Blah...
I had a rough sleep last night. More intrusive thoughts. It was some pretty upsetting stuff, stuff I had forgotten about from childhood that kept coming back to me.
I'm always so afraid of being abandoned and hurt, even to this day. I don't know why.
I think Zak left early this morning...but I'm not sure, I was so tired I was barely awake when he left, and then I think I fell back asleep. I didn't wake up until almost 9:30.
I miss him.
I've also been kind of falling behind on French, so I need to catch up today.
I want to spend more time writing. Like, fiction and stuff. I've been having a bit of a block. Not even a writer's block, but like...an emotional block. Maybe I should read that book that my counselor recommended to me...but I almost feel like I need to come at it as though from a place of complete ignorance and freedom...
I don't know why I've been feeling this way. All weird, and sort out of place. Out of my place. I'm kind of just floating around through the days. It's so hard to motivate myself to go outside, because I just want to be in a place where no one will judge me. Pursuing my hobbies and interests and passions...
I've been such a slob lately.
But, I recently bought a bunch of new clothes. Maybe it was technically unnecessary, but now I sort of feel like...I have the image of myself, of who I wanted to be since I was about 13, figured out. You know, except for the weight thing and the hair thing. But losing weight and growing hair is a gradual process, and I know it will take about a year for me to get to where I want to be as far as that goes, and I just have to be patient and persistent.
Oh my gosh, my wrist just made a loud "crack." People have told me I type too loud and vigorously...could I actually hurt myself by doing it?
Weird...
I am hoping I'll have a better day today.
I'm always so afraid of being abandoned and hurt, even to this day. I don't know why.
I think Zak left early this morning...but I'm not sure, I was so tired I was barely awake when he left, and then I think I fell back asleep. I didn't wake up until almost 9:30.
I miss him.
I've also been kind of falling behind on French, so I need to catch up today.
I want to spend more time writing. Like, fiction and stuff. I've been having a bit of a block. Not even a writer's block, but like...an emotional block. Maybe I should read that book that my counselor recommended to me...but I almost feel like I need to come at it as though from a place of complete ignorance and freedom...
I don't know why I've been feeling this way. All weird, and sort out of place. Out of my place. I'm kind of just floating around through the days. It's so hard to motivate myself to go outside, because I just want to be in a place where no one will judge me. Pursuing my hobbies and interests and passions...
I've been such a slob lately.
But, I recently bought a bunch of new clothes. Maybe it was technically unnecessary, but now I sort of feel like...I have the image of myself, of who I wanted to be since I was about 13, figured out. You know, except for the weight thing and the hair thing. But losing weight and growing hair is a gradual process, and I know it will take about a year for me to get to where I want to be as far as that goes, and I just have to be patient and persistent.
Oh my gosh, my wrist just made a loud "crack." People have told me I type too loud and vigorously...could I actually hurt myself by doing it?
Weird...
I am hoping I'll have a better day today.