I hate updating on this stupid thing but...
The bad part of being at DSOA is that one story is turned into 20 different epic tales.
This weeks selection is "Angelina: Stripped."
Just to clear things up.....
I'm SORRY to everyone at Kristina's party. I'm sorry to you, Kristina, for ruining your party. If I could take it back, I would. I regret everything that I did and wish I didn't do it. But I can't regret the past, what is done was done. What everyone did at the party was justified and normal. Lets attack Angelina because shes being a super bitch.
When it comes down to it, no one understands Paul's and I's relationship. No matter how hard anyone can try, or I try, no one can fully grasp it and no one can explain to anyone else (especially on the way to walmart) my life and relationship with another human being. SHIT, I don't even get it. So I hate it when everyone trys to explain what I'm feeling, or why I made a scene or tell Paul what he should do and guide him to recovery. Everyone has to put in their two cents. This is exactly what happened with Paul's and Lauryn's relationship..and god help me..I have never been in Lauryn's shoes like I am now and I wish that I could have pulled her from the process because I have just gained the most deepest respect for her.
The events that took place at the party were completely unacceptable, but at that time and moment, It was more important to protect myself, explain myself and fix what I had started with Paul. My friendship with him was more important at the time then going back to getting drunk and partying. I look back and realize that everyone else's priorites don't include me. But Honestly, if you want to speak for my emotions, my reactions and my words, please come ask me first and I'll give you the rights.
I guess I should explain why I was so upset in the first place. And if I could honestly put it into words onto lj, I would be a genius. All I know is that I've never felt this way before in my life. I've never felt this deep of a sense of loss, hurt, anger...everyone. I've never felt so alone in my life. And yes part of it is dealing with the Trojan Women Rejections. And even though I understand why I'm not in the show and I'm fine with it, It doesn't make the process of rejection any easier.
I've talked to every single teacher and I've gained advice from every different direction and I've realized a few things..or well come to terms.
I know that I will need to learn how to deal with things like rejection on my own and support myself. without Paul, without Roni, without anyone.
I know that after this year, NOTHING MATTERS. No one is going to care what show I was in, what tech position I had or anything like that. No one is going to know me, or the drama.
I know that..I have to start looking at the bigger picture. This year is probably going to be the worst in terms of friendships. I know I'm going to learn a lot about myself and grow from this.
I know that Paul is going to need to stand on his own two feet. Which he does, but we aren't going to be the best of friends all the time, and thats okay.
I know that everyone is going to have their views and judgements about me. And even if I sound and look like a controlling bitch, I'm not going to care, because no one will have taken the time to ask and hear me out. And I know that this year isn't about pleasing people. It isn't about making everyone love me. Its about finding myself and protecting myself and making sure I do what I need to do. I'm the one who has to live MY future.
With those things said, I'm going to try to pick of the pieces of what seems like it now, my ruined life. I'm going to suck it up, cry occasionally, and move on. Because believe it or..I just realized this..lol..life does go on without you.
I really hope I can look back on this in a month, a year..and laugh and myself and say
" You were such a stupid little theater major"
This weeks selection is "Angelina: Stripped."
Just to clear things up.....
I'm SORRY to everyone at Kristina's party. I'm sorry to you, Kristina, for ruining your party. If I could take it back, I would. I regret everything that I did and wish I didn't do it. But I can't regret the past, what is done was done. What everyone did at the party was justified and normal. Lets attack Angelina because shes being a super bitch.
When it comes down to it, no one understands Paul's and I's relationship. No matter how hard anyone can try, or I try, no one can fully grasp it and no one can explain to anyone else (especially on the way to walmart) my life and relationship with another human being. SHIT, I don't even get it. So I hate it when everyone trys to explain what I'm feeling, or why I made a scene or tell Paul what he should do and guide him to recovery. Everyone has to put in their two cents. This is exactly what happened with Paul's and Lauryn's relationship..and god help me..I have never been in Lauryn's shoes like I am now and I wish that I could have pulled her from the process because I have just gained the most deepest respect for her.
The events that took place at the party were completely unacceptable, but at that time and moment, It was more important to protect myself, explain myself and fix what I had started with Paul. My friendship with him was more important at the time then going back to getting drunk and partying. I look back and realize that everyone else's priorites don't include me. But Honestly, if you want to speak for my emotions, my reactions and my words, please come ask me first and I'll give you the rights.
I guess I should explain why I was so upset in the first place. And if I could honestly put it into words onto lj, I would be a genius. All I know is that I've never felt this way before in my life. I've never felt this deep of a sense of loss, hurt, anger...everyone. I've never felt so alone in my life. And yes part of it is dealing with the Trojan Women Rejections. And even though I understand why I'm not in the show and I'm fine with it, It doesn't make the process of rejection any easier.
I've talked to every single teacher and I've gained advice from every different direction and I've realized a few things..or well come to terms.
I know that I will need to learn how to deal with things like rejection on my own and support myself. without Paul, without Roni, without anyone.
I know that after this year, NOTHING MATTERS. No one is going to care what show I was in, what tech position I had or anything like that. No one is going to know me, or the drama.
I know that..I have to start looking at the bigger picture. This year is probably going to be the worst in terms of friendships. I know I'm going to learn a lot about myself and grow from this.
I know that Paul is going to need to stand on his own two feet. Which he does, but we aren't going to be the best of friends all the time, and thats okay.
I know that everyone is going to have their views and judgements about me. And even if I sound and look like a controlling bitch, I'm not going to care, because no one will have taken the time to ask and hear me out. And I know that this year isn't about pleasing people. It isn't about making everyone love me. Its about finding myself and protecting myself and making sure I do what I need to do. I'm the one who has to live MY future.
With those things said, I'm going to try to pick of the pieces of what seems like it now, my ruined life. I'm going to suck it up, cry occasionally, and move on. Because believe it or..I just realized this..lol..life does go on without you.
I really hope I can look back on this in a month, a year..and laugh and myself and say
" You were such a stupid little theater major"