two sides
i haven't updated in a while. i've tried to cover up my feelings for a while now. I'm at a point in my life where things are very new and i'm very scared because of that.
I'm sick of people thinking i'm this strong over confident and conceded person. because i'm not. if anything i'm the opposite. i'm tired of people considering me not caring. if anything I CARE TOO MUCH! perhaps that's where the judgements come from. i have to admit i feel jaded and feel like i understand people too much, which in return could make me look over confident i guess and conceded.
recently i met a great guy (at first), but with a bad reputation. that reputation made me so scared of getting hurt. so i was rude and sarcastic to him all the time, trying to lead him on, so that he couldn't think he had advantage over me, thinking this is the way it could work and that way if things go wrong i won't get hurt because i planned it all along that there was potential for him to play me. finally when i realised that his feelings were genuine and that my feelings were similar- things went pear shaped. i guess i was never to actually be with him, but it still really hurts. i liked how i felt i could really talk to him. i haven't had that in a while. also i really liked the fact that he made the first move by telling me he had a crush on me. i didn't have to walk up and say hi.
i've realised i like to be dominated. but the problem is i was right all along, he couldn't keep the facade for long and the true nick came out.
it's hard here at college lately. i think i'm starting to break a little. i'm smoking again which i didn't expect i'd ever do- especially after my uncle dying, but it's a really good vent. i can't find anything else that gives the same sort of relief from bottling things inside.
a logical part of me is asking am i keeping things to myself. well the truth is i feel that no one wants to listen to me. tonight kind of hit it for me. i walked around and couldn't find anyone to talk to. i think everyone has gone to the labes. the thing that got to me was that i didn't have any messages that said if i'd like to come.
i realise that i'm not a priority on everyones mind, but for some reason, i really want to be. i guess to do that though i have to do something to get the respect and so far perhaps the stuff i'm doing isn't enough.
my thoughts are going pretty fast at the moment. i can't identity my feelings. i'm so depressed. i'm so stressed out. and most of all i feel so alone, even though i do have a lot of people here who do care about me in some way or another.
one thing that got to me was being right. here i've always wanted to be right in my life and the one time i'm deadset and clearly right, it hurts. i miss the attention i got from nick and i really want it back but i want another chance to see if this could work if i hadn't been so hung up on his past.
it feels like you go for something and you are so sure that that's the way to go and it is when you succeed that you realise you were wrong all along and it wasn't the right thing to go for. being right isn't so great after all.
perhaps i just need sydney. i think i need to be with people i've known for ages. i really want to call someone but it's too late for that now.
i need some reassurance in my life at the moment. but at the same time i've realised that i want power. i know that in the past and now, i want to be in control, because i am a perfectionist. and i like that as i try not to have affect anyone else but myself and it's my own personal standards, so no one else should be involved. but i think it's more i want the power involved when being in control. it is not until i gain that sort of power that i feel satisfied. this is weird as i can't decide whether it's right or wrong to feel this way. or whether that depends on where i put that power.
i think i just need to get away for awhile.
one thing that i keep thinking will change everything is a boyfriend. but that's not how i want to be. i don't want to be confident because i have a boyfriend and that's only when it will happen. i can understand that maybe i act like that because it's that being wanted feeling and having power over how to handle it.
but why do i need attention. what's so important about it?
i can see already that in the next few weeks back in sydney, i am going to do a lot of self evaluation. i'm going to get my priorities straight and i will talk to who i want to talk, hang out with who i want to hang out with, and do what i want to do- instead of talking, hanging out with and doing what i THINK i should be doing.
i think i'm being too fake, and that has to end now, for myself.
i was being fake because i felt like no one likes the real me in the end. it's not though i've realised that people don't like me for me, it's they don't like having to make me a priority in their life, because they are their own priority already.
so this is a little conflcit i supposed i'll have to work out- by myself.
i think also independence has been brought to a new level now that i'm at uni and i've been finding it hard to do things for myself that i want to do, because i'm scared that i'll get out of the loop and that people will think that i feel that i'm too good or something for them- which i don't feel- well with some people at least.
perhaps the solution is i'll just play the game more for my benefit and less for everyone elses.
i feel better saying all that now.
I'm sick of people thinking i'm this strong over confident and conceded person. because i'm not. if anything i'm the opposite. i'm tired of people considering me not caring. if anything I CARE TOO MUCH! perhaps that's where the judgements come from. i have to admit i feel jaded and feel like i understand people too much, which in return could make me look over confident i guess and conceded.
recently i met a great guy (at first), but with a bad reputation. that reputation made me so scared of getting hurt. so i was rude and sarcastic to him all the time, trying to lead him on, so that he couldn't think he had advantage over me, thinking this is the way it could work and that way if things go wrong i won't get hurt because i planned it all along that there was potential for him to play me. finally when i realised that his feelings were genuine and that my feelings were similar- things went pear shaped. i guess i was never to actually be with him, but it still really hurts. i liked how i felt i could really talk to him. i haven't had that in a while. also i really liked the fact that he made the first move by telling me he had a crush on me. i didn't have to walk up and say hi.
i've realised i like to be dominated. but the problem is i was right all along, he couldn't keep the facade for long and the true nick came out.
it's hard here at college lately. i think i'm starting to break a little. i'm smoking again which i didn't expect i'd ever do- especially after my uncle dying, but it's a really good vent. i can't find anything else that gives the same sort of relief from bottling things inside.
a logical part of me is asking am i keeping things to myself. well the truth is i feel that no one wants to listen to me. tonight kind of hit it for me. i walked around and couldn't find anyone to talk to. i think everyone has gone to the labes. the thing that got to me was that i didn't have any messages that said if i'd like to come.
i realise that i'm not a priority on everyones mind, but for some reason, i really want to be. i guess to do that though i have to do something to get the respect and so far perhaps the stuff i'm doing isn't enough.
my thoughts are going pretty fast at the moment. i can't identity my feelings. i'm so depressed. i'm so stressed out. and most of all i feel so alone, even though i do have a lot of people here who do care about me in some way or another.
one thing that got to me was being right. here i've always wanted to be right in my life and the one time i'm deadset and clearly right, it hurts. i miss the attention i got from nick and i really want it back but i want another chance to see if this could work if i hadn't been so hung up on his past.
it feels like you go for something and you are so sure that that's the way to go and it is when you succeed that you realise you were wrong all along and it wasn't the right thing to go for. being right isn't so great after all.
perhaps i just need sydney. i think i need to be with people i've known for ages. i really want to call someone but it's too late for that now.
i need some reassurance in my life at the moment. but at the same time i've realised that i want power. i know that in the past and now, i want to be in control, because i am a perfectionist. and i like that as i try not to have affect anyone else but myself and it's my own personal standards, so no one else should be involved. but i think it's more i want the power involved when being in control. it is not until i gain that sort of power that i feel satisfied. this is weird as i can't decide whether it's right or wrong to feel this way. or whether that depends on where i put that power.
i think i just need to get away for awhile.
one thing that i keep thinking will change everything is a boyfriend. but that's not how i want to be. i don't want to be confident because i have a boyfriend and that's only when it will happen. i can understand that maybe i act like that because it's that being wanted feeling and having power over how to handle it.
but why do i need attention. what's so important about it?
i can see already that in the next few weeks back in sydney, i am going to do a lot of self evaluation. i'm going to get my priorities straight and i will talk to who i want to talk, hang out with who i want to hang out with, and do what i want to do- instead of talking, hanging out with and doing what i THINK i should be doing.
i think i'm being too fake, and that has to end now, for myself.
i was being fake because i felt like no one likes the real me in the end. it's not though i've realised that people don't like me for me, it's they don't like having to make me a priority in their life, because they are their own priority already.
so this is a little conflcit i supposed i'll have to work out- by myself.
i think also independence has been brought to a new level now that i'm at uni and i've been finding it hard to do things for myself that i want to do, because i'm scared that i'll get out of the loop and that people will think that i feel that i'm too good or something for them- which i don't feel- well with some people at least.
perhaps the solution is i'll just play the game more for my benefit and less for everyone elses.
i feel better saying all that now.