a normal thought-out entry! how rare...
.....
please forgive me if i seem obsessive in my entries. you see, i'm in love. i have found the one my heart connects with on a level so profound to me that words can't even begin to explain. i feel peaceful when i'm around him. and he accepts my past for what it is: unchangeable, already been lived, and never going to be repeated. we like many of the same things, we share many of the same thoughts, and although we are so much alike, we are still so different from eachother that i learn from him something worth knowing every single day. the only problem is i can't tell him that i love him. oh, it's not that he doesn't know i'm so completely enthralled that i'd step in front of firetruck that's going 95 mph down a very very steep hill just because he wished it of me...he knows. but he doesn't believe it. he chooses not to believe it. the one time i told him i loved him, he walked out of my house and didn't talk to me for nearly a month. i think he was intent on never seeing me again permanently, but i changed his mind. and i know why he does this, why he feels he can't trust those that would bare their throats to a voracious lion and grin and say "here kitty, kitty, kitty" rather than ever hurt him or stand idly by and watch him get hurt. i know. but that doesn't change the fact that he freaks out at the smallest mention of a commitment to someone. he won't even move in with me, if that explains anything.
but i thought about all of this during that month we were separated and i just have to accept that he's not getting better with showing devotion to another human being and he probably never will. either that or i tell him and risk never being with him at all.
however, that doesn't mean that i don't still long to tell him the words. and this is why i seem obsessive...i can't tell him face to face, in a letter, over the phone...but i can write down everything i want to tell him and feel better afterward.
<~~voracious lion
change of pace: i was in my history class today (US History Before 1877...like history just all of a sudden stopped at 1877 and everybody died, or something...) and we were discussing how available resources determine what type of culture a group of people will have. the subject came up about the first colonies on the east coast of the united states and how some people resorted to canibalism because the early settlers: 1) were not well enough equipped to handle that type of climate, which differed quite a lot from the one they were used to and 2) were more concerned with finding gold and getting rich quickly than they were concerned with finding enough food to last (they had a lot of catching up to do if they were going to beat Spain in the "greedy bastards" department). so yeah..it's pretty much common sense that in extreme circumstances some people will resort to canibalism in order to survive. apparently, the rest of my class didn't realize this. they were astounded. and they were even more floored by what the instructor said next: "canibalism happens...but that's not the main point here..." the room went quiet and you could tell the wheels were turning in quite a few brains and then the looks on their faces were priceless! it was almost as if you could hear them thinking "did she just say that?"
i couldn't help it. i laughed and told the instructor that i wanted a bumper sticker that said "canibalism happens" so i can put it on my car and then every cop in the county will pull me over and ask to look in my trunk. hilarious...but i guess you had to have been there, huh?
