Things that hurt my feelings... by Jack Handy
When I go out of my way to plead with you through two lj comments and one facebook message to keep in touch with me via email once a week and you flat out ignore every single one of those... it hurts my fucking feelings. I just wanted to connect with you like I never have before and like I know we can
( Read more... )
I can relate to what you're feeling in such a big way, I won't say I know exactly what you're going through or that I totally understand what it's like to be you, because I definitely don't. But I will say that I think you're an exceptionally good person, Ashley. Insecurity is such a monster, and neglect can do horrible things to your self-esteem. This sort of thing can happen pretty easily when one or more people cares more than others do...
If you remember back a couple years ago when Jack and I were having problems, it turned out to be something similar. At one point I said to him, "You just don't care enough!" He replied, "And you care too much."
He was right. I mean, to be fair, so was I. But I hadn't stopped to think about him. I wasn't being considerate of him, at all. I was so focused on all the things I was *convinced* he was doing wrong, that it never even crossed my mind to think about what I could do to make things better on my own, for both of us.
I didn't even REALIZE he was right until over a year later. That's the thing about growing up... You have to do it on your own, and sometimes it takes awhile, and sometimes the relationship or friendship will end before you're able to figure it out and get things right with yourself.
The reason I bring this up is because, well... Sometimes, you can't make people see what they should see. It's about character, you know? Jack, Donna, whoever -- they couldn't make me see how selfish I was, it was something I had to figure out on my own. Other people can't build character for you, it just happens. But sometimes life just isn't enough, especially for people who don't encounter much of it. For them, they have to WANT it... And not everyone does, because some people are happy being immature and selfish. They only care about others insofar as they are a good time, or a benefit to the life they're already living. They're not looking for someone to help them to grow, they want someone who will pick apart strangers with them, instead of helping them to see why picking apart strangers is a crappy and pointless thing to do.
I had a group of friends that was like this. Did a lot of the same shit you described people doing to you... And Ashley, you know that's not what friends do. Friends don't manipulate you and use you as a conversation piece with other people... I truly believe that gossiping is an addiction for some people. Addicts seek out other addicts, not people who want to help them to get clean... The irony is, when you TRULY love and care about someone, that's what you do. You look out for them. But when people don't want to change, when they don't want someone who will look out for them, when all they want is someone to share in their addiction... I'm sorry to say, you might just be wasting your time...
I'm not saying it isn't always worth the effort, but. It's like sending someone to rehab who doesn't want to stop using. My cousin, as an example. 2 weeks after rehab and she was popping pills all over again. She didn't go to rehab to get better, she went to get people off her back, and she hated every minute of it. I can't keep letting myself care and care and care when she doesn't CARE if I care or not. She'd probably rather I didn't, and I guess it isn't really my place to care if she gets better or not, especially if she doesn't. It's hard, it's really really hard, but I can't sacrifice my happiness just because she's throwing her life away.
People who are lost or confused don't recognize good people like you... They don't. This is something I figured out, and it isn't easy, as you seem to realize. It isn't easy to MAKE yourself stop caring about people, even when you know you should... But sometimes it's the only thing you can do.
Seriously though, I have SO MUCH respect for you. I've always admired your conviction and character. Keep on being the shit and a good person, Ashley. Fuck the haters, NEVER change. <3
Reply
Leave a comment