What should I say...
I miss hanging out with my brother.
I didn't really do anything today. And I get so lonely sometimes. It's hard not to eat too much junk food on days like that. I guess I just want to comfort myself. You know, just to feel happy with myself, even if I'm it's harder for me to feel happy than for others.
Zak came home early, again, because of the snow. I felt bad because I hadn't accomplished as much around the house as I would have liked to, before he got home, but I felt happy and sort of relieved to see him.
It's like the pressure of entirely taking care of myself is removed. Or maybe just having to think about myself. It's easier for me to feel better when I can focus my attention on another person, and he's always such a comfort to me.
I need to get out and see people more. Josh and Kayla might be coming over tomorrow for board games, and that'd be nice. It seems like I see them more than anyone, other than Zak, these days.
I should probably reach out to people more. I just always feel afraid and get the sense that I'm bothering them...
Oh, and yeah, I've kind of finally accepted that I'm having a depression relapse, and so I'm taking it more seriously. The cold isn't helping much, but it's nice to look out the window and see all the snow.
But yeah, I kind of live in blankets these past few days.
And I'm tired all the time.
I cried a bit today, thinking about my feelings of loneliness, and how it makes my relationship with food so much more of a struggle. I guess food fills that gap. Or it feels like it does, anyway.
My brother is one of the people I'm closest to, even if he's not always the most empathetic. When we're together, we can usually talk for hours, and there's not really any pressure to be doing something in particular, just walking around, maybe having some tea or coffee. It was really nice seeing him on my birthday. It was fun sharing a new experience with him and Zak, too.
I should go have a really hot shower, to forget the feelings I'm having.
Even talking to my counsellor today made me realize how much I just miss having someone to talk to. It was a good session -- I am learning that I don't have to go into the heavier stuff if I don't feel ready to.
I didn't wear makeup today, but I feel like maybe I should have. It makes me feel good, confident, and generally more motivated. I should put some on tomorrow, and dress up a bit nicer. But today I just wanted to wear jeans and be comfy.
It's a bit hard to look in the mirror these days. I haven't stepped on the scale, but...I know how inactive I've been, I know how much birthday cake I've eaten...and I know how long it will take for me to see results anyway, no matter how "good" I am. It's hard to feel like I belong, somehow, in any circle of society when I feel so alien in my own body. I suppose it's one reason I've always sought out escape in fantasy, cartoons, and stuffed animals.
High school was in some ways much worse, though. And I always felt very unattractive. Apparently a couple people had crushes on me, but unfortunately I didn't feel much attraction for them...even more unfortunately, though, was that they weren't great at taking no for an answer.
Why are some people like that? Just because I have low self-esteem, doesn't mean I can't understand what I actually want in a relationship, and know enough to see that they can't offer it, and that we're not compatible. That doesn't even have much to do with physical appearance.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better this evening.
I didn't really do anything today. And I get so lonely sometimes. It's hard not to eat too much junk food on days like that. I guess I just want to comfort myself. You know, just to feel happy with myself, even if I'm it's harder for me to feel happy than for others.
Zak came home early, again, because of the snow. I felt bad because I hadn't accomplished as much around the house as I would have liked to, before he got home, but I felt happy and sort of relieved to see him.
It's like the pressure of entirely taking care of myself is removed. Or maybe just having to think about myself. It's easier for me to feel better when I can focus my attention on another person, and he's always such a comfort to me.
I need to get out and see people more. Josh and Kayla might be coming over tomorrow for board games, and that'd be nice. It seems like I see them more than anyone, other than Zak, these days.
I should probably reach out to people more. I just always feel afraid and get the sense that I'm bothering them...
Oh, and yeah, I've kind of finally accepted that I'm having a depression relapse, and so I'm taking it more seriously. The cold isn't helping much, but it's nice to look out the window and see all the snow.
But yeah, I kind of live in blankets these past few days.
And I'm tired all the time.
I cried a bit today, thinking about my feelings of loneliness, and how it makes my relationship with food so much more of a struggle. I guess food fills that gap. Or it feels like it does, anyway.
My brother is one of the people I'm closest to, even if he's not always the most empathetic. When we're together, we can usually talk for hours, and there's not really any pressure to be doing something in particular, just walking around, maybe having some tea or coffee. It was really nice seeing him on my birthday. It was fun sharing a new experience with him and Zak, too.
I should go have a really hot shower, to forget the feelings I'm having.
Even talking to my counsellor today made me realize how much I just miss having someone to talk to. It was a good session -- I am learning that I don't have to go into the heavier stuff if I don't feel ready to.
I didn't wear makeup today, but I feel like maybe I should have. It makes me feel good, confident, and generally more motivated. I should put some on tomorrow, and dress up a bit nicer. But today I just wanted to wear jeans and be comfy.
It's a bit hard to look in the mirror these days. I haven't stepped on the scale, but...I know how inactive I've been, I know how much birthday cake I've eaten...and I know how long it will take for me to see results anyway, no matter how "good" I am. It's hard to feel like I belong, somehow, in any circle of society when I feel so alien in my own body. I suppose it's one reason I've always sought out escape in fantasy, cartoons, and stuffed animals.
High school was in some ways much worse, though. And I always felt very unattractive. Apparently a couple people had crushes on me, but unfortunately I didn't feel much attraction for them...even more unfortunately, though, was that they weren't great at taking no for an answer.
Why are some people like that? Just because I have low self-esteem, doesn't mean I can't understand what I actually want in a relationship, and know enough to see that they can't offer it, and that we're not compatible. That doesn't even have much to do with physical appearance.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit better this evening.