Life and other things to regret
Friends
the last 2 years or so have been the most intense of my life. Of course as many of you know already I have been rather sick, psychiatrically but that, although contributing is not the only thing going on.
For just a bit over 2 years I have been in a very complex and intense relationship. Certainly there has been nobody else I have had more in common with than I have with Lily. Together we have had some of the best times I have had in my life. She made me happier than any one else ever has. I would even hazard to say that I have loved her more than I loved anyone, certainly more than I thought I was these days capable of loving.
This has had a flipside, with in the last 2 years I have also been sadder, more depressed and more broken hearted at times than at any other time in my life. We have fought like wild animals and Lilyn has hurt me with words at times more than I have ever been hurt by even a friend. When we fought I did things that I immediately regretted or in some cases learned to regret soon after. Some things I will probably regret the rest of my life.
At times I have acted like a monster, and although it seemed sometimes that my actions were justified at that moment, on later reflection I realised that what I did was never justifiable, never acceptble. For a long time now my strongest emotion has been self hate.
It has been the best of times and the worst of times. Now it is over.
Tomorrow I will be picking up my caravan from the caravan storage place. I am going to the desert. Maybe there I will find a reason to live, a way to keep living. Maybe I can find the part of me that is not a monter and live again.
I will see you all if I come back
Lily, when you read this, if you do, I am sorry my love, so sorry. No matter what you feel about me know I will love you forever. Puno te volim grlica.
the last 2 years or so have been the most intense of my life. Of course as many of you know already I have been rather sick, psychiatrically but that, although contributing is not the only thing going on.
For just a bit over 2 years I have been in a very complex and intense relationship. Certainly there has been nobody else I have had more in common with than I have with Lily. Together we have had some of the best times I have had in my life. She made me happier than any one else ever has. I would even hazard to say that I have loved her more than I loved anyone, certainly more than I thought I was these days capable of loving.
This has had a flipside, with in the last 2 years I have also been sadder, more depressed and more broken hearted at times than at any other time in my life. We have fought like wild animals and Lilyn has hurt me with words at times more than I have ever been hurt by even a friend. When we fought I did things that I immediately regretted or in some cases learned to regret soon after. Some things I will probably regret the rest of my life.
At times I have acted like a monster, and although it seemed sometimes that my actions were justified at that moment, on later reflection I realised that what I did was never justifiable, never acceptble. For a long time now my strongest emotion has been self hate.
It has been the best of times and the worst of times. Now it is over.
Tomorrow I will be picking up my caravan from the caravan storage place. I am going to the desert. Maybe there I will find a reason to live, a way to keep living. Maybe I can find the part of me that is not a monter and live again.
I will see you all if I come back
Lily, when you read this, if you do, I am sorry my love, so sorry. No matter what you feel about me know I will love you forever. Puno te volim grlica.