they should just make viva pink pink, viva purple purple, etc.. why not?
sometimes i think about deleting this journal and either not blogging anymore, or starting another blog. because i don't feel like the same person as who the majority of this blog reflects... which is because i really only blogged when i felt sad.
today on the bus home i thought about how a few years ago i used to think about having come to the bitter conclusion (as many people do) that in the end, no one was really there for you, not even your best friends. before, i would think that just showed how friendship therefore just couldn't be that important, that your friends couldn't be that valuable, since when you were really depressed or lonely or whatever, they couldn't completely understand you or help you out.
now, while i still think it's true that sometimes there is no one that can help you get out of your hole except yourself, i really don't think that is a reflection of the relative worthlessness of friendship. sometimes your friends just can't help you out because the situation you're in is one that you've put yourself in by you having failed to take some action, or by you having done something that only you can rectify. and your friends can console you to a certain extent in these cases, and sometimes even give you good suggestions, but either because whatever pity they give you just will never be enough for you in this state, or because you want them to actually solve this problem which is impossible, you will be left with that inch of space your own necessary effort must fill. personally, after i've come to terms with this, i've felt that the worst words i've gotten from friends have been those where they've just agreed with me on how terrible my situation is and have given even more understanding reasons why it's so bad; the best words, where they've told me honestly the good things they do see in my abilities and that it's really my responsibility and my own way i've got to find to get out.
friends just aren't there to help you in these cases, because the kind of help you want isn't the kind that is available.
i've also been reflecting on friendship a lot lately, mostly since second semester, because that was when i really started to appreciate it. i mean, for a long time i've sought meaningful relationships, but i don't think i ever fully valued them in the way i do now. i think a big part of that is just that i often didn't really feel comfortable as myself, and it was hard to be comfortable with others too.
anyway, these days i've just been living life day by day, part of me waiting expectantly for peru. but really, when i think about it, why should it feel weird that i'm in toronto instead of cambridge, or instead of lima? it's kind of hard to explain here, but i just had this thought that really the environment could be anything (if this were a movie, it would be like one of those scenes where the person is frozen in place while their clothes, the room or background behind them, everything just like whips by as it changes rapidly from one thing to another...), it really wouldn't matter at all, because the important thing is this main character, which is my life, my self, i, as i live each day, as i grow each day. just try to picture it - the only thing that matters is this thing which if your life, which is unattached to any specific place, it is just that right now it just happens to be running parallel to this lower line that is toronto, or wherever. weird, right?
today on the bus home i thought about how a few years ago i used to think about having come to the bitter conclusion (as many people do) that in the end, no one was really there for you, not even your best friends. before, i would think that just showed how friendship therefore just couldn't be that important, that your friends couldn't be that valuable, since when you were really depressed or lonely or whatever, they couldn't completely understand you or help you out.
now, while i still think it's true that sometimes there is no one that can help you get out of your hole except yourself, i really don't think that is a reflection of the relative worthlessness of friendship. sometimes your friends just can't help you out because the situation you're in is one that you've put yourself in by you having failed to take some action, or by you having done something that only you can rectify. and your friends can console you to a certain extent in these cases, and sometimes even give you good suggestions, but either because whatever pity they give you just will never be enough for you in this state, or because you want them to actually solve this problem which is impossible, you will be left with that inch of space your own necessary effort must fill. personally, after i've come to terms with this, i've felt that the worst words i've gotten from friends have been those where they've just agreed with me on how terrible my situation is and have given even more understanding reasons why it's so bad; the best words, where they've told me honestly the good things they do see in my abilities and that it's really my responsibility and my own way i've got to find to get out.
friends just aren't there to help you in these cases, because the kind of help you want isn't the kind that is available.
i've also been reflecting on friendship a lot lately, mostly since second semester, because that was when i really started to appreciate it. i mean, for a long time i've sought meaningful relationships, but i don't think i ever fully valued them in the way i do now. i think a big part of that is just that i often didn't really feel comfortable as myself, and it was hard to be comfortable with others too.
anyway, these days i've just been living life day by day, part of me waiting expectantly for peru. but really, when i think about it, why should it feel weird that i'm in toronto instead of cambridge, or instead of lima? it's kind of hard to explain here, but i just had this thought that really the environment could be anything (if this were a movie, it would be like one of those scenes where the person is frozen in place while their clothes, the room or background behind them, everything just like whips by as it changes rapidly from one thing to another...), it really wouldn't matter at all, because the important thing is this main character, which is my life, my self, i, as i live each day, as i grow each day. just try to picture it - the only thing that matters is this thing which if your life, which is unattached to any specific place, it is just that right now it just happens to be running parallel to this lower line that is toronto, or wherever. weird, right?