real. this is one big hallucination, with too much acid. i feel like i'm tripping, i feel like im in a fucking dream. i'm floaty like a monster,a nd i feel outrageous. all you have to do now is kill me and ill be even higher. son of a bitch, this is awesome.
i have to get out of this room, i am insane.
say that you love me.
*10 Places I have visited*
01) spain
02) france
03) germany
04) italy
05) korea
06) thailand
07) japan
08) china
09) hong kong
10) england
*9 Random facts about me*
01) i like to use the most obscure words in daily conversations
02) i highlight the best part of books and when i'm bored ill go through all my books and just read the highlighted parts
03) yesterday, i had my dad put another bar in my closet so i could have an excuse to buy more clothes. i'm obsessed
04) i have 2 amazing paths in my life that i'm about to take, and i dont have a clue as to which i want more.
05) i go through friends like bobbypins. i always have to attach myself, its for the best
06) i have no sense of time or direction
07) ive only been dumped once, and i later dated him again so i could dump him
08) i have a hello kitty tattoo
09) i make awesome brownies
*8 people I need in my life* ---- (note: this is NOT in order so no BITCHING)
01) mom
02) dad (as hard as that is to believe)
03) my sister
04) -- thats all. i could live without anyone else, but without them i'd be annihlated.
05)
06)
07)
08)
*7 things I believe in*
01) knowing when its meant to be
02) your wish will always come true at 11:11
03) love and everything that comes with it
04) karma
05) --
06) --
07) -- i trust nothing. harrrr.
*6 of my favorite things in my bedroom*
01) my hello kitty stuffed animals on my wall
02) my clothes
03) my books
03) the stereo
04) the chinese umbrella hanging down
05) the pictures of my sister
06) and the pile of dirty or worn clothes on the closet floor
*5 Things I want to do before I die*
01) have beautiful children
02) find my soulmate
03) create a love thatll last till the end of time
04) clone something (yeah, i'm weird)
05) write a book
*4 things I fear*
01) my obsession with cutting
02) getting my heart broken
03) being alone
04) and yes, not being remmbrd
*3 things I do everyday*
01) sleep
02) dream
03) journal
*2 ways to win my heart*
01) uhm, i totally dig guys who are past multivariable calculus. rawr.
02) independence