Life keeps fucking me in my ass hole.
it hurts to talk. I dont feel like being social. I'm just going through the motions every morning, waking up early, skipping my last classes and going home.. I try to sleep off most of the day til sundown.. Despite being totally hungry during the day, I dont eat much, food doesnt even taste the same. and at night I go to my aunts, come back home at 11, and cry til i fall asleep. Yesterday was by far the worst day i can remember in a long time.
She's really dying. I can see it in her face.. Her eyebrowless eyelashless eyes are sunken, her lids flutter as her eyes roll upward with pain.. everytime I see her do that I keep thinking, "oh no.. dont let this be the moment.. not yet..." and then she takes another breath. Normally she never complains, no matter how hard her life is, what a dick her husband is, no matter what, my aunt never says anything negative.. yesterday she kept crying from the unbearable pain and saying, "i'm so tired.. it hurts so much.." at which point my mother would break out into sobs and my aunt would break out into sobs, and it was just aweful. I tried to lift the mood and change the subject.. I snuggled up to her in bed and hugged her and reminded her about when I was 3 or 4 and was spending the night at her house and told her I had to use the potty (I had made up a funny word for it that only my parents knew-- I called it "tissa noo noo" literally something like "little tinkle") and she at the time had no idea what tissa noo noo was.. she smiled and said, "those were some realy good times.." I kept remembering how many times I had slpet over at her house when I was mad at my mom, how many times I've had lunch there, how many times she and i would sit and wtach tv together and gossip and she would always tell me how pretty I was or how nice I looked.. I would never take her word for it--Tante Nashwa was always too nice-- should could think I looked wonderful if i was in my pajamas.. but now sadly i keep thinking how nice it was to have someone who thought the world of u, even if u arent beautiful or perfect. No one else can take her place for me. No one will ever lift me up when i'm down like her, or give so unconditionally..My own mother couldnt give me that.
And what kills me is that through it all, she would stop to smile at me and tell me she liked my outfit or to ask me how was khaled, or to tell my mom that she should go home bc my mom looked tired.. She was sad that her kids kept crying bc of her condition.. even her dick husband she didnt want to upset.. It seems when u live ur entire life selfless u die that way too.
after numerous shots and pain killers she began to get drowsy.. I think she's going through liver failure at this point.. her potassium is really low.. i think that causes brain edema.. i think that's why she's starting to not make sense when she's talking, or maybe its the high levels of ammonia from the liver failure.. I dont know. Somehow when the patient is someone u care about u forget all the things u ever knew before,all the medicine I've been studying for 6 years down the drain, and all ur left with is fear.. I literally hate answering the phone now bc I'm afraid the next time someone calls its going to be to say that she has passed.
No one except my own family or people who know and love her can possible understand my loss and how i feel, which is why talking to them is meaningless.. I feel like a zombie, so talking to other ppl about what's going on in my life these days looks like either I'm fishing for sympathy or just makes me sound soo "ka2eeba" depressing that in my normal state, even I wouldnt want to talk to me.. So basically I dont talk to anyone any more.. The only person I can reach out to is Khaled, but I'm worried that he's getting suffocated from listening to me be a zombie. And he's the only one who's hug i could ask for right now.
Sorry to whine.. this wasnt really meant to be read, it was mostly for documentation of this sad moment in time.. I know tante nashwa wont be with us for much longer and I want to be able to remember what the last things she said to me were when she was conscious. I wish I had taken more pitures of us together while she was alive. I dont think I have any as an adult. I promise from here on out I will never let this happen with anyone else I care about again.
Tho i really cant focus at all on school work, i have an exam on 70 pages of urology (i havent even opened them yet) in 2 days. My relationship with khaled is plummeting (we cant seem to get a time where we can meet--mostly i want his shoulder to cry on and he's busy so i feel neglected--plus we had some huge fights about his mom lately and his ass hole little bro has really hit a nerve with me lately, so I'm guessing this will be the issue of our next fight) and i keep having nightmares that khaled's cheating on me with Sondus. I'm supposedly fasting (no food or water til sun down) and in this heat the dehyrdation makes me really irritable and its hard to study when ur so damn thirsty. I hate this whole damn month of Ramadan. Its been nothing but a nusance since it started-- no sleep, major thirst, bad traffic, no time to study, constantly tired..
Life keeps fucking me in my ass hole.
She's really dying. I can see it in her face.. Her eyebrowless eyelashless eyes are sunken, her lids flutter as her eyes roll upward with pain.. everytime I see her do that I keep thinking, "oh no.. dont let this be the moment.. not yet..." and then she takes another breath. Normally she never complains, no matter how hard her life is, what a dick her husband is, no matter what, my aunt never says anything negative.. yesterday she kept crying from the unbearable pain and saying, "i'm so tired.. it hurts so much.." at which point my mother would break out into sobs and my aunt would break out into sobs, and it was just aweful. I tried to lift the mood and change the subject.. I snuggled up to her in bed and hugged her and reminded her about when I was 3 or 4 and was spending the night at her house and told her I had to use the potty (I had made up a funny word for it that only my parents knew-- I called it "tissa noo noo" literally something like "little tinkle") and she at the time had no idea what tissa noo noo was.. she smiled and said, "those were some realy good times.." I kept remembering how many times I had slpet over at her house when I was mad at my mom, how many times I've had lunch there, how many times she and i would sit and wtach tv together and gossip and she would always tell me how pretty I was or how nice I looked.. I would never take her word for it--Tante Nashwa was always too nice-- should could think I looked wonderful if i was in my pajamas.. but now sadly i keep thinking how nice it was to have someone who thought the world of u, even if u arent beautiful or perfect. No one else can take her place for me. No one will ever lift me up when i'm down like her, or give so unconditionally..My own mother couldnt give me that.
And what kills me is that through it all, she would stop to smile at me and tell me she liked my outfit or to ask me how was khaled, or to tell my mom that she should go home bc my mom looked tired.. She was sad that her kids kept crying bc of her condition.. even her dick husband she didnt want to upset.. It seems when u live ur entire life selfless u die that way too.
after numerous shots and pain killers she began to get drowsy.. I think she's going through liver failure at this point.. her potassium is really low.. i think that causes brain edema.. i think that's why she's starting to not make sense when she's talking, or maybe its the high levels of ammonia from the liver failure.. I dont know. Somehow when the patient is someone u care about u forget all the things u ever knew before,all the medicine I've been studying for 6 years down the drain, and all ur left with is fear.. I literally hate answering the phone now bc I'm afraid the next time someone calls its going to be to say that she has passed.
No one except my own family or people who know and love her can possible understand my loss and how i feel, which is why talking to them is meaningless.. I feel like a zombie, so talking to other ppl about what's going on in my life these days looks like either I'm fishing for sympathy or just makes me sound soo "ka2eeba" depressing that in my normal state, even I wouldnt want to talk to me.. So basically I dont talk to anyone any more.. The only person I can reach out to is Khaled, but I'm worried that he's getting suffocated from listening to me be a zombie. And he's the only one who's hug i could ask for right now.
Sorry to whine.. this wasnt really meant to be read, it was mostly for documentation of this sad moment in time.. I know tante nashwa wont be with us for much longer and I want to be able to remember what the last things she said to me were when she was conscious. I wish I had taken more pitures of us together while she was alive. I dont think I have any as an adult. I promise from here on out I will never let this happen with anyone else I care about again.
Tho i really cant focus at all on school work, i have an exam on 70 pages of urology (i havent even opened them yet) in 2 days. My relationship with khaled is plummeting (we cant seem to get a time where we can meet--mostly i want his shoulder to cry on and he's busy so i feel neglected--plus we had some huge fights about his mom lately and his ass hole little bro has really hit a nerve with me lately, so I'm guessing this will be the issue of our next fight) and i keep having nightmares that khaled's cheating on me with Sondus. I'm supposedly fasting (no food or water til sun down) and in this heat the dehyrdation makes me really irritable and its hard to study when ur so damn thirsty. I hate this whole damn month of Ramadan. Its been nothing but a nusance since it started-- no sleep, major thirst, bad traffic, no time to study, constantly tired..
Life keeps fucking me in my ass hole.