sad panda
**i realize this post is kinda long and rambly, i apologize**
so, i went ahead and ordered a new graphics card, which i talked about here, and new stick of memory on tuesday. i went with the less expensive one with the giant fan. i really think that'll help things from getting too hot. depending on how things work out, i may go ahead and install an extra fan in my case to make sure that, not only is hot air getting out, but cool air is still getting inside to help cool things down. i can easily pick up a fan at central computers. in any case, newegg is always pushing their cheap 3-day shipping. so, since it was less than $10, i went with it thinking my supplies would arrive by tomorrow. well, i guess i ordered too late on tuesday for my stuff to SHIP on tuesday. sadly, it didn't get out until yesterday. if you do the math, it means i won't get my stuff until monday, since they don't normally deliver on saturdays. i was really hoping to get the new stuff in my computer this weekend so i can start playing again. i've kinda lost interest in playing right now, since it's been proven i can't play what i WANT to play for more than an hour, at best.
sure, i could play WoW. i'm not sure why i'm avoiding it so much. i guess i just don't have the determination to get my current main character up on level with everyone else. it'd be great to get an actual group of alts together to play. but, at 28, it just seems to daunting! i still have so much to do! not only do i have instances to run, but all the quests i need to do to get the most experience i can. i sort of abandoned my hunter at 30 and i really enjoyed playing her. i'm hoping if i get started back playing with my rogue, i'll get into some kind of groove and just plow on through. at this point, i'm sad to say that i've gotten tired of my warlock. i love her dearly, but i really don't know what else i can do with my time. *sigh* anyway, once i get everything updated in my computer, i'll get back on that bandwagon.
+_+_+
i got a call from my godmother the other afternoon. i rarely get calls from my godparents, so it was a very pleasant surprise. she asked "so, are we still on for saturday?" o.0 umm...i felt horrible for forgetting. to be honest, my godparents aren't the most reliable. don't get me wrong, i love them dearly. they're such awesome people, but there have been a number of times when we've gotten together and made plans in advance and they don't follow through. the ONE TIME they remember and follow through, *I* forget! i felt really bad. i finally remembered we planned to have dinner to celebrate my birthday and my dad's birthday (they were going to be busy the week of our birthdays). i then realize my parents were going to join us, too, but they're in south carolina on vacation. i told my godmother and she said, "well, they don't have to come - it can just be us." somehow i felt even worse. it must've sounded like i'd only go over there if my parents came, which is SO not the case. since marshall and i hadn't planned this, i needed to check with him to see if we could go. who knows what other plans i might've forgotten? so, i solidified plans with my godmother yesterday. i'm really looking forward to it. i just wish i hadn't forgotten...
+_+_+
early last week, marshall and i were talking about ex's. they sometimes come up in conversation. i sometimes mention mine in passing, if i'm telling a story or it's relevant to what we're talking about at the time. he can't keep them straight, though. he'll always ask for clarification after they're mentioned to make sure he's thinking of the right guy. granted, it's not like i've had a MILLION boyfriends before i met marshall, but i guess i've had a few. i joked that i should make a timeline of the boyfriends i've had before marshall. he mentioned he had done kind of a chart thing for his really good friend of all his ex-girlfriends and their connections to either each other or to anything else. i thought this was a great idea and suggested it would be neat to do that together. he would create a chart of all his ex-girlfriends and i would make a chart of my ex-boyfriends. the chart would include a timeline of sorts, along with reasons for why the relationship didn't work. i even joked we could get one of those big presentation-sized pads of post-it paper. because i needed to figure out how far to go back, i asked if we could only include those which were "real" relationships. he said he was going back into high school. he mentioned he wanted to pad the numbers a bit. i was worried about going back that far because i wanted to keep my numbers DOWN. he..he..he
like i said, i haven't had THAT many boyfriends. but i've learned, looking back over the years and my past relationships, i have a fear of being alone. as much as i like my "alone time", i don't deal with it in long stretches. marshall asked me before (spurred on by a question on TQC) what, if anything, i missed about being single. i really had to think hard about that one, not because there wasn't anything i missed, but to figure out when i WAS single. since college, i wasn't ever single for longer than a few months. i'd break up with someone and a month or two i'd be dating someone else. i'm worried this makes me look like a slut, but i just don't like being alone. i think that's pretty reasonable, right? but yeah, i'm still interested in doing the timeline, i think it might be an interesting exercise.
+_+_+
i can't remember what we were talking about exactly, but something about strong women came up. marshall mentioned he liked strong women and i asked him if he considered me to be strong. he said that i was stronger when we first started dating. he fears that his apathetic nature has dulled my strength. he pointed out that i was much more disciplined and determined before. i think part of that was the fact that i was still in college and i was in the midst of erasing my horrible grades from freshman year. i NEEDED to work hard and therefore i was determined to do my best. i was also doing stuff that i loved doing. i LOVED going to a lot of my classes junior and senior year. i was also looking forward to going on my study-abroad program senior year. i needed good grades for that, too. i think there was more at stake back then. since, there hasn't been anything that i NEEDED to get done. i got to work every morning and do a job that i sorta like. i've mentioned before that i like the people i work with than the actual job i do.
since i got my acceptance letter for grad school, i've been lacking in motivation to actually get stuff done for that. granted, at this point, there isn't much for me to do. they told me to look over the website of the school and learn about how to sign up for classes, request a "blackboard" account for online classes, and all of that. i just didn't have the motivation to do any of it. i'm not sure why, i'm really happy i'm starting grad school in the fall. i think one of the reasons is no one around me is excited about it either. i thought i had told my friend, sanam, that i had gotten into grad school and we were chatting yesterday and she asked to see pictures of the new apartment. in that post where i showed pics of us moving, i mentioned that i had gotten into grad school, too. she came back and sounded super excited about it for me. at that moment, i actually got excited, too. i think that was the first time, too. i remember telling my mom i got into grad school and she was barely excited about it. "oh, that's good, hunny." sort "ho-hum" about it, almost. nothing like when i first got into college, which i know is somewhat of a bigger deal, but this didn't do much to bolster my esteem about it. i mean, grad school is still important, right? my mom was super excited when my sister was going to grad school to be a midwife. maybe the fact that i'm going to grad school to be a librarian is not as important as being a midwife? i think i've said before what my sister told me when she found out i got in: "why do you need a masters to be a librarian?" my mom once told me that the reason my sister gets on my case about certain things is because she knows i can do better. but i'm going to grad school to do something i WANT to do, what else does she want?! being the baby of the family has given me such a pleaser complex. i have to please everyone with anything and everything they want. putting it down on paper just makes it sound so pathetic.
+_+_+
april has been flying by. i realized yesterday it's only 2.5 weeks until my 25th birthday. a quarter-century. wow...
so, i went ahead and ordered a new graphics card, which i talked about here, and new stick of memory on tuesday. i went with the less expensive one with the giant fan. i really think that'll help things from getting too hot. depending on how things work out, i may go ahead and install an extra fan in my case to make sure that, not only is hot air getting out, but cool air is still getting inside to help cool things down. i can easily pick up a fan at central computers. in any case, newegg is always pushing their cheap 3-day shipping. so, since it was less than $10, i went with it thinking my supplies would arrive by tomorrow. well, i guess i ordered too late on tuesday for my stuff to SHIP on tuesday. sadly, it didn't get out until yesterday. if you do the math, it means i won't get my stuff until monday, since they don't normally deliver on saturdays. i was really hoping to get the new stuff in my computer this weekend so i can start playing again. i've kinda lost interest in playing right now, since it's been proven i can't play what i WANT to play for more than an hour, at best.
sure, i could play WoW. i'm not sure why i'm avoiding it so much. i guess i just don't have the determination to get my current main character up on level with everyone else. it'd be great to get an actual group of alts together to play. but, at 28, it just seems to daunting! i still have so much to do! not only do i have instances to run, but all the quests i need to do to get the most experience i can. i sort of abandoned my hunter at 30 and i really enjoyed playing her. i'm hoping if i get started back playing with my rogue, i'll get into some kind of groove and just plow on through. at this point, i'm sad to say that i've gotten tired of my warlock. i love her dearly, but i really don't know what else i can do with my time. *sigh* anyway, once i get everything updated in my computer, i'll get back on that bandwagon.
+_+_+
i got a call from my godmother the other afternoon. i rarely get calls from my godparents, so it was a very pleasant surprise. she asked "so, are we still on for saturday?" o.0 umm...i felt horrible for forgetting. to be honest, my godparents aren't the most reliable. don't get me wrong, i love them dearly. they're such awesome people, but there have been a number of times when we've gotten together and made plans in advance and they don't follow through. the ONE TIME they remember and follow through, *I* forget! i felt really bad. i finally remembered we planned to have dinner to celebrate my birthday and my dad's birthday (they were going to be busy the week of our birthdays). i then realize my parents were going to join us, too, but they're in south carolina on vacation. i told my godmother and she said, "well, they don't have to come - it can just be us." somehow i felt even worse. it must've sounded like i'd only go over there if my parents came, which is SO not the case. since marshall and i hadn't planned this, i needed to check with him to see if we could go. who knows what other plans i might've forgotten? so, i solidified plans with my godmother yesterday. i'm really looking forward to it. i just wish i hadn't forgotten...
+_+_+
early last week, marshall and i were talking about ex's. they sometimes come up in conversation. i sometimes mention mine in passing, if i'm telling a story or it's relevant to what we're talking about at the time. he can't keep them straight, though. he'll always ask for clarification after they're mentioned to make sure he's thinking of the right guy. granted, it's not like i've had a MILLION boyfriends before i met marshall, but i guess i've had a few. i joked that i should make a timeline of the boyfriends i've had before marshall. he mentioned he had done kind of a chart thing for his really good friend of all his ex-girlfriends and their connections to either each other or to anything else. i thought this was a great idea and suggested it would be neat to do that together. he would create a chart of all his ex-girlfriends and i would make a chart of my ex-boyfriends. the chart would include a timeline of sorts, along with reasons for why the relationship didn't work. i even joked we could get one of those big presentation-sized pads of post-it paper. because i needed to figure out how far to go back, i asked if we could only include those which were "real" relationships. he said he was going back into high school. he mentioned he wanted to pad the numbers a bit. i was worried about going back that far because i wanted to keep my numbers DOWN. he..he..he
like i said, i haven't had THAT many boyfriends. but i've learned, looking back over the years and my past relationships, i have a fear of being alone. as much as i like my "alone time", i don't deal with it in long stretches. marshall asked me before (spurred on by a question on TQC) what, if anything, i missed about being single. i really had to think hard about that one, not because there wasn't anything i missed, but to figure out when i WAS single. since college, i wasn't ever single for longer than a few months. i'd break up with someone and a month or two i'd be dating someone else. i'm worried this makes me look like a slut, but i just don't like being alone. i think that's pretty reasonable, right? but yeah, i'm still interested in doing the timeline, i think it might be an interesting exercise.
+_+_+
i can't remember what we were talking about exactly, but something about strong women came up. marshall mentioned he liked strong women and i asked him if he considered me to be strong. he said that i was stronger when we first started dating. he fears that his apathetic nature has dulled my strength. he pointed out that i was much more disciplined and determined before. i think part of that was the fact that i was still in college and i was in the midst of erasing my horrible grades from freshman year. i NEEDED to work hard and therefore i was determined to do my best. i was also doing stuff that i loved doing. i LOVED going to a lot of my classes junior and senior year. i was also looking forward to going on my study-abroad program senior year. i needed good grades for that, too. i think there was more at stake back then. since, there hasn't been anything that i NEEDED to get done. i got to work every morning and do a job that i sorta like. i've mentioned before that i like the people i work with than the actual job i do.
since i got my acceptance letter for grad school, i've been lacking in motivation to actually get stuff done for that. granted, at this point, there isn't much for me to do. they told me to look over the website of the school and learn about how to sign up for classes, request a "blackboard" account for online classes, and all of that. i just didn't have the motivation to do any of it. i'm not sure why, i'm really happy i'm starting grad school in the fall. i think one of the reasons is no one around me is excited about it either. i thought i had told my friend, sanam, that i had gotten into grad school and we were chatting yesterday and she asked to see pictures of the new apartment. in that post where i showed pics of us moving, i mentioned that i had gotten into grad school, too. she came back and sounded super excited about it for me. at that moment, i actually got excited, too. i think that was the first time, too. i remember telling my mom i got into grad school and she was barely excited about it. "oh, that's good, hunny." sort "ho-hum" about it, almost. nothing like when i first got into college, which i know is somewhat of a bigger deal, but this didn't do much to bolster my esteem about it. i mean, grad school is still important, right? my mom was super excited when my sister was going to grad school to be a midwife. maybe the fact that i'm going to grad school to be a librarian is not as important as being a midwife? i think i've said before what my sister told me when she found out i got in: "why do you need a masters to be a librarian?" my mom once told me that the reason my sister gets on my case about certain things is because she knows i can do better. but i'm going to grad school to do something i WANT to do, what else does she want?! being the baby of the family has given me such a pleaser complex. i have to please everyone with anything and everything they want. putting it down on paper just makes it sound so pathetic.
+_+_+
april has been flying by. i realized yesterday it's only 2.5 weeks until my 25th birthday. a quarter-century. wow...