(no subject)
it's been a rough year.
i did something dumb a little over a year ago. don't need to get into it, but at least it got me to quit drinking for real. i'm 374 days now. so there's that.
last summer was weird. learning to exist sober was weird. it was hard. i lost a lot of friends and nearly my job. regaining my friends was hard. working my summer job at music festivals was hard.
in september, my jeep (that i lived in, i'm still houseless) and everything i owned was stolen. that was hard too. but it turned out i have the most amazing group of pals and they threw in their dollars and got me a new jeep. i started to put my life back together.
i was dating this boy, nick, throughout the summer. i knew better than to do that, but i started catching feelings anyway because i am a cancer. we went "official" and things immediately fell apart. our last show of the season was in vegas. we broke up and i left for my winter job in an empty jeep.
i started to feel weird. i was working, but things got weird. i was in my jeep for bed one night, staring at the full moon. she told me: you're pregnant, you asshole.
i was alone. very very very alone. i turned my phone off. i went to the clinic alone and terminated without drugs. i regretted it immediately. i went back to work and cried for months. winter was hard. i didnt know what to do.
so i started running.
i ran to get the tears out. i ran to distract, i ran to ground, i ran fifty-six miles on (and a new rut into) a half-mile long stretch of dirt road in january. i ran for my zygote, i ran for nick, i ran for god, i ran for ebola. i ran for my life.
i'd been trying to run for years and it finally stuck. then i started racing. my first race i said "i'm not racing, i'm running". then i realized i AM racing i'm not racing the guy next to me, i'm racing who i used to be. i'm not trying to be better than anyone else. i'm just trying to be better than i used to be.
then i decided to race in all the states. i don't want to start a new blog about it, and i don't really care if anyone reads it. so hey there, eljay, you are now my running blog. i'll keep my profile updated with the states, races, and times. i'm at three. california, georgia, and tennessee. colorado next week and washington state shortly after that (probably).
i'd be thirty-nine weeks right now. i think about it every day but i don't cry as much now. this summer has been hard. i didn't get a raise. i got capped at last year's payrate because i'm not a manager. this season is supposed to be the busiest, but i've already had a lot of time off. i get sadder if i think about how i could have settled down, started a home... i'm a cancer. three years of houselessness is getting tiring.
but running... i am physically healthier than i've ever been. i'm stronger than i've ever been. and since the zygote, nothing even matters anymore. i don't get stressed out. i don't get mad. nothing gets to me anymore. i'm just sad and empty. running helps temporarily so i keep doing it. i keep not drinking because i know how sad i am and how much worse it will get if i drink. i am afraid of it getting worse.
anyway. thats the last i'll probably talk about it.
nowadays i just talk about running. running has replaced drinking. it's all i think about, i want to skip work to do it, i skip hanging out with friends to do it alone, it's getting expensive (but ive been putting away the money i'd have spent on vodka for the past 374 days, so that's now my running budget), and it feels good when i do it but then i hurt the next day... ha.
i did something dumb a little over a year ago. don't need to get into it, but at least it got me to quit drinking for real. i'm 374 days now. so there's that.
last summer was weird. learning to exist sober was weird. it was hard. i lost a lot of friends and nearly my job. regaining my friends was hard. working my summer job at music festivals was hard.
in september, my jeep (that i lived in, i'm still houseless) and everything i owned was stolen. that was hard too. but it turned out i have the most amazing group of pals and they threw in their dollars and got me a new jeep. i started to put my life back together.
i was dating this boy, nick, throughout the summer. i knew better than to do that, but i started catching feelings anyway because i am a cancer. we went "official" and things immediately fell apart. our last show of the season was in vegas. we broke up and i left for my winter job in an empty jeep.
i started to feel weird. i was working, but things got weird. i was in my jeep for bed one night, staring at the full moon. she told me: you're pregnant, you asshole.
i was alone. very very very alone. i turned my phone off. i went to the clinic alone and terminated without drugs. i regretted it immediately. i went back to work and cried for months. winter was hard. i didnt know what to do.
so i started running.
i ran to get the tears out. i ran to distract, i ran to ground, i ran fifty-six miles on (and a new rut into) a half-mile long stretch of dirt road in january. i ran for my zygote, i ran for nick, i ran for god, i ran for ebola. i ran for my life.
i'd been trying to run for years and it finally stuck. then i started racing. my first race i said "i'm not racing, i'm running". then i realized i AM racing i'm not racing the guy next to me, i'm racing who i used to be. i'm not trying to be better than anyone else. i'm just trying to be better than i used to be.
then i decided to race in all the states. i don't want to start a new blog about it, and i don't really care if anyone reads it. so hey there, eljay, you are now my running blog. i'll keep my profile updated with the states, races, and times. i'm at three. california, georgia, and tennessee. colorado next week and washington state shortly after that (probably).
i'd be thirty-nine weeks right now. i think about it every day but i don't cry as much now. this summer has been hard. i didn't get a raise. i got capped at last year's payrate because i'm not a manager. this season is supposed to be the busiest, but i've already had a lot of time off. i get sadder if i think about how i could have settled down, started a home... i'm a cancer. three years of houselessness is getting tiring.
but running... i am physically healthier than i've ever been. i'm stronger than i've ever been. and since the zygote, nothing even matters anymore. i don't get stressed out. i don't get mad. nothing gets to me anymore. i'm just sad and empty. running helps temporarily so i keep doing it. i keep not drinking because i know how sad i am and how much worse it will get if i drink. i am afraid of it getting worse.
anyway. thats the last i'll probably talk about it.
nowadays i just talk about running. running has replaced drinking. it's all i think about, i want to skip work to do it, i skip hanging out with friends to do it alone, it's getting expensive (but ive been putting away the money i'd have spent on vodka for the past 374 days, so that's now my running budget), and it feels good when i do it but then i hurt the next day... ha.