Do You Love Me Like You Used To? [2/2]
In many ways, Baekhyun wishes it had been a spectacular ending: broken plates, shattered phone screens, throats screamed raw. At least then, there would have been some feelings of validation, of anger and resentment.
Instead, he saw Chanyeol’s slumped shoulders across the table. He felt the way Chanyeol’s grip had tightened on his hand one last time before withdrawing back across the wood surface.
He rememberes nodding in agreement and watching Chanyeol walk out of his life in the chilly October breeze.
There was nothing spectacular about the silent shattering of his heart.
Chanyeol had been his first and only promise of ‘forever,’ and perhaps he should have been more wary when the taller stopped saying it back.
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Continental breakfast is a beautiful thing, Baekhyun thinks. It’s one of the only things he’s willing to wake up before 10am on his vacation for. Since it’s the last full day, he definitely won’t miss out on it like he has the previous mornings.
He pads down to the lobby with his bed-head in full force and his pajama pants hanging low on his hip.
Continental breakfast doesn’t judge him.
He picks up his plate and is beginning to scour the selection when someone coughs beside him. He looks over to see Chanyeol, already dressed, looking handsome as ever. Chanyeol’s words from the day previous are still running through his mind and he regrets not taking a few moments to comb through his hair because he knows he looks a little ridiculous.
“Good morning,” Chanyeol says. He looks Baekhyun up and down, “I take it you just woke up?”
“I’ve missed the free breakfast every other morning so far. I was kind of in a rush…” Baekhyun explains, trying not to sound as embarrassed as he is by his frumpy appearance.
“So it’s your last night here,” Chanyeol comments. “This week has gone by so quickly.”
“Unfortunately. Back to the real world tomorrow…” Baekhyun resigns as he eyes the glazed donut selection, moving to grab the tongs.
“Wanna go somewhere with me tonight?” Chanyeol asks suddenly. His hands are stuffed in his pockets and he looks more nervous than he did the first time they met back in college. He’s also looking at Baekhyun with the same expression he had that night and Baekhyun’s stomach twists with nostalgia.
“What?” Baekhyun nearly drops the tongs. This is not suitable conversation before he’s had his cup of morning coffee.
“It’s your last night in Busan, and there’s something I want to show you,” Chanyeol clarifies, shuffling his feet.
“Why me?” Baekhyun scrunches his brow.
“Maybe you’re special,” Chanyeol shrugs, like he didn’t just send Baekhyun’s heart into overdrive with those three words. “And, you owe me for my shoes, don’t think I’ve forgotten.”
“What time?” Baekhyun concedes.
“Let’s meet at seven in the lobby. It’s about an hour ride from here.”
Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows when Baekhyun tells him about his plans for the evening back in the room.
“Are you sure?” He asks Baekhyun cautiously.
“Sure,” Baekhyun says as confidently as possible, “It’s our last night, and I may never see him again. I want us to part on good terms.”
“You could part on good terms by getting drunk with the rest of us tonight on Haeundae beach…” Kyungsoo suggests.
“I think we already know that that wouldn’t end well,” Baekhyun corrects.
“Fair point,” Kyungsoo concedes. “Have fun then.”
They spend their final day on Haeundae beach and it’s adjacent cafes. It’s been a great vacation, but they’re all a little anxious to get back to their own beds and the familiarity of Seoul. Minseok says nothing when Baekhyun tells him about his plans for the evening, but Baekhyun doesn’t miss the look Minseok and Kyungsoo exchange a few seconds later.
Baekhyun nervously readies himself for the evening. He’s not sure what Chanyeol has planned, and he knows he shouldn’t put so much effort into getting ready, but he can’t help himself. If this is the last time he sees Chanyeol, he wants Chanyeol to remember him looking nice. He wants to have memories of a happy goodbye with Chanyeol.
They meet in the lobby at seven thirty. Chanyeol is also dressed a little nicer for the evening, and Baekhyun feels relief wash over him to know that he’s not the only one who wanted to look nice.
“So where are we going?” Baekhyun asks when they’re already seated in Chanyeol’s car.
“Have you heard of Dadaepo Fountain?” Chanyeol questions.
“I don’t think so…” Baekhyun cocks his head to the side trying to place the name.
“Ah, well, it’s this fountain by Dadaepo beach -- it’s one of the largest fountains in the world actually -- and every night there’s a special light show with music and water works. It’s supposed to be pretty amazing.”
“Oh, I think I have heard of that actually,” Baekhyun says. He pushes aside thoughts of how romantic the whole thing sounds and instead focuses on how beautiful he’s sure the show will be.
“I think you’ll like it a lot,” Chanyeol smiles over at him. “Certainly more than another night of drinking and a hangover during your train ride home tomorrow.”
Baekhyun giggles, Chanyeol has a point there.
Upon arrival, Baekhyun realizes there are two groups of people at Dadaepo Fountain: families with small children and couples. He isn’t a huge fan of either.
Baekhyun suggests they take seats on the peripheral bench to get away from the crowd, but as showtime approaches, they find themselves sandwiched between a family with a very active three year old and what he presumes to be a highschool couple.
The show begins with a rendition of “Just the Two of Us.” The song itself is incredibly cringe-worthy, but the lights and burst of water really are spectacular. Baekhyun watches in awe as large spurts of water erupt in perfect time with the music, colors changing and blending into a beautiful mix of rich yellows, purples and blues.
Spectators continue to arrive after the light show begins, cramping Chanyeol and Baekhyun even closer together. While shifting to accommodate more people on the raised benches, Chanyeol unthinkingly wraps a protective arm around Baekhyun’s shoulders.
Baekhyun immediately stiffens in Chanyeol’s hold. For a moment, he’s taken back to college, when Chanyeol used to wrap his arm around Baekhyun only to draw him in impossibly close and sing song lyrics directly into his ear. Baekhyun would playfully squirm in Chanyeol’s hold while the latter only tightened his grip and held him in place. Chanyeol never had a single musical bone in his body -- if his off key singing was any indication -- and his breath tickled Baekhyun’s sensitive neck to the point of insanity, but something about the action always endeared Baekhyun to Chanyeol.
But in the present, Chanyeol is merely making room for those around them. Baekhyun observes other couples playfully mouthing along to the lyrics of the cheesy love song playing over the speakers. He isn’t surprised when he turns his head to be greeted with the sight of Chanyeol smiling and mouthing along as well, the colorful lights flashing on his face.
With his head turned to face the taller, Baekhyun realizes they are entirely too close for friends to be. However, Chanyeol pays no mind, and when he feels Baekhyun’s eyes on him, he looks down briefly to smile and him before gesturing towards the fountain show and encouraging Baekhyun to pay attention.
Chanyeol’s arm remains firmly wrapped around Baekhyun’s shoulder, his fingers occasionally tapping to the beat along Bakehyun’s bicep. Baekhyun spends the remainder of the show observing anything that isn’t Chanyeol, trying to force himself not to think about the look in Chanyeol’s eyes the afternoon before, or how Chanyeol’s arm around him still feels right.
When the show finally concludes after five songs, Baekhyun breathes a sigh of relief. Not only because the bench quickly clears out -- allowing some distance between himself and Chanyeol -- but because the overhead speaker announces that the public is now allowed to play in the fountains and not just watch them.
Sure, it’s a bit on the chilly side, and he’ll probably regret being slightly damp for the remainder of the evening, but he’s probably only going to have this chance once.
Baekhyun flies up from his seat, relinquishing himself from Chanyeol’s hold, before he emits a series of jovial giggles and takes off into the fountain where small children have already begun to play. Forgetting he’s a full grown adult, he gleefully skips around the fountain area, turning back to wave at Chanyeol occasionally. (He’s probably doing something very close to frolicking and he’s thankful that Kyungsoo is nowhere in the vicinity to tease him about it.)
It’s somewhere in the spectacle of watching small children get taken out by gusts of water (while he himself artfully avoids them), that Baekhyun realizes Chanyeol is no longer seated on the bench where he left him.
He briefly wonders where the man has gone until he catches a familiar silhouette on the periphery of the fountain. Squinting, he can see Chanyeol smiling fondly at the children jumping through the bursts of water. As the fountain lights up in a rainbow of colors, Chanyeol also becomes illuminated - which somehow makes his amused smile look even brighter.
Without realizing it, Baekhyun smiles too, completely captivated in observing the way the colors play off of Chanyeol’s now wind-swept hair and loosely hanging windbreaker. His smile only falters slightly when Chanyeol catches him staring and directs his own smile at Baekhyun.
Chanyeol, like this, looks so handsome and carefree; a far cry from the burnt-out student of his past and the stern businessman he’s been re-introduced to this past week. Baekhyun is too captivated to look away.
So, Baekhyun maintains his gaze. Chanyeol raises his eyebrows in a silent question, almost as if he’s asking why are you looking at me like that? Baekhyun doesn’t have an answer, at least not one he could explain easily, so he merely shrugs his shoulders, one corner of his mouth curling upwards.
His entire body tingles. Even he can’t verbalize it, he knows exactly why, but he still refuses to fully acknowledge the shift in atmosphere between them. The way Chanyeol looks at him in this moment takes him back to being in college and stealing glances at one another across cafe tables as they pretended to study diligently (when in reality they were engaged in an aggressive battle of footsie beneath the table).
Without thinking, it seems, Chanyeol begins to make his way towards Baekhyun - never once taking his eyes off him. Baekhyun wonders if Chanyeol sees the same familiarity in his smile at that moment that he sees in Chanyeol’s eyes. For a moment, it’s just them, and neither is aware of their surroundings -- the dozens of families, children and water jets fading into the background as they stare at one another.
Chanyeol walks slowly, maintaining Baekhyun’s gaze all the while. However, the moment is interrupted when a fountain jet erupts directly in front of him, almost drenching him and sending him jolting back in shock.
Baekhyun folds over in laughter, shaking his head. Chanyeol’s shocked expression is priceless, and it’s not long before he’s laughing at himself too.
Baekhyun, while laughing, feels relief that the stare-down has come to an end. Though he can’t fight the odd sensation of disappointment as Chanyeol slowly gathers himself and winds his way around the fountain, watching his own feet instead of Baekhyun.
“Wanna grab a drink?” Chanyeol asks when he’s finally made his way around to Baekhyun.
Baekhyun, still caught up in the surge of nostalgia he had felt moments before, can only nod his head in agreement.
Accepting Baekhyun’s response, Chanyeol surprises him by grabbing his hand and leading him away from the fountain and back towards the beach.
They settle at one of the yellow-lit food stalls a few hundred meters from the tide. Baekhyun runs up to purchase two cans of beer while Chanyeol selects a plastic table and gathers two stools.
Once he completes his purchase, Baekhyun seats himself beside Chanyeol, who accepts his beer with a quiet thanks and wastes no time in opening it.
Something between them had changed back at the fountain, and Baekhyun isn’t sure he’s ready to bring it up. There had been something in the way they looked at each other, like they both were remembering the past and enjoying the present simultaneously. It was the same look they’ve been sharing throughout the week -- like they both are thankful to be around each other again, to see each other smile -- but with a touch of something new.
Seeing the tents alongside the beach, Chanyeol soon goes off on a story about a time his family attempted beach camping when he was younger.
But Baekhyun is preoccupied with all the familiar feelings stirring in his gut; in the way Chanyeol’s lips move. The tight space of the small table only aids him as he unconsciously starts to lean in.
He realizes he’s going to kiss Chanyeol only after he notices that Chanyeol is no longer speaking. He looks up from the man’s lips just in time to take in Chanyeol’s wide eyes, clouded over with caution as he also realizes Baekhyun’s intentions.
Instead of pushing Baekhyun away, or awkwardly changing the subject, Chanyeol reaches out to brush Baekhyun’s bangs off his forehead.
“Do you want to get out of here?” Baekhyun thinks he hears Chanyeol whisper. All he knows is that he nods along, and before another second can pass, Chanyeol takes his hand and leads him back up the beach.
In some way, Baekhyun knew this would happen from the moment he agreed to go to out with Chanyeol, he just doesn’t want to admit it to himself.
There’s an unspoken agreement when Chanyeol asks Baekhyun if he’d like to come up to his hotel room. Though they avoid each other’s eyes the entire elevator ride up, Baekhyun can’t ignore the growing tension between them - a tension that doesn’t seem to dissipate once they cross the threshold of the hotel room door.
It could be meaningless if Baekhyun would just push Chanyeol up against the door, not even bothering to turn on the light, much less make it the bed; If he skips all pretenses and focuses only on the lust and none of the feelings that came with being around Chanyeol again.
Somehow, Baekhyun can’t bring himself to do that. Instead, Baekhyun toes off his shoes before silently making his way towards the window to appreciate the view. Chanyeol watches him from the doorway.
“Great view you have here, Yeol,” He says after a moment’s consideration, not noticing the use of the old nickname.
Chanyeol hums in agreement. “Remember that night you got a little too excited after Sehun’s show and drunkenly tried to buy a beer for everyone in the bar?" He asks out of nowhere.
“I remember that,” Baekhyun laughs at the memory, still looking out the window, “they all probably needed it after listening to his attempt at spoken word for half an hour."
He had been completely wasted that night. What they both omit discussing is that Baekhyun - after having his drunken generosity cruelly rejected by the bartender - had also pulled a relatively sober Chanyeol into a bathroom stall and drunkenly given Chanyeol something much more enjoyable than a free beer that evening.
“How long did his dabble into spoken word last again?” Chanyeol questions mockingly. Baekhyun turns his body away from the window to lean against the glass and look at Chanyeol. Chanyeol is smiling at him fondly, affectionately, and Baekhyun’s heart feels like it’s about to drop into his stomach when he realizes that Chanyeol never stopped looking at him that way in the first place.
“Hmm.. about two weeks. Exactly the time it took him to get Jinri back, I think.” Baekhyun giggles again, remembering the two weeks of torture disguised as ‘artistic expression’ they endured in the name of being ‘supportive friends.’
Baekhyun is so preoccupied with his trip down memory lane that he misses Chanyeol hesitantly approaching him. His expression shifts from moments before; Chanyeol’s brows now furrowed in concentration, apprehension marring the tight line of his lips. He moves ever so slowly, giving Baekhyun every opportunity to stop him, to tell him it’s time to say goodnight, to turn on a damn light and kill the mood. But Baekhyun makes no such move and instead waits in place until Chanyeol is within arms reach.
“You were always too generous, Baek.” Chanyeol whispers before tracing his fingers along Baekhyun’s forearm. Baekhyun knows Chanyeol isn’t talking about being a good friend to Sehun nor all the drunken free shots he’d promised half of Hongdae.
“Everyone’s entitled to one fatal flaw,” Baekhyun shrugs after a moment, eyes now zeroed in on Chanyeol’s lips.
“Only one?” Chanyeol asks with a raised brow as he leans in towards Baekhyun.
Baekhyun’s eyes flutter shut in anticipation, “What’s yours then?" Baekhyun whispers as their noses brush.
“I get so focused on what I think I want, that I walk away from the things I need.” Chanyeol breathes against Baekhyun’s lips.
Chanyeol doesn’t give Baekhyun a chance to respond before he closes the remaining distance between them.
Their lips brush slightly and Chanyeol exhales in relief before molding his lips against Baekhyun with a firm confidence.
Baekhyun’s hands grip Chanyeol’s forearms, pulling him even closer as he returns the kiss with vigor. There’s something so right about kissing Chanyeol. Something so natural about the way their lips play together; languid and slow, despite the time apart and the rising tension of the past few days.
Baekhyun breaks away from Chanyeol only to back himself up towards the bed, slowly unbuttoning his shirt while holding Chanyeol’s gaze.
Chanyeol remains rooted on the spot, taking in Baekhyun with hungry eyes as Baekhyun undresses himself and lays down on the bed, wordlessly inviting Chanyeol to join him.
Chanyeol takes his time appreciating Baekhyun’s offering before he begins to undress himself as well, approaching Baekhyun with a focus that Baekhyun hasn’t seen before. Like if he blinks, Baekhyun will disappear from atop the neatly made bed.
“Some things never change,” Baekhyun whispers to himself once Chanyeol removes his pants to reveal a pair of Captain America boxers. Chanyeol’s brows furrow in confusion, but Baekhyun only laughs before beckoning Chanyeol closer.
They weren’t each other’s firsts, but Baekhyun was the first person to have Chanyeol. The first person nestled between his thighs, comfortingly stroking his finger’s through the taller’s hair as he whimpered at the foreign sensation of each of Baekhyun’s ministrations. He’d been the first to see that vulnerable side of the man who is now hovered over him, laying kisses anywhere his mouth can reach as his hands wander between their bodies, appreciating every curve of Baekhyun’s skin.
The haze of the single beer he had back at the beach has completely faded and Baekhyun is caught up in an entirely different daze. This one made up of the familiar touches Chanyeol manages to lay all over his body. Chanyeol was always gentle, all consuming, and he leaves no surface of Bakehyun’s body untouched.
Baekhyun traces his fingers along Chanyeol’s jaw before tucking them under his chin to gently force their eyes to meet.
“You’re beautiful,” Baekhyun utters, the words slipping out before he can stop himself. Chanyeol’s eyes glisten with a familiar fondness before he leans down to join their lips again.
Chanyeol’s skin tastes like the salty air of Busan, his lips feel like home, and for the remainder of the evening Baekhyun allows himself to be lost in everything that is Chanyeol. He allows himself to feel loved by the man once again, if only for the night.
In the aftermath, Baekhyun finds himself half asleep, nestled in familiar arms, with slightly calloused fingers dancing along his ribcage. Just before he surrenders himself to sleep completely, he feels a hot breath on his neck.
“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol whispers, perhaps assuming Baekhyun is already asleep.
He doesn’t have the energy to respond before he drifts off completely.
The words, however, plague his dreams - a broken record of Chanyeol saying those same words three years ago.
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“I got the internship with that hotel chain,” Chanyeol had said entirely too flatly for the excitement the statement should have produced.
“That’s great!” Baekhyun replied, reaching across the table to take Chanyeol’s hand in his own and give it an affectionate squeeze. “I knew you could do it.”
Chanyeol looked down at the table, still not smiling. It was then that Baekhyun knew something was horribly wrong.
“They want me to go train in Daejeon for three months,” Chanyeol said quietly.
“Daejeon is only an hour by train,” Baekhyun re-assured, thinking that Chanyeol was sulking because of the separation his training would entail.
“Yeah, it is.” Chanyeol agreed before drawing a heavy breath and looking up. “Listen, Baek. I think… I think that we should have some time apart.”
“What?” Baekhyun couldn’t have heard Chanyeol correctly.
“I’m going to be so busy with training, and it will only get worse if I actually get hired by the company. I just… don’t think I have time for a relationship anymore.”
“You... you want to break up?” Baekhyun questioned, his voice cracking at the same time his heart shattered.
“I think it’s for the best,” Chanyeol nodded, looking away from Baekhyun whose eyes were already starting to line with tears. “I… I love you, but I don’t think I can give you what you need right now. You didn’t do anything wrong and please, please don’t blame yourself, but I just need some time to focus on myself.” Chanyeol removed his hand from Baekhyun’s grasp.
Baekhyun bit down on his bottom lip, eyes trained on his now empty hand. “You asshole,” he whispered.
“I’m sorry,” Chanyeol said, reaching across the table in an attempt to comfort Baekhyun, but Baekhyun flinched away from the touch.
“Just go.”
And Chanyeol did.
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Baekhyun wakes up with his legs tangled between another pair, and the weight of a sloppy head of brown hair resting on his chest.
But that isn’t the only weight on his chest. He tries to sort out his mixed up feelings while staring at the non-descript ceiling above him; fighting the urge to run his fingers through Chanyeol’s messy hair and run his foot along the inside of Chanyeol’s calf the way he knows will make the man chuckle in his sleep.
“G’morning.”
After a moment, he feels the head on his chest move and looks down to meet Chanyeol’s sleep-heavy eyes, accompanied by a small smile as the hand on his side slowly starts rubbing comforting patterns on his hip bone.
For a moment, Baekhyun is caught up in the comfort and familiarity of it all - but only for a moment.
As soon as his lips begin to curl - mirroring Chanyeol’s smile - he catches himself and untangles their limbs, quickly removing himself from the bed.
“This was a mistake,” He says with sudden conviction.
“What?” Chanyeol sits up quickly, much more awake than two seconds previous. Hurt evident in his eyes. Instead of answering, Baekhyun rushes off to the bathroom.
Falling in love with Chanyeol - if history is any indication - only means one thing: Baekhyun will get hurt. He knows from the first time that it’s nothing he can’t endure, but why risk his heart twice?
Baekhyun is halfway through washing his face hurriedly when he hears Chanyeol’s voice from the doorway.
“Last night wasn’t a mistake, Baekhyun and you know it,” Chanyeol says firmly. They make eye contact in the mirror.
“Who says?" Baekhyun asks, defiantly.
“I do! For Christ’s sake, don’t lie to me and tell me you didn’t feel something last night."
“You’re right.” Baekhyun turns to face Chanyeol head on.
Chanyeol is obviously surprised at Baekhyun’s quick agreement, but before he can interrupt, Baekhyun continues.
“I felt everything Chanyeol. I felt all the memories of you and me and how you used to look at me, touch me - how I used to think there was nothing that could keep me away from you, nothing I would ever want more. But you know what I also remember? How much it fucking hurt when you ended it. When I didn’t fit in your plan anymore, you left!"
“But what about this past week? Has it changed nothing? All of that was in the past." Chanyeol pleads.
“It was, but it’s now too. I thought everything was okay at first, that the past really could be put behind us and we could be friends because we’re two different people now. But, it’s still a part of me, you’re still a fucking part of me after everything! Three years and you can walk back into my life and sweep me off my feet all over again. How long before you get scared and run away this time? Hmm?"
“Baekhyun…" Chanyeol tries, moving towards him.
“No! You don’t get to decide when loving me is convenient for you, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun says firmly, stepping away.
That seems to shut Chanyeol up. Instead of denying the statement, he turns and exits the bathroom. Baekhyun hears the sounds of Chanyeol fumbling around the hotel room for a few moments followed by the sound of the door quietly shutting.
And for the second time in his life, Baekhyun lets Chanyeol walk away.
They depart later that afternoon. Baekhyun knows that Minseok and Kyungsoo are fully aware of what transpired the night before (well, the basics of it), and he’s thankful that neither ask questions or look at him with pity. Instead, Minseok comfortingly pats his back as they gather their bags and file into a taxi.
The train ride home is silent, save the screaming thoughts in Baekhyun’s mind. A part of him regrets being so harsh with Chanyeol, another part can’t forget how right the evening before had felt. More than anything though, he realizes he acted out in fear and he can’t seem to wipe Chanyeol’s hurt expression from his mind no matter how many times he tries to justify his actions.
It’s back to the real world, and this time Baekhyun is the one to leave Chanyeol behind.
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The weeks that had followed their break-up had been hard on Baekhyun to say the least. He still attended his classes, of course, but he felt more like a zombie than a full human. Graduation was supposed to be exciting, yet Baekhyun couldn’t bring himself to be excited about the future when his mind was caught up in the past.
Chanyeol had told him he’d done nothing wrong, but Baekhyun couldn’t help replaying the memories of their relationship, looking for the cracks he may have missed the first time around.
It took a while, but eventually the real world provided Baekhyun enough distraction. He was still reminded of Chanyeol frequently through inconsequential things like Superman logos and extra sweet hot chocolate. He also thought of other things though, like his tasks at work, his plans with his friends and the television series he was slowly becoming addicted to.
Chanyeol never fully left his mind, and the pain of it all still returned when he was left alone with his thoughts in his empty bed at night. But in time, Baekhyun healed.
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Baekhyun knows he should have seen an intervention coming when Kyungsoo invites him out for drinks on a Thursday night. It’s been a month and a half since their trip to Busan, and Baekhyun knows he hasn’t been completely himself since.
“You’re not over it,” Kyungsoo says abruptly halfway through their second round. Baekhyun doesn’t need to ask to know exactly what Kyungsoo is talking about, but his friend continues anyway. “You’re not over Chanyeol. I’m not even sure you were before we ran into him in Busan.”
“Obviously I am, I’ve dated plenty of people since we broke up. Happily, mind you." Baekhyun defends himself.
“The two things aren’t mutually exclusive, you know. You can date and still have feelings for someone from your past. You could be over someone and fall in love all over again. I mean, there’s a reason none of those relationships lasted after Chanyeol." Kyungsoo muses, trying to be gentle with his words (which has never been his strength).
“My relationship with Chanyeol didn’t last either,” Baekhyun points out, raising his glass before taking a generous gulp.
“But that was for completely different reasons, and you know it. All I’m saying is, maybe he did break your heart years ago. And maybe you did get over it. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fall for the guy again, or that he can’t do the same. You let him walk away once, and you thought about it for years…"
Baekhyun motions to interrupt, but Kyungsoo is quicker.
“I get that you’re afraid of being hurt again and so on, but, sometimes it’s worth a chance, if he’s who will make you happy. I mean, look at me and Jongin. He was a little fuckboy who couldn’t keep his shit together four years ago. Now, he’s home before I am everyday and he’s the one who remembers to pay the damn internet bill every month. If I hadn’t have given him that second chance, not only would I probably never have internet access, but I know I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.”
When Baekhyun thinks about it, there’s some truth to what Kyungsoo is saying. Sure, he has dated - seriously so - since Chanyeol. There’s Luhan the dance instructor, who was handsome, charming and openly affectionate. There’s Kris, who was a bit serious for Baekhyun’s tastes, but nonetheless was good company and a good sport with all of Baekhyun’s less-than-mature interests at the time. Hell, the guy even took him to Everland despite his crippling fear of roller coasters.
Then, there’s also the collection of other, more short term, relationships that Baekhyun’s had in between as well.
Yes, he has a good collection of exes and happy relationships. But Chanyeol has always been the one who stood out.
Perhaps Baekhyun never got over Chanyeol because he feels he had no say in their relationship’s ending. Chanyeol simply decided one day, and that was that. Something so abrupt still feels like unfinished business. While sleeping with Chanyeol wasn’t meant to cause hurt on either end, Baekhyun knows that a small part of him behaved in such a way the following morning in search of vindication.
But even after seeing Chanyeol - and being the one to end whatever fling they had this time around - something still feels unfinished.
But maybe he and Chanyeol will never really feel finished and he just needs to move on. (Maybe he’s already thrown away the only chance at a second chance he would get because of his own cowardice.)
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For his birthday, Jongdae plans a roaring night out that he promises no one will remember for years to come. Baekhyun’s wary of the hangover he knows is eminent, but he’s a little excited at the prospect of letting loose after a couple months in a daze of work and buried feelings.
He takes extra care in preparing himself for the evening, choosing his favorite bar outfit and even lining his eyes with a hint of kohl. He knows he will be a hot mess by the end of the night anyway, but he wants to look nice in a few photos before everything goes to shit.
As he exits his building, a familiar voice startles him.
“You know, I still circle your birthday in my day planner every year.”
Baekhyun turns to his left and is greeted by the sight of Chanyeol, shuffling nervously on the sidewalk. Perhaps the evening is going to turn into a shit show before he’s taken a single shot. Suddenly his heart feels like it’s going to explode from his chest.
“How did you know where I live? That’s kind of creepy.” Baekhyun voices, still caught off guard by the ambush.
“I didn’t stalk you or anything,” Chanyeol laughs nervously, shifting his weight. “Kyungsoo added me on facebook while we were still in Busan. He was actually a little more than happy to help me when I asked him how to get in touch with you.”
“That asshole,” Baekhyun mumbles under his breath.
“I think we should talk,” Chanyeol says a bit more seriously. Though the timing is off, Baekhyun doesn’t disagree. So instead he motions for Chanyeol to continue.
“Look, Baekhyun. I’m not going to say I regret everything. I think time apart did us both good. But, the thing is, the entire time, I still missed you. I still wanted you. Even with time to focus on me, I wondered how you were doing - if you’d moved on. If you were happy. I didn’t seek you out, because, you’re right, I ended things too callously. That I do regret.” Chanyeol speaks quickly, as if he needs to get it all out before Baekhyun walks away. Like he needs Baekhyun to know this.
“I had my reasons, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t - That I don’t - care about you. Because that was never the case. And I’m sorry that you had to go three years thinking it was. I’m still just as enamored with you as I was back then."
“Your reasons?” Baekhyun interrupts.
Chanyeol looks at him desperately, drawing a deep breath before explaining.
“Senior year, we were both so stressed. We’d spent two years planning this future together with starry eyes and suddenly it looked like none of that was going to happen. You had so much faith in me, and I was scared of disappointing you, myself, my family. My intention was never to break your heart, but I thought that that might have been a better alternative than realizing everything we’d imagined wasn’t actually possible.” Chanyeol finally says, and he looks more and more pained as he continues.
Baekhyun recalls all the faith he did have in Chanyeol back then. He wants to kick Chanyeol for thinking that he would disappoint him -- for thinking that was a legitimate reason to end everything. At the same time though, Baekhyun also sees for the first time how much that decision had and still does pain Chanyeol. It hurts him too.
“But that week together in Busan. Nothing felt wrong…. I don’t want to pick up right where we left off, but I want to date you. And not as the Park Chanyeol you knew three years ago, but as who I am now. And I want the same from you." Chanyeol looks so determined as he finishes his confession.
Baekhyun is a little shocked by the sudden proposition. His head’s still spinning from Chanyeol’s heartfelt explanation and immediately his defenses go up.
“This all happened too quickly, Chanyeol. Up until two months ago, you were part of my past. And now you’re everywhere. You are already too much a part of my life at this point. Past or present.” Baekhyun steps closer to Chanyeol, his body betraying his words.
“I know you’re scared, and you’d be completely justified in rejecting me and telling me to fuck off. I’d deserve it, and I’ll never bother you again if you do. But I saw something in your eyes that night that told me you wanted this, that you still might want this. Us. Am I wrong for hoping?” Chanyeol asks.
“It’s not going to be easy for me to just start over with you,” Baekhyun says, meeting Chanyeol’s eyes. Chanyeol’s right, he’s terrified -- but he isn’t sure if he’s more terrified of getting hurt, or of never seeing Chanyeol again.
“We can start slowly?” Chanyeol offers, looking down at Baekhyun with the faintest glimmer of hope in his eyes. He too catches that Baekhyun isn’t explicitly saying no.
Part of Baekhyun wants to run in the opposite direction, but another part knows that Chanyeol has never, and will never be something he can run away from. In many ways, hadn’t he already made up his mind after his little heart to heart with Kyungsoo?
He can’t guarantee his heart won’t be broken again, but he knows for sure he will regret letting Chanyeol walk away again.
“When have we ever taken things slowly, Chanyeol?” Baekhyun finally asks with more resolve.
“Well, it did take me three months to ask you out….” Chanyeol muses, and Baekhyun can see the hopeful curve of his lips.
“After I jerked you off in a bathroom stall….” Baekhyun quirks an eyebrow.
Chanyeol blushes, still standing there nervously, waiting for Baekhyun to confirm what he hopes he is hinting at.
“Are you busy tonight?” Baekhyun asks after another beat of silence. Chanyeol has laid everything on the line, and it’s about time Baekhyun puts the guy out of his misery. (It’s about time Baekhyun lets himself take the leap.)
“No,” Chanyeol looks up expectantly, “but I thought you wanted slow?” He asks with a hint of confusion.
“Well,” Baekhyun drags out playfully, “I am already committed to a little birthday get together with some friends…” Chanyeol nods a little dejectedly, “... but I’m short a date."
Chanyeol looks up quickly, his wide eyes matching the new wide smile on his lips.
“Oh? A handsome guy like you, without a date? Impossible.” Chanyeol plays along.
“I can’t understand it either,” Baekhyun tries to say with vibrato and a smirk, but betrays himself by giggling halfway through. “So what do you say?” Baekhyun holds out his hand -- and perhaps his heart -- in offering for Chanyeol to take.
“I say, it’d be a pleasure, Mr. Byun.” Chanyeol responds before placing his hand in Baekhyun’s pre-offered one, grinning like an idiot.
Baekhyun returns the smile, eyes curling into little crescents before he starts to lead Chanyeol down the sidewalk to the taxi stand.
“So it’s not too soon for hand holding. But what about birthday sex?"
“Watch yourself, Park."
A/N
Maybe someday I’ll write a fic where Baekhyun doesn’t get shitfaced. (tbh that’s about as likely as me writing a fic that doesn’t include breakfast food.)
After multiple re-writes, I still don’t like this story. But I don’t hate it anymore, so there’s that. Figured it was time to post this version to LJ. Ironically, I am in Busan as I post this.
Thank you for reading. Comments and such make me smile.
I’m also on twitter~