Some kind of update
This is not really an update about how my life went while I was away from LJ land but if you like to read the journey of my heart - check behind the cut.
I hope you all have a great weekend. A wicked one - btw HELP - I am not native speaking which is pretty obviouse :oP so I have to ask every now and then - the word: "Wicked" - does anybody still use it or was that like a word used in the 80th or so?
After desperatly trying to find a person to be my new relationship after the breakup with my long distance one I finally realized - the less you push the easier things get.
After the above mentioned breakup I had my fun time. How do I put this…..I was not too picky about who I had been with and I did not mind if it was pretty obvious thing will end as a one nighter. Think of me what you want - my heart was aching and I did not find something to ease the pain so I thought that might be a good idea.
The next person I met really through herself at me and I could not believe what was happening. I guess in the beginning I was treating her really really bad but she still was all about how perfect we are together and how we are meant to last forever.
I was like everything I was missing in past relationships. She cared, “I love you” short messages, calls several times a day and all girly lovey dovey.
After a while I was able chill and not listen to my brain. So the girl - she had me. I guess I fell in love and for a few month it was good.
Then - like one day I got a message saying how much she loves me, how much she wants a future for us and how she sees us together forever. Then - the next day I got a message that she breaks up. I called her to clear it up - though it was a joke at first.
She said she is not interested in talking and after I said it would only be fair to give me at least a reason she said something, then took it back and said the opposite. She kept me on the waiting list as she through little things in that made me think we can make things work again. Actually meanwhile she was not doing anything to come to a conclusion about what she wants. She was just lazy and did not even take care of things like finding a job, getting her daily routines done and she did not give a f…. about the well being of her son that lives with her brother because it is too much for her to raise him - come on - this woman works hard! 4 hours 2 times a week and that at a place she like to hang out anyways. She just made a few bucks there but welfare would jump in for rent, health care and a lot of other things. But she was so so sorry she could not buy her son presents every now and then.
Sorry about ranting but people like that make me angry. Especially when I have to deal with them and can not just walk away after I told my point of view.
So I realised it is way healthier to just leave that behind. It was not easy because I remembered all this love she threw at me but I called her and said this is done for me. Plan your life but I will not be a part of it.
Well - I so understand guys now when they say they do not understand woman. After that she wanted me back. I keep it short - it did not happen. One of the reasons why I was tough and smart enough to not go the easy way and go back was a woman I met during all that.
I have no idea what the future brings and for the first time that is ok. I know where I want to be and I see the way that takes me there. I know I can walk.
Old habits don`t fall of you from one day to another and I am still not the person I want to be. I have doubts in people when I have no reasons and I am scared I might lose them when there is also no reason but this girl - she has a way to tell me that it will all be good and for the first time I believe because I think she does not say what she thinks but what she sees in me - that it will all be good.
So to this woman. I would write a book if I say how much you mean to me. You already know - you can read in my mind every day. Whatever we will be in the future I know you have my heart and you handle it with care but do not pamper me so I don`t learn to fight.
I know you will be there - in a million ways. For that - all my respect. Lub ya.
I hope you all have a great weekend. A wicked one - btw HELP - I am not native speaking which is pretty obviouse :oP so I have to ask every now and then - the word: "Wicked" - does anybody still use it or was that like a word used in the 80th or so?
After desperatly trying to find a person to be my new relationship after the breakup with my long distance one I finally realized - the less you push the easier things get.
After the above mentioned breakup I had my fun time. How do I put this…..I was not too picky about who I had been with and I did not mind if it was pretty obvious thing will end as a one nighter. Think of me what you want - my heart was aching and I did not find something to ease the pain so I thought that might be a good idea.
The next person I met really through herself at me and I could not believe what was happening. I guess in the beginning I was treating her really really bad but she still was all about how perfect we are together and how we are meant to last forever.
I was like everything I was missing in past relationships. She cared, “I love you” short messages, calls several times a day and all girly lovey dovey.
After a while I was able chill and not listen to my brain. So the girl - she had me. I guess I fell in love and for a few month it was good.
Then - like one day I got a message saying how much she loves me, how much she wants a future for us and how she sees us together forever. Then - the next day I got a message that she breaks up. I called her to clear it up - though it was a joke at first.
She said she is not interested in talking and after I said it would only be fair to give me at least a reason she said something, then took it back and said the opposite. She kept me on the waiting list as she through little things in that made me think we can make things work again. Actually meanwhile she was not doing anything to come to a conclusion about what she wants. She was just lazy and did not even take care of things like finding a job, getting her daily routines done and she did not give a f…. about the well being of her son that lives with her brother because it is too much for her to raise him - come on - this woman works hard! 4 hours 2 times a week and that at a place she like to hang out anyways. She just made a few bucks there but welfare would jump in for rent, health care and a lot of other things. But she was so so sorry she could not buy her son presents every now and then.
Sorry about ranting but people like that make me angry. Especially when I have to deal with them and can not just walk away after I told my point of view.
So I realised it is way healthier to just leave that behind. It was not easy because I remembered all this love she threw at me but I called her and said this is done for me. Plan your life but I will not be a part of it.
Well - I so understand guys now when they say they do not understand woman. After that she wanted me back. I keep it short - it did not happen. One of the reasons why I was tough and smart enough to not go the easy way and go back was a woman I met during all that.
I have no idea what the future brings and for the first time that is ok. I know where I want to be and I see the way that takes me there. I know I can walk.
Old habits don`t fall of you from one day to another and I am still not the person I want to be. I have doubts in people when I have no reasons and I am scared I might lose them when there is also no reason but this girl - she has a way to tell me that it will all be good and for the first time I believe because I think she does not say what she thinks but what she sees in me - that it will all be good.
So to this woman. I would write a book if I say how much you mean to me. You already know - you can read in my mind every day. Whatever we will be in the future I know you have my heart and you handle it with care but do not pamper me so I don`t learn to fight.
I know you will be there - in a million ways. For that - all my respect. Lub ya.