Alitorama II: The Return
Ah, day 2. While yesterday was trial-by-ordeal for the audience, today is the first of two days of trial-by-ordeal for the nominee. Alito will face a nine-hour oral exam, during which he must not so much as twitch.
Centuries ago, Chinese administrative judges are said to have invented an entire discipline of physical and mental training to allow them to remain motionless and display not a hint of fatigue or indeed any response as all while hearing cases for sixteen or eighteen hours without a break. Today we will learn if Alito has mastered that arcane art.
Actually, a textual description of these hearings is inadequate to convey Judge Alito's true experience. So when reading this, please tilt your head ten degrees to the left, steeple your hands, and rock back and forth slightly in your chair for eight straight hours while maintaining an expression of studied affability. That is the real judge Alito experience.
Specter: Griswold? Privacy? Eisenstadt? Roe? Casey? Liberty?
Alito: Totally!
Specter: I did not expect you to answer that. Now I am at a loss for what else to question you on. So I will now speak at great length in order to test your smile-and-nod skills.
Alito: Dude, I'm a judge. I've been smiling and nodding for decades. C-SPAN cameramen have died of starvation waiting for me to stop smiling and nodding.
Specter: Do you like precedent? Back in '85 you did not like precedent.
Alito: I _love_ precedent. Reliance interests rock my world. Back in '85, precedent and I were going through a rough patch. We were both seeing other theories. But we're totally back together now.
Specter: I will now ask a dozen detailed and highly technical questions about FISA courts and wiretaps without letting you answer. Now answer all dozen, in order.
Alito: Ebbeh-huh? Wibble. Um, thingy. Wait, I bet nobody else can remember all those questions, either! I am going to recite a summary of the Youngstown case. Even you will not know if I have answered your questions.
Leahy: I have some questions regarding executive power. In particular, can the president do whatever he wants through sneaky method X, Y, or Z, all of which you mentioned favorably twenty years ago?
Alito: X is a theory that I wrote in a rough draft of a note nobody read twenty years ago. I may have been drunk at the time. If anyone thought about it for five minutes, it is theoretically possible that they might think of several dozen obvious problems with it. Y is very complicated, and it would require a great deal of careful analysis to conclude with certainty that it is totally stupid and borderline insane. Z is very complicated and would involve careful analysis of specific facts before saying it is completely absurd.
Leahy: I'm sorry, I am completely unable to detect any of the subtle implications in your previous statement. Let me ask you how you will rule on a specific non-hypothetical future case certain to come before you whether or not you are confirmed.
Alito: No. No. Also, no. Are you completely stupid?
Leahy: You leave me no choice but to pointlessly grandstand for five or ten minutes. Iraq, Quakers, privacy, search and seizure, wiretap, immunity, blah blah blah. Now, let me ask you about your famous search warrant case.
Alito: Um, you completely mischaracterized that case. Did you even read it? It was a totally different question and judging against a totally different standard.
Leahy: No, I just read the media summaries. Again you have offended me with you judginess; again I will grandstand for ten minutes. Now, let me bring up this possibly racist group at Princeton that an ancient draft of your resume claims you were a member of.
Alito: I've never even heard of them prior to this confirmation ordeal. Actually, given that they would even have opposed _me_, I have no idea what that is about.
Hatch: Okay, you know what would make everyone happy? If I threw you a bunch of softball questions about this issue. Who doesn't like fielding obviously bogus questions about half-recalled stupid things one did in college?
Alito: I will now reminisce about Princeton. If I keep talking, maybe Hatch will stop trying to suck up to me embarrassingly.
Hatch: Your resume... your resume is so long. Your integrity is totally peerless. So long, and deep, and broad. Long... deep... broad...
Alito: [Slowly turns beet red, attempts to hide behind his water glass.] I am now going to explain my conduct in the Vanguard case in great detail, including profoundly dull details of how I manage my office paperwork, in hopes that you will shut up and stop embarrassing me.
Kennedy: You know what was interesting? That Vanguard case was interesting. I was totally fascinated by your description of how you had your clerks use a special red form for pro se cases so as not to get them confused with a different white form used in other cases. Let's talk about that for the next half hour. Hey, why are the spectators in this room slashing their own wrists?
Alito: Unfotunately, my ethics prevent me from commenting on what a self-important windbag you are.
Kennedy: That's okay, I'm going to filibuster your ass anyway. I'm just trying to get you to say something foolish that will give me political cover.
Alito: Thank you, Senator. And may I say, you sure are looking jowly today.
[At this point some humane soul screws up the timer for the hearing, cutting off Kennedy, but unfortunately Kennedy notices and his time is restored.]
Kennedy: I will now tell a long story about an eviction proceeding that shows you in a bad light. Rather than asking a question, I will simply speak at great length and shake my jowls.
Alito: Look, I know what the law is, and actually read the case.
Kennedy: Well, I guess that's where we differ on this matter, boy. I think I'll just use up my remaining time listing all the cases you've ever decided that had bad-sounding results, without even briefly considering the legal questions behind them. However, I will confine these remarks to cases that you have already talked about in detail. Because I am reading a prepared statement, I will not address any of the things you have said about them, but will merely confine myself to repeating what others have already said in this hearing.
Specter: I can't help but notice that Kennedy didn't actually let you answer several of his questions. I'm now going to let you do so.
Alito: I am alarmed to the point of obscenity by your human decency. [He totally did say, "shit!" The transcript leaves this out.]
Grassley: I really enjoyed Kennedy's drunk speech yesterday, so today I am the one who is stammering and cannot pronounce "Alito." I will now ramble at length about how nice and forthcoming you are, and how willing you are to answer questions in the unlikely event that I actually get so far as to ask one. In the meantime, staffers behind me will hold up signs with an eye-wateringly unreadable blue-and-yellow color scheme, in the wrong order and occasionally backwards.
Grassley: The courts have an important job to make sure that the other two branches of government do not usurp each others' roles and powers. Will you stop the executive branch from abusing the rights of citizens?
Alito: If I parse that question correctly, you seem to be saying that abusing the rights of citizens is reserved to the legislature.
Grassley: Um. Yeah. How about I just stammer and mispronounce words and leave all the constitutional stuff to you. The "odd, spacious" terms of the constitution confuse and intimidate me.
Alito: Leave the Constitution stuff to me, sir. I can't possible be as much of a fuckup as you.
Biden: Hey, remember how I promised yesterday that I was going to get into demanding and technical issues like the 10th and 11th amendments, court dynamics and 4-5 decisions, vague decisions language, and the like? Well, I was joking. Instead, I'm going to review two discrimination cases that nobody on this committee actually cares about.
Alito: Well maybe I can give people some technical meat about evidentiary rules and standards of proof anyway?
Biden: No, sorry, I'm just going to cite one side of each case and hound you about your decisions.
Alito: Well there goes my only hope for an intelligent conversation all day.
Specter: Again, I notice from my notes that you weren't give a chance to answer a question about "unitary executive" theory.
Alito: That's okay, nobody understands that theory anyway.
Kyl: One of my party's talking points has something to do with "citations of foreign law."
Alito: I have a sensible view of this.
Kyl: Another talking point is "judicial activism."
Alito: Again, sensible.
Kyl: "Judicial supre --"
Alito: -- sensible!
Kyl: "Judicial humility"
Alito: S-E-N-S-I- --
Kyl: Lunch break!
Alito: And now, look, you're sensible, too!
Kyl: Pledge of Allegiance! Balance of the Court! Individual Rights! Conflicting Freedoms! Police powers!
Alito: Um, whatever the question was, I'm sensible. Look, I've got a whole list of cases. Maybe if I read summaries of all of them, you will shut up and go away.
Kohl: Since yesterday, I have branched out from metaphors to aphorisms. I have also branched out from speaking to the committee or the nominee to mumbling directly into my notes.
Kohl: Simon says, tell me you have a judicial philosophy.
Alito: I have a judicial philosophy.
Kohl: Simon says, tell me you like Brown v. Board of Education.
Alito: I like Brown v. Board of Education.
Kohl: Simon says, say that you are not Bork.
Alito: I'm not Bork.
Kohl: Simon says, say that you worked for the Reagan administration in 1985 and opposed Warren court decisions regarding legislative reapportionment.
Alito: I worked for the Reagan administration in 1985 and opposed Warren court decisions regarding legislative reapportionment.
Kohl: Recall in detail everything that you were thinking twenty years ago.
Alito: Well, my father's legislative districting scheme had just been struck down by the Supreme Court, and I was interested in the arguments put forth in the Bickel case that...
Kohl: Didn't say Simon Says! This proves you are really a conservative judicial activist!
Kohl: And I am totally outraged by your decision that was overruled by the Supreme Court in Hibbs!
Alito: I didn't decide any case even slightly like Hibbs. You are apparently hallucinating my judicial record. Perhaps you mean this different case regarding an unrelated part of the same law that everyone else agreed with me on?
Kohl: Oops.
DeWine: You know what these hearings have too much of? Alito speaking. I'm going to yammer about the judicial mainstream until even the press people are leaving the room. Can I empty the entire hearing room before my time is up? I can sure try. By the way, did anyone notice how I look and sound a lot like Principal Skinner from the Simpsons.
Alito: You have inadvertently phrased a question. Now I will explain my views on Congressional findings and on the spending power. Also, I look and sound like Milhouse.
DeWine: Okay, now that we've bored everyone to tears and driven out most of the press and audience, it's time to mention Roe v. Wade and watch a hundred people all attempt simultaneously to sidle back into the committee room without anyone noticing, and get stuck in the doorway. Better yet, how about I speechify about this for fifteen minutes without letting Alito get a word in, then change topic twice. I will finish with some random and largely silly remarks about the first amendment.
Alito: I have become puzzled and disoriented listening to your bizarre and rambling speech. I will provide a brief lecture on the state of first amendment law, since you seem to have missed that bit of high school civics; whatever the question was, this probably at least addressed it.
DeWine: I will now read a couple of technical questions about certiorari granting. I clearly don't understand a word of what I'm reading.
Alito: That's okay, I don't understand a word of what you're reading either. Why on earth are you asking what's basically a question of how I intend to manage my office staff?
Feinstein: I hate federalism. I think Lopez and Morrison were terrible. Rybar was a travesty. States suck! Congress rulez!
Alito: Was that even a questi --
Feinstein: -- no! Nor will be the next five minutes be a question. I intend to do for federalism what Senator DeWine did for abortion: Not let you speak about it.
Feinstein: How would you have decided the Rybar case if X were true?
Alito: I don't think I can answer a hypothetical --
Feinstein: -- it's not hypothetical! I just want to know how Rybar would have been decided if X were true.
Alito: I hate you all.
Feinstein: Now I will go for the Bill O'Reilly Pointless Rudeness Award for most times I can interrupt my interviewee. Commerce Clause?
Alito: I --
Feinstein: Lopez!
Alito: That --
Feinstein: Morrison!
Alito: Ebbeh --
Feinstein: Wait! Stop! Congressional authority!
Alito: Now --
Feinstein: Too slow! You lose! Stare decisis!
Alito: I thi --
Feinstein: Pwn3d!
Sessions: It is important that we, the Senate, ask you very critical and probing questions and really get to the bottom of things. So, tell us how this whole Supreme Court doohickey works, anyway.
Alito: When a plaintiff and a defendant hate each other very much... [cue five minutes of Schoolhouse Rock-level civics lesson.]
Sessions: And I hear a lot about this Constitution thing. Tell me about that.
Alito: [five minutes of Constitutional Text for Dummies]
Sessions: Well, you sure do know a lot about this judgy stuff. Now tell me about how you are going to get rid of Roe v. Wade once I've put you on the Court.
Alito: You are smoking crack, sir.
Sessions: Liberals and Conservatives have different views of judicial activism. The difference is that our view is right, whereas the other side's is made up. You aren't going to be one of the bad sorts of judicial activists, I hope.
Alito: Crack with a booze chaser, apparently.
Sessions: Now, I will recite my party's talking points regarding the proper views and methods of the judiciary.
Feingold: Okay, I lost the truth-or-dare game in my caucus last night, and so had to get a stupid haircut and have to ask you about executive power. Can the president do illegal things?
Alito: No.
Feingold: That was an awfully vague answer. Let me rephrase the question to you eight or ten more times.
Feingold: Please describe to me how you secretly prepared for these hearings, and tell us whether you answered things differently in practice sessions.
Alito: Um, Chairman, can he ask that?
Specter: Um, I guess, probably.
Feingold: Okay, tell us how the Bush administration conspiracy has fed you answers, and has instructed you how to sneakily evade questions and tell you how to avoid questions. Tell us how the FBI and NSA instructed you on what legal arguments to make and to avoid. Explain how aliens probed you as a child.
Alito: This is frankly stupid. You are accusing me of ridiculously unethical things. Besides, all I know of the NSA wiretaps issue is what I read off the internet.
Feingold: Grr. Admit that you want to let the President get away with evil wiretaps! Tell us you are an administration tool!
Alito: No. Have you had a rabies vaccination recently?
Feingold: Now, I am coming back to the Vanguard recusal issue. Since it's been entirely done to death, and everything about it has been explained eight or ten times, it is obvious that I am just doing this to generate political cover for a filibuster. In fact, this whole line of questioning is halfhearted at best.
Hatch: I don't think any of us are regretting this line of inquiry enough, so I am going to speak out of turn to tell you that I would totally recuse Judge Alito any day of the week.
Graham: Dear God are Feingold and Hatch aggravating. Anyway, I will open with a long series of unfunny jokes. See, I hear there are talent scouts in the audience for Comedy Central Presents, and I will totally slay them with my clever jokes about Jack Abramoff.
Graham: Everything is different post 9/11. Congress has authorized the president to do anything he wants ever. I am now going to ask you a number of specific questions about cases certain to come before you.
Alito: I would decline to answer your questions, but you keep interrupting me.
Graham: That's okay, you're optional here. I'm just going to give a long speech about how America and our way of life and freedom and democracy all depend on perpetual detention without charge of anyone the president doesn't like. You can just sleep for the next few minutes.
Alito: But surely --
Graham: -- Freedom and democracy! I will not be out-interrupted by that old biddy Feinstein; I can be far ruder than that old California liberal pansy!
[This rapidly degenerates into the worst sort of thesis defense, in which the questioner asks all kinds of leading questions about obscure things that fascinate him, and the unfortunate interviewee tries to stumble through. Graham actually catchs Alito with a trick question about In Re Quirin, which causes a gasp from all assembled.]
[Really, this is by far the most abusive questioning so far. Graham is clearly trying to bully Alito into committing to particular political views of detention and torture issues, and Alito is flailing around trying to get to safe ground. It is painful to listen to. If anyone here is represented by Sen. Graham, I have to tell you that he is a sick, sadistic bully.]
Alito: Wait. Wait wait wait. We are totally off the track here. I'm going to stop answering questions now.
Graham: How dare you, worm? Besides, I'm not talking to you. "You don't have to listen, I'm talking to other people now." Now I will rant about executive war powers.
Graham: Do you like filibusters?
Alito: They are not mine to like or dislike. I just plain shouldn't answer questions about your rules of order, Senator.
Graham: So, how have you liked this process? Do you enjoy being grilled by Senators?
Alito: Um... I am totally not going to answer that question.
Schumer: I am now going to take every word you wrote in your 1985 job application and dissect it. In fact, I am going to frantically wave a pintout copy of it around like Joe McCarthy on crystal meth.
Alito: That seems reaso --
Schumer: Also, having learned from Feinstein and Graham, I will interrupt every attempt you make to answer with more than a single word.
Schumer: In spite of your previous answers, I believe that you hate abortion rights and precedent.
Alito: In all f --
Schumer: Your words mean nothing to me, worm! See, I have large unreadable posters about Justice Thomas, and the posters speak to me and say, "Pssst, Schumer, don't trust anyone who says they respect precedent! They all lie!" The posters speak to me. They cause me to gesticulate and stammer. I look more like I'm tweaking on meth every minute.
Schumer: You know what, I'm bored of these hearings. Let's play a few rounds of identify-the-quote. I'll make up trick questions about quotes from nominees and politicians, you try to identify the speakers.
Alito: Is this really necess --
Schumer: -- Identify, worm!
Schumer: Look at the things that your fellow judges have said about you in cases where they disagreed with you. They say your ideas were wrong and misapplied the law of the case! Judges would never say such things unless you were really terrible.
Cornyn: I don't believe in abortion or privacy rights. After all, isn't it tru that neither abortion nor privacy appears in the constitution.
Alito: Neither of those words appears, but I cannot help but notice the word "liberty" and the provisions of the fourth amendment.
Cornyn: Sorry, did you say something? Anyway, do you agree that it can sometimes be important to revisit and overturn precedent? Not that I have a precedent in mind or anything.
Alito: Very occasionally that is a regrettable necessity on Constitutional cases, but it isn't something to count on.
Cornyn: You know, of course, that you aren't the deciding vote for Roe v. Wade, so it is okay for you to say that you agree with me.
Alito: Yeah, I was aware that I am allowed to agree with you. Look at how much agreeing I'm doing. Please continue your destructive and crackheaded line of questioning.
Cornyn: Everyone hates the trimester scheme of Roe.
Alito: Including modern abortion jurisprudence. That horse is already dead; do not further beat it.
Cornyn: I give up. You have oursmarted me.
Specter: We will now adjourn, and finish up this round of questioning tomorrow. Alito, thank you for keeping this interesting. You have a good sense of humor.
Leahy: The democratic caucus is prepared to certify this nominee as "funny" if the chairman will make these hearings shorter.
Specter: I'll see what we can do.
And there you have it. I don't have transcript links at the moment, but the hearings are liveblogged at scotusblog if you want to hear what actual experts have to say about them.
Centuries ago, Chinese administrative judges are said to have invented an entire discipline of physical and mental training to allow them to remain motionless and display not a hint of fatigue or indeed any response as all while hearing cases for sixteen or eighteen hours without a break. Today we will learn if Alito has mastered that arcane art.
Actually, a textual description of these hearings is inadequate to convey Judge Alito's true experience. So when reading this, please tilt your head ten degrees to the left, steeple your hands, and rock back and forth slightly in your chair for eight straight hours while maintaining an expression of studied affability. That is the real judge Alito experience.
Specter: Griswold? Privacy? Eisenstadt? Roe? Casey? Liberty?
Alito: Totally!
Specter: I did not expect you to answer that. Now I am at a loss for what else to question you on. So I will now speak at great length in order to test your smile-and-nod skills.
Alito: Dude, I'm a judge. I've been smiling and nodding for decades. C-SPAN cameramen have died of starvation waiting for me to stop smiling and nodding.
Specter: Do you like precedent? Back in '85 you did not like precedent.
Alito: I _love_ precedent. Reliance interests rock my world. Back in '85, precedent and I were going through a rough patch. We were both seeing other theories. But we're totally back together now.
Specter: I will now ask a dozen detailed and highly technical questions about FISA courts and wiretaps without letting you answer. Now answer all dozen, in order.
Alito: Ebbeh-huh? Wibble. Um, thingy. Wait, I bet nobody else can remember all those questions, either! I am going to recite a summary of the Youngstown case. Even you will not know if I have answered your questions.
Leahy: I have some questions regarding executive power. In particular, can the president do whatever he wants through sneaky method X, Y, or Z, all of which you mentioned favorably twenty years ago?
Alito: X is a theory that I wrote in a rough draft of a note nobody read twenty years ago. I may have been drunk at the time. If anyone thought about it for five minutes, it is theoretically possible that they might think of several dozen obvious problems with it. Y is very complicated, and it would require a great deal of careful analysis to conclude with certainty that it is totally stupid and borderline insane. Z is very complicated and would involve careful analysis of specific facts before saying it is completely absurd.
Leahy: I'm sorry, I am completely unable to detect any of the subtle implications in your previous statement. Let me ask you how you will rule on a specific non-hypothetical future case certain to come before you whether or not you are confirmed.
Alito: No. No. Also, no. Are you completely stupid?
Leahy: You leave me no choice but to pointlessly grandstand for five or ten minutes. Iraq, Quakers, privacy, search and seizure, wiretap, immunity, blah blah blah. Now, let me ask you about your famous search warrant case.
Alito: Um, you completely mischaracterized that case. Did you even read it? It was a totally different question and judging against a totally different standard.
Leahy: No, I just read the media summaries. Again you have offended me with you judginess; again I will grandstand for ten minutes. Now, let me bring up this possibly racist group at Princeton that an ancient draft of your resume claims you were a member of.
Alito: I've never even heard of them prior to this confirmation ordeal. Actually, given that they would even have opposed _me_, I have no idea what that is about.
Hatch: Okay, you know what would make everyone happy? If I threw you a bunch of softball questions about this issue. Who doesn't like fielding obviously bogus questions about half-recalled stupid things one did in college?
Alito: I will now reminisce about Princeton. If I keep talking, maybe Hatch will stop trying to suck up to me embarrassingly.
Hatch: Your resume... your resume is so long. Your integrity is totally peerless. So long, and deep, and broad. Long... deep... broad...
Alito: [Slowly turns beet red, attempts to hide behind his water glass.] I am now going to explain my conduct in the Vanguard case in great detail, including profoundly dull details of how I manage my office paperwork, in hopes that you will shut up and stop embarrassing me.
Kennedy: You know what was interesting? That Vanguard case was interesting. I was totally fascinated by your description of how you had your clerks use a special red form for pro se cases so as not to get them confused with a different white form used in other cases. Let's talk about that for the next half hour. Hey, why are the spectators in this room slashing their own wrists?
Alito: Unfotunately, my ethics prevent me from commenting on what a self-important windbag you are.
Kennedy: That's okay, I'm going to filibuster your ass anyway. I'm just trying to get you to say something foolish that will give me political cover.
Alito: Thank you, Senator. And may I say, you sure are looking jowly today.
[At this point some humane soul screws up the timer for the hearing, cutting off Kennedy, but unfortunately Kennedy notices and his time is restored.]
Kennedy: I will now tell a long story about an eviction proceeding that shows you in a bad light. Rather than asking a question, I will simply speak at great length and shake my jowls.
Alito: Look, I know what the law is, and actually read the case.
Kennedy: Well, I guess that's where we differ on this matter, boy. I think I'll just use up my remaining time listing all the cases you've ever decided that had bad-sounding results, without even briefly considering the legal questions behind them. However, I will confine these remarks to cases that you have already talked about in detail. Because I am reading a prepared statement, I will not address any of the things you have said about them, but will merely confine myself to repeating what others have already said in this hearing.
Specter: I can't help but notice that Kennedy didn't actually let you answer several of his questions. I'm now going to let you do so.
Alito: I am alarmed to the point of obscenity by your human decency. [He totally did say, "shit!" The transcript leaves this out.]
Grassley: I really enjoyed Kennedy's drunk speech yesterday, so today I am the one who is stammering and cannot pronounce "Alito." I will now ramble at length about how nice and forthcoming you are, and how willing you are to answer questions in the unlikely event that I actually get so far as to ask one. In the meantime, staffers behind me will hold up signs with an eye-wateringly unreadable blue-and-yellow color scheme, in the wrong order and occasionally backwards.
Grassley: The courts have an important job to make sure that the other two branches of government do not usurp each others' roles and powers. Will you stop the executive branch from abusing the rights of citizens?
Alito: If I parse that question correctly, you seem to be saying that abusing the rights of citizens is reserved to the legislature.
Grassley: Um. Yeah. How about I just stammer and mispronounce words and leave all the constitutional stuff to you. The "odd, spacious" terms of the constitution confuse and intimidate me.
Alito: Leave the Constitution stuff to me, sir. I can't possible be as much of a fuckup as you.
Biden: Hey, remember how I promised yesterday that I was going to get into demanding and technical issues like the 10th and 11th amendments, court dynamics and 4-5 decisions, vague decisions language, and the like? Well, I was joking. Instead, I'm going to review two discrimination cases that nobody on this committee actually cares about.
Alito: Well maybe I can give people some technical meat about evidentiary rules and standards of proof anyway?
Biden: No, sorry, I'm just going to cite one side of each case and hound you about your decisions.
Alito: Well there goes my only hope for an intelligent conversation all day.
Specter: Again, I notice from my notes that you weren't give a chance to answer a question about "unitary executive" theory.
Alito: That's okay, nobody understands that theory anyway.
Kyl: One of my party's talking points has something to do with "citations of foreign law."
Alito: I have a sensible view of this.
Kyl: Another talking point is "judicial activism."
Alito: Again, sensible.
Kyl: "Judicial supre --"
Alito: -- sensible!
Kyl: "Judicial humility"
Alito: S-E-N-S-I- --
Kyl: Lunch break!
Alito: And now, look, you're sensible, too!
Kyl: Pledge of Allegiance! Balance of the Court! Individual Rights! Conflicting Freedoms! Police powers!
Alito: Um, whatever the question was, I'm sensible. Look, I've got a whole list of cases. Maybe if I read summaries of all of them, you will shut up and go away.
Kohl: Since yesterday, I have branched out from metaphors to aphorisms. I have also branched out from speaking to the committee or the nominee to mumbling directly into my notes.
Kohl: Simon says, tell me you have a judicial philosophy.
Alito: I have a judicial philosophy.
Kohl: Simon says, tell me you like Brown v. Board of Education.
Alito: I like Brown v. Board of Education.
Kohl: Simon says, say that you are not Bork.
Alito: I'm not Bork.
Kohl: Simon says, say that you worked for the Reagan administration in 1985 and opposed Warren court decisions regarding legislative reapportionment.
Alito: I worked for the Reagan administration in 1985 and opposed Warren court decisions regarding legislative reapportionment.
Kohl: Recall in detail everything that you were thinking twenty years ago.
Alito: Well, my father's legislative districting scheme had just been struck down by the Supreme Court, and I was interested in the arguments put forth in the Bickel case that...
Kohl: Didn't say Simon Says! This proves you are really a conservative judicial activist!
Kohl: And I am totally outraged by your decision that was overruled by the Supreme Court in Hibbs!
Alito: I didn't decide any case even slightly like Hibbs. You are apparently hallucinating my judicial record. Perhaps you mean this different case regarding an unrelated part of the same law that everyone else agreed with me on?
Kohl: Oops.
DeWine: You know what these hearings have too much of? Alito speaking. I'm going to yammer about the judicial mainstream until even the press people are leaving the room. Can I empty the entire hearing room before my time is up? I can sure try. By the way, did anyone notice how I look and sound a lot like Principal Skinner from the Simpsons.
Alito: You have inadvertently phrased a question. Now I will explain my views on Congressional findings and on the spending power. Also, I look and sound like Milhouse.
DeWine: Okay, now that we've bored everyone to tears and driven out most of the press and audience, it's time to mention Roe v. Wade and watch a hundred people all attempt simultaneously to sidle back into the committee room without anyone noticing, and get stuck in the doorway. Better yet, how about I speechify about this for fifteen minutes without letting Alito get a word in, then change topic twice. I will finish with some random and largely silly remarks about the first amendment.
Alito: I have become puzzled and disoriented listening to your bizarre and rambling speech. I will provide a brief lecture on the state of first amendment law, since you seem to have missed that bit of high school civics; whatever the question was, this probably at least addressed it.
DeWine: I will now read a couple of technical questions about certiorari granting. I clearly don't understand a word of what I'm reading.
Alito: That's okay, I don't understand a word of what you're reading either. Why on earth are you asking what's basically a question of how I intend to manage my office staff?
Feinstein: I hate federalism. I think Lopez and Morrison were terrible. Rybar was a travesty. States suck! Congress rulez!
Alito: Was that even a questi --
Feinstein: -- no! Nor will be the next five minutes be a question. I intend to do for federalism what Senator DeWine did for abortion: Not let you speak about it.
Feinstein: How would you have decided the Rybar case if X were true?
Alito: I don't think I can answer a hypothetical --
Feinstein: -- it's not hypothetical! I just want to know how Rybar would have been decided if X were true.
Alito: I hate you all.
Feinstein: Now I will go for the Bill O'Reilly Pointless Rudeness Award for most times I can interrupt my interviewee. Commerce Clause?
Alito: I --
Feinstein: Lopez!
Alito: That --
Feinstein: Morrison!
Alito: Ebbeh --
Feinstein: Wait! Stop! Congressional authority!
Alito: Now --
Feinstein: Too slow! You lose! Stare decisis!
Alito: I thi --
Feinstein: Pwn3d!
Sessions: It is important that we, the Senate, ask you very critical and probing questions and really get to the bottom of things. So, tell us how this whole Supreme Court doohickey works, anyway.
Alito: When a plaintiff and a defendant hate each other very much... [cue five minutes of Schoolhouse Rock-level civics lesson.]
Sessions: And I hear a lot about this Constitution thing. Tell me about that.
Alito: [five minutes of Constitutional Text for Dummies]
Sessions: Well, you sure do know a lot about this judgy stuff. Now tell me about how you are going to get rid of Roe v. Wade once I've put you on the Court.
Alito: You are smoking crack, sir.
Sessions: Liberals and Conservatives have different views of judicial activism. The difference is that our view is right, whereas the other side's is made up. You aren't going to be one of the bad sorts of judicial activists, I hope.
Alito: Crack with a booze chaser, apparently.
Sessions: Now, I will recite my party's talking points regarding the proper views and methods of the judiciary.
Feingold: Okay, I lost the truth-or-dare game in my caucus last night, and so had to get a stupid haircut and have to ask you about executive power. Can the president do illegal things?
Alito: No.
Feingold: That was an awfully vague answer. Let me rephrase the question to you eight or ten more times.
Feingold: Please describe to me how you secretly prepared for these hearings, and tell us whether you answered things differently in practice sessions.
Alito: Um, Chairman, can he ask that?
Specter: Um, I guess, probably.
Feingold: Okay, tell us how the Bush administration conspiracy has fed you answers, and has instructed you how to sneakily evade questions and tell you how to avoid questions. Tell us how the FBI and NSA instructed you on what legal arguments to make and to avoid. Explain how aliens probed you as a child.
Alito: This is frankly stupid. You are accusing me of ridiculously unethical things. Besides, all I know of the NSA wiretaps issue is what I read off the internet.
Feingold: Grr. Admit that you want to let the President get away with evil wiretaps! Tell us you are an administration tool!
Alito: No. Have you had a rabies vaccination recently?
Feingold: Now, I am coming back to the Vanguard recusal issue. Since it's been entirely done to death, and everything about it has been explained eight or ten times, it is obvious that I am just doing this to generate political cover for a filibuster. In fact, this whole line of questioning is halfhearted at best.
Hatch: I don't think any of us are regretting this line of inquiry enough, so I am going to speak out of turn to tell you that I would totally recuse Judge Alito any day of the week.
Graham: Dear God are Feingold and Hatch aggravating. Anyway, I will open with a long series of unfunny jokes. See, I hear there are talent scouts in the audience for Comedy Central Presents, and I will totally slay them with my clever jokes about Jack Abramoff.
Graham: Everything is different post 9/11. Congress has authorized the president to do anything he wants ever. I am now going to ask you a number of specific questions about cases certain to come before you.
Alito: I would decline to answer your questions, but you keep interrupting me.
Graham: That's okay, you're optional here. I'm just going to give a long speech about how America and our way of life and freedom and democracy all depend on perpetual detention without charge of anyone the president doesn't like. You can just sleep for the next few minutes.
Alito: But surely --
Graham: -- Freedom and democracy! I will not be out-interrupted by that old biddy Feinstein; I can be far ruder than that old California liberal pansy!
[This rapidly degenerates into the worst sort of thesis defense, in which the questioner asks all kinds of leading questions about obscure things that fascinate him, and the unfortunate interviewee tries to stumble through. Graham actually catchs Alito with a trick question about In Re Quirin, which causes a gasp from all assembled.]
[Really, this is by far the most abusive questioning so far. Graham is clearly trying to bully Alito into committing to particular political views of detention and torture issues, and Alito is flailing around trying to get to safe ground. It is painful to listen to. If anyone here is represented by Sen. Graham, I have to tell you that he is a sick, sadistic bully.]
Alito: Wait. Wait wait wait. We are totally off the track here. I'm going to stop answering questions now.
Graham: How dare you, worm? Besides, I'm not talking to you. "You don't have to listen, I'm talking to other people now." Now I will rant about executive war powers.
Graham: Do you like filibusters?
Alito: They are not mine to like or dislike. I just plain shouldn't answer questions about your rules of order, Senator.
Graham: So, how have you liked this process? Do you enjoy being grilled by Senators?
Alito: Um... I am totally not going to answer that question.
Schumer: I am now going to take every word you wrote in your 1985 job application and dissect it. In fact, I am going to frantically wave a pintout copy of it around like Joe McCarthy on crystal meth.
Alito: That seems reaso --
Schumer: Also, having learned from Feinstein and Graham, I will interrupt every attempt you make to answer with more than a single word.
Schumer: In spite of your previous answers, I believe that you hate abortion rights and precedent.
Alito: In all f --
Schumer: Your words mean nothing to me, worm! See, I have large unreadable posters about Justice Thomas, and the posters speak to me and say, "Pssst, Schumer, don't trust anyone who says they respect precedent! They all lie!" The posters speak to me. They cause me to gesticulate and stammer. I look more like I'm tweaking on meth every minute.
Schumer: You know what, I'm bored of these hearings. Let's play a few rounds of identify-the-quote. I'll make up trick questions about quotes from nominees and politicians, you try to identify the speakers.
Alito: Is this really necess --
Schumer: -- Identify, worm!
Schumer: Look at the things that your fellow judges have said about you in cases where they disagreed with you. They say your ideas were wrong and misapplied the law of the case! Judges would never say such things unless you were really terrible.
Cornyn: I don't believe in abortion or privacy rights. After all, isn't it tru that neither abortion nor privacy appears in the constitution.
Alito: Neither of those words appears, but I cannot help but notice the word "liberty" and the provisions of the fourth amendment.
Cornyn: Sorry, did you say something? Anyway, do you agree that it can sometimes be important to revisit and overturn precedent? Not that I have a precedent in mind or anything.
Alito: Very occasionally that is a regrettable necessity on Constitutional cases, but it isn't something to count on.
Cornyn: You know, of course, that you aren't the deciding vote for Roe v. Wade, so it is okay for you to say that you agree with me.
Alito: Yeah, I was aware that I am allowed to agree with you. Look at how much agreeing I'm doing. Please continue your destructive and crackheaded line of questioning.
Cornyn: Everyone hates the trimester scheme of Roe.
Alito: Including modern abortion jurisprudence. That horse is already dead; do not further beat it.
Cornyn: I give up. You have oursmarted me.
Specter: We will now adjourn, and finish up this round of questioning tomorrow. Alito, thank you for keeping this interesting. You have a good sense of humor.
Leahy: The democratic caucus is prepared to certify this nominee as "funny" if the chairman will make these hearings shorter.
Specter: I'll see what we can do.
And there you have it. I don't have transcript links at the moment, but the hearings are liveblogged at scotusblog if you want to hear what actual experts have to say about them.