The Letterman's Jacket.
my life is a flow chart;
and one side still grows and i'm watching it, almost missing it, while the other side just flourishes and takes unexpected turns. i'm really excited about everything thats been going on. i mean school has been fabulous, i'm staying on top of my classes (except my chem reading, YES ILL DO IT).
i thought about how i missed amy and janie today, like a lot as i have been, and i wonder if i hung out with them now, through all these weird changes that ive made if my mommy will still be the same mommy and if amy will still be my big sister.
i wonder if i sit in dalva if ill feel home and infinite again where i wont need stimulants and intoxicants and everything will be okay. itll be okay for me to talk about my feelings, and to cry. i wonder if i never really changed, that i just got sidetracked, and who i was sitting in dalva is really me. because i liked myself the most when i was in that car.
i miss infinity.
yesterday i hung out with shawn. OH YES YOULL READ ALL ABOUT IT.
he came and got me right after my class in mueller hall. he was just sitting there on the bench outside, chilling and i walked up to him and he suddenly got the fattiest grin on his face. never have i ever been so happy to see someone right?
and we sat there, and we ate lunch. well, my lunch because college boys dont have any money to eat. THEY CERTAINLY DO NOT. i mean, the most he has in his fridge is whipcream (scandal). it was a complete meal, sandwich, granola bar, and a peanut butter cup.
so we just sat and talked and then we went back to the apt and that was hot as sin. i was sort of standing there looking at myself in the mirror and after he got off the phone he did the tackle thing. and it was so nice. he's such a nice kosher kisser. haa.
the thing is he doesnt eat my face and he just does it so passionately and i almost feel bad when i stick my tongue in his throat. and let me tell you he pointed this out to me. "INVASION" as we'd like to call it.
after we just layed there and cuddled. we cuddled like a mother fucker. i swear of all the people ive cuddled with he's so awesome. SO AWESOME. and it was so nice how he was laying there and it was hardcore spoonidge and he goes:
"this, this right here is nice. this feels so nice." and we never got up and it was just.
holy shit.
im extatic.
and i realized, yes i did realize that we're just friends. and ill eat that, ILL FUCKING SCARF IT DOWN, i dont care, because he's so good at cuddling, that its okay. because god, how often do you get someone who cares about you and your best friend's friendship, takes an active interest in your interest, compliments you on your hair color and asks if your pants are new. i mean son of a bitch.
fucking figured the next guy id date itll be a really nice long relationship. i think that im in the wrong age because my mindset is so far beyond 18 years old. i sort of want to settle and be comfortable with someone for a while, not mind being exclusive, and certainly staying faithful.
i think we're making plans tomorrow, and i'm excited about that. uhm, i suppose i do have more to say, but just the nice parts i wanted to tell everyone. yes, be jealous.
he's like you know those guys back in highschool that were like the big jock football player (HE WAS FUCKING CAPTAIN, OH YES) but you knew he had a great personality but he never showed it? and you totally wish you could date him but you were too busy with your school work that it just wouldnt work out, and that youd never be in any social position to even utter a word around him. well, i have him now. he's not mine but he isnt exactly with anyone else and i'm not either, but those gates are wide open. whatever, thats who shawn is. HE HAD A LETTERMANS.
oh man laugh. i saw it, it was hot. i never would have dated a guy with that back in highschool.
"dont let it get weird shiella."
i have homework to do........ yes.
and one side still grows and i'm watching it, almost missing it, while the other side just flourishes and takes unexpected turns. i'm really excited about everything thats been going on. i mean school has been fabulous, i'm staying on top of my classes (except my chem reading, YES ILL DO IT).
i thought about how i missed amy and janie today, like a lot as i have been, and i wonder if i hung out with them now, through all these weird changes that ive made if my mommy will still be the same mommy and if amy will still be my big sister.
i wonder if i sit in dalva if ill feel home and infinite again where i wont need stimulants and intoxicants and everything will be okay. itll be okay for me to talk about my feelings, and to cry. i wonder if i never really changed, that i just got sidetracked, and who i was sitting in dalva is really me. because i liked myself the most when i was in that car.
i miss infinity.
yesterday i hung out with shawn. OH YES YOULL READ ALL ABOUT IT.
he came and got me right after my class in mueller hall. he was just sitting there on the bench outside, chilling and i walked up to him and he suddenly got the fattiest grin on his face. never have i ever been so happy to see someone right?
and we sat there, and we ate lunch. well, my lunch because college boys dont have any money to eat. THEY CERTAINLY DO NOT. i mean, the most he has in his fridge is whipcream (scandal). it was a complete meal, sandwich, granola bar, and a peanut butter cup.
so we just sat and talked and then we went back to the apt and that was hot as sin. i was sort of standing there looking at myself in the mirror and after he got off the phone he did the tackle thing. and it was so nice. he's such a nice kosher kisser. haa.
the thing is he doesnt eat my face and he just does it so passionately and i almost feel bad when i stick my tongue in his throat. and let me tell you he pointed this out to me. "INVASION" as we'd like to call it.
after we just layed there and cuddled. we cuddled like a mother fucker. i swear of all the people ive cuddled with he's so awesome. SO AWESOME. and it was so nice how he was laying there and it was hardcore spoonidge and he goes:
"this, this right here is nice. this feels so nice." and we never got up and it was just.
holy shit.
im extatic.
and i realized, yes i did realize that we're just friends. and ill eat that, ILL FUCKING SCARF IT DOWN, i dont care, because he's so good at cuddling, that its okay. because god, how often do you get someone who cares about you and your best friend's friendship, takes an active interest in your interest, compliments you on your hair color and asks if your pants are new. i mean son of a bitch.
fucking figured the next guy id date itll be a really nice long relationship. i think that im in the wrong age because my mindset is so far beyond 18 years old. i sort of want to settle and be comfortable with someone for a while, not mind being exclusive, and certainly staying faithful.
i think we're making plans tomorrow, and i'm excited about that. uhm, i suppose i do have more to say, but just the nice parts i wanted to tell everyone. yes, be jealous.
he's like you know those guys back in highschool that were like the big jock football player (HE WAS FUCKING CAPTAIN, OH YES) but you knew he had a great personality but he never showed it? and you totally wish you could date him but you were too busy with your school work that it just wouldnt work out, and that youd never be in any social position to even utter a word around him. well, i have him now. he's not mine but he isnt exactly with anyone else and i'm not either, but those gates are wide open. whatever, thats who shawn is. HE HAD A LETTERMANS.
oh man laugh. i saw it, it was hot. i never would have dated a guy with that back in highschool.
"dont let it get weird shiella."
i have homework to do........ yes.