Haven't done a review in a while, though I have seen a couple of movies in the past, um, months.
So. Book of Eli.
I really really wanted this book to not be the Bible. Nothing against the Bible, but it seemed obvious and kinda annoying and like the movie was setting itself up to be preachy, which, in fact, it was. I was hoping that it would seem like the book was the Bible, and then the twist would be that it was a science textbook or something. Anything.
But no, it's the bible. It's said in the movie that this is (people think) the last one, because they were all burned during/after the horrible war that gives the movie its whole bleak, barren, sun-burnt flavor of post-apocalyptic feel. For being the cause of the war, I assume, though the movie doesn't go into anything about other holy books of other faiths (thanks, movie!). Gary Oldman, who should really be in better movies than this (Ditto Denzel Washington, but at least he got to kick ass and wear sunglasses), plays the two dimensional villain who wants to use the book to control people. Yes, yes, we get it: people use religion in bad ways, and can direct fear as much as faith. Trust me, we got it. But in case you didn't get it, the movie will happily give you another hour of it.
Also, apparently he needs an actual bible to do this - I assumed because people still remembered the bible enough to know if he was just making shit up, but if that's the case, then, well, why does he need the bible? No one remembers Christianity enough to cobble something together? But they remember it enough not to let him make shit up? Do you really think that, post-apocalypse, there will be no religion because someone burnt the books? Really? So the only thing that matters is this one copy of the bible? What?
We're going to skip over all the bits with fights and things, because it's late and I'm tired, and this movie really wasn't very good. There was one nicely done fight scene (done in silhouette under a bridge), but the rest were pretty meh, and cases of "Good guy is a preternaturally good shot, badguys couldn't hit the ground without the help of gravity." And we are also skipping over the hooker with the heart of gold. Sigh. Blind hooker.
So, the twist. Isn't about the book in the way I wanted it to be. Is about the book in that it turns out Eli is blind, and it's a braille copy of the bible.
And that was when I started yelling at the screen. I appreciated that there was a twist, and it was one of the most subtle things in the film (though that is really not saying much) that Eli was so awesome in his blindness. Also always nice to leave the bad guy with what he wants juuuussst out of reach, sure. But kids? A braille copy of the bible is going to run you about 18 volumes. Each of which is about 14 inches square and probably about 200 pages long. Just sayin'.
I know that's a nitpicky thing, but I'm not just picking nits. I firmly believe that if you do something like this for your cool "Ooh, aren't we clever! A TWIST!" moments, that twist better goddamn work. Or else it's just you throwing out something random that has no basis in anything else your audience saw the whole time, and they had no way to figure it out or anything at all, and you're just patting yourself on the back for being clever when in fact you just made no sense. Twists need to work within the context of the movie and make sense. Otherwise they're just random upsets for the sake of having a twist. Seriously irks me, if you hadn't noticed.
There are moments where the film alludes to Eli's blindness, if you're looking - he doesn't shield his eyes the way others do in the sun; he reacts with shock when he touches the hanging body, not when he opens the door half a second sooner; he smells an ambush coming (which a friend did at Nero once, entertainingly); he fires at people who fire at him first. So good on the film for giving us those clues that mean you can go back and watch it again with a more careful eye. However, one of those things is that... that book cannot be a braille bible. It could be the book of genesis, perhaps, but that's probably about it. Do your goddamn homework, writers. It's not that hard.
It doesn't help that this is something I find especially annoying in films: playing visual and hearing handicaps for a sort of basic "Oh yeah, it goes something like this" handwave-y approximation. Sure, I don't expect everyone who writes a visually or hearing impaired character to learn everything ever, but come on. I also expect that that deaf person should not be doing the chicken dance instead of actual signing. The Book of Eli isn't a glaring example of this, but it's close enough to rankle. I am not a fan of "Oooh, magic blind guy!" (see also "Magic black guy, here to dispense advice" and "magic white guy, here to learn ninja skills"), and between him being totally badass AND saving the girl AND being cryptic but wise AND having a bible AND having it memorized AND that whole 'having a bible' thing not actually working? Solidly into magical blind man territory.
Not a fan, much as I like some of the actors involved. 1.5 stars, for a stylish fight scene. 2 for everyone who isn't me, and would be less annoyed by the reveal.