Gone
[Title] Gone
[Pairing] Leeteuk x Heechul
[Rating] PG-13
[Author's Note] I wrote this for the SJFH oneshot contest. We were all PMed a random word from Suju's second album (I assumed it was just from their second, anyway), and I got the word "Gone." I was so happy that I got such a good word because "Gone" implies exactly the things I enjoy writing. Sadly, I didn't win. But, I like it anyway :) Enjoy!
We had always been friends, you and I. Ever since we were kids running around on the playground, racing each other to the swings and building sand castles together, we’d always been together. We went through elementary school together, learning to hate math and love dodge ball, finding out that girls had cooties, and that boys and girls would kiss when they got older. We used to walk home from school together. Remember, Lee Teuk? Remember how your house was two down from mine on that nice street we lived on? And we would always race from the corner of the street to see who could make it to your front door first. I would let you win sometimes because I thought that was what friends did: they let the other win even though they themselves were better at whatever it was. You always knew I was the faster runner, but we raced anyway. Your face was so sweet when you would suggest it, and there were times you were so cute, I wanted to pinch you. Sometimes it was hard, though. I remember when the kids would tease you because you were so short and wore those nerdy glasses with the huge black frames. I would never say it then, but sometimes, when I was comforting you because of their harsh words, I was secretly laughing, too. Really, you can’t deny that you looked pretty dorky in them.
Then we made it to middle school, that difficult stage where hormones hit and we started getting acne and that awful interest in girls we’d dreaded so much in elementary school. Do you remember when we got the class schedules for our first year, and we were so excited but also upset that we only had three of our seven classes together? You were so afraid that the kids would continue to pick on you, to tease you, to make fun of you, and you wanted your Hee Chul-ah there to tell everyone to back off because I was so much braver than you when it came to speaking out against people. And I always had your back, Hyung, I always had your back. No one ever said anything bad about you when I was around because they came to learn that I’d kick their asses if they did. I loved you so much, you were my best friend, and I couldn’t stand to hear a single bad thing about you. I never understood why they‘d talk, though. You were so sweet and innocent and positive. Even when you were crying on my shoulder, you would be asking, “How long until they accept me, Hee Chul-ah? They will accept me, right? Because I’m Lee Teuk! Who can’t accept me? They’ll love me like you do, one day. You’ll see.” You were such an amazing person, hyung. You didn’t need me to fight your battles for you. With how amazing you were, they were fought perfectly on your own.
And then we made it to high school. We were the bottom of the food chain, the lowest of the low, the rabbits in the animal kingdom of high school, prey to the lions and tigers that were the upperclassmen, and we were intimidated by the schedules and the breaks and lunches and how huge the campus was! I remember when you looked at me with that nervous look on your face, clutching my arm and stuttering out, “H-how are w-we ever going to f-find our classes, Chul-ah? S-surely we’ll get lost...” And I just laughed because, even though I was kind of afraid, too, I was your stronger half, your moral support, the one to guide you through the rough parts when the going got tough. So I laughed and dragged you up the stairs despite your protests that you were sick and going to throw up and that maybe we could try again tomorrow. And it wasn’t so bad, was it, hyung? Even though we only had one morning class and our last two classes together, it was fine. And you were fine. You got along fine without me, even made some new friends - though I was always your best friend, the first to know anything and everything about your life. I was even the first to find out about the girl you were interested in. Yoon Jin was her name, and she was just as cute as you were. You used to point her out in the hallways to me, your face turning a bright shade of red and your speech coming to an abrupt halt until she was well out of eyesight. I remember her, hyung. How could I ever forget?
What I did that summer before we started senior year was stupid, hyung, and I know that now. I never meant to sacrifice what we had because when I said I loved you, I meant it. You didn’t know it then, but I wasn’t your stronger half, you were mine. You were the missing piece of my soul. I loved you like a boy loves a girl in all those romance movies we watched, and for the first three years of high school I had to watch you fall in love with someone else. You didn’t understand that every time you talked about approaching her and telling her you were interested, you killed me inside. My heart ached at the thought of you loving another person. How on Earth could you not feel my love? How could you not know that I used to dream about kissing you, and holding you, and touching your hair and kissing your eyelids when you slept? I used to cry all the time when you weren’t around, feeling my heart break into a million pieces.
I could never hate you, because I loved you so much, but I didn’t want you to think about her anymore. I wanted you to think about me. But could I do things the easy way? No. I couldn’t just tell you I loved you and see how that worked out, because that was too easy, and nothing is easy when it’s done the Hee Chul way.
I’ll tell you now that it hurt so much to see the look on your face when I told you. To see the light in your eyes die, to see the pain I’d inflicted, the betrayal, the denial, all reflected in the broken depths of your eyes. Because of that stupid mistake, you stopped talking to me, stopped doing everything with me. You wouldn’t answer your phone when I called, you sat on the opposite side of the room in the few classes we had together, and every time I saw you, your eyes were red and bloodshot, and I died a little more inside every time I saw you. How could I have done that? I would never get to hold your hand and feel you land small kisses on my face.
I tried to fix our relationship a few months into the school year. I wanted you back. No, I needed you back. I never realized that I got all my strength from you, that I only had my smile and happiness because you had been a constant presence in my life, giving me a bit of your positive energy every time we were together. Since you’d stopped talking to me, my future looked bleak and miserable, full of loneliness and heartbreak. I could only ever imagine my life if it was with you, and I wanted the light that had been so bright in my life to shine again, to make me be my old self again. I loved you, and I wanted you back.
But there was nothing I could do to bring you back to me. I tried talking to you, but you wouldn’t even look at me. I tried calling, but you still wouldn’t answer. Nothing I did worked. Nothing.
Until that night. I saw you walking outside my house in the middle of the night, alone, looking around, and I knew that this was my chance, my opportunity to finally tell you everything. I remember running down the stairs, taking them three at a time, and bursting out my front door to see you. It was cold, but I didn’t feel anything but the overwhelming need to see you. You, hyung, you. It was always you on my mind, and I ran outside to tell you that.
The way you looked at me when I got close was enough to frighten Death away. Your eyes were so cold and distant, so amazingly cut off from the rest of the world, but I didn’t care, I just needed to tell you, and the second I got to you, I did.
“Teukie, I needed to talk to you. Listen, hyung, I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for dating Yoon Jin and betraying you. That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t love her, I was just jealous that you had eyes for someone else. I love you Lee Teuk, I always have. I’ve known for years and years, Teukie, you’re the one I need, the one I love. You’re everything to me, and living without you these last six months have been hell on both of us. I can see it, hyung, you’re hurting more than I am, and I’m so sorry. I should have told you sooner, I shouldn’t have dated her, I shouldn’t have done any of that, because all it did was push you away, and I hate myself for that. I love you, Lee Teuk. I love you with everything I am. Nothing is the same without you. I love you. I can’t say it enough, Teukie. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you so damn much, I can hardly contain it. Please, please tell me I didn’t completely kill what we had, because all I need in life is you. I love you.”
You held me in your arms at that point, and it was the best thing I could have asked for. But I think that, had I been listening, I would have heard the sound of cloth sliding over metal, and maybe I would have been a little more aware, but I wasn’t. Instead, I reveled in the fact that finally I was in the arms of the one I love, and in a few moments, you had lifted my chin and pressed your lips to mine, and I’m sure you could taste the saltiness of my tears, but that didn’t stop you. For several moments, our mouths were connected and I was filled the sensation that everything was going to be alright, that we would be okay and that you would forgive me. You pulled away just a little from the kiss, just enough so I couldn’t see your eyes properly, and whispered against my lips, “I always loved you, too, Hee Chul-ah, but things change, and now it’s your turn to know what it’s like to die.”
And I felt it. The point of a blade against the back of my neck, and I froze in terror. You finally looked at me, your eyes boring into mine, and said, “Yoon Jin was first. Since you guys were so close, you can tell her I said hello when you get to Hell.”
And it happened. The knife slid into my throat, breaking through the bones until the blade jutted out the front of my neck, and the last thing I heard was your voice telling me you loved me.
I still love you, Lee Teuk, I always will, but now we’ll never get the chance to work things out because I’m gone and you’re sitting in a jail cell waiting to die. I’m gone, Lee Teuk, and it’s your fault.
[Pairing] Leeteuk x Heechul
[Rating] PG-13
[Author's Note] I wrote this for the SJFH oneshot contest. We were all PMed a random word from Suju's second album (I assumed it was just from their second, anyway), and I got the word "Gone." I was so happy that I got such a good word because "Gone" implies exactly the things I enjoy writing. Sadly, I didn't win. But, I like it anyway :) Enjoy!
We had always been friends, you and I. Ever since we were kids running around on the playground, racing each other to the swings and building sand castles together, we’d always been together. We went through elementary school together, learning to hate math and love dodge ball, finding out that girls had cooties, and that boys and girls would kiss when they got older. We used to walk home from school together. Remember, Lee Teuk? Remember how your house was two down from mine on that nice street we lived on? And we would always race from the corner of the street to see who could make it to your front door first. I would let you win sometimes because I thought that was what friends did: they let the other win even though they themselves were better at whatever it was. You always knew I was the faster runner, but we raced anyway. Your face was so sweet when you would suggest it, and there were times you were so cute, I wanted to pinch you. Sometimes it was hard, though. I remember when the kids would tease you because you were so short and wore those nerdy glasses with the huge black frames. I would never say it then, but sometimes, when I was comforting you because of their harsh words, I was secretly laughing, too. Really, you can’t deny that you looked pretty dorky in them.
Then we made it to middle school, that difficult stage where hormones hit and we started getting acne and that awful interest in girls we’d dreaded so much in elementary school. Do you remember when we got the class schedules for our first year, and we were so excited but also upset that we only had three of our seven classes together? You were so afraid that the kids would continue to pick on you, to tease you, to make fun of you, and you wanted your Hee Chul-ah there to tell everyone to back off because I was so much braver than you when it came to speaking out against people. And I always had your back, Hyung, I always had your back. No one ever said anything bad about you when I was around because they came to learn that I’d kick their asses if they did. I loved you so much, you were my best friend, and I couldn’t stand to hear a single bad thing about you. I never understood why they‘d talk, though. You were so sweet and innocent and positive. Even when you were crying on my shoulder, you would be asking, “How long until they accept me, Hee Chul-ah? They will accept me, right? Because I’m Lee Teuk! Who can’t accept me? They’ll love me like you do, one day. You’ll see.” You were such an amazing person, hyung. You didn’t need me to fight your battles for you. With how amazing you were, they were fought perfectly on your own.
And then we made it to high school. We were the bottom of the food chain, the lowest of the low, the rabbits in the animal kingdom of high school, prey to the lions and tigers that were the upperclassmen, and we were intimidated by the schedules and the breaks and lunches and how huge the campus was! I remember when you looked at me with that nervous look on your face, clutching my arm and stuttering out, “H-how are w-we ever going to f-find our classes, Chul-ah? S-surely we’ll get lost...” And I just laughed because, even though I was kind of afraid, too, I was your stronger half, your moral support, the one to guide you through the rough parts when the going got tough. So I laughed and dragged you up the stairs despite your protests that you were sick and going to throw up and that maybe we could try again tomorrow. And it wasn’t so bad, was it, hyung? Even though we only had one morning class and our last two classes together, it was fine. And you were fine. You got along fine without me, even made some new friends - though I was always your best friend, the first to know anything and everything about your life. I was even the first to find out about the girl you were interested in. Yoon Jin was her name, and she was just as cute as you were. You used to point her out in the hallways to me, your face turning a bright shade of red and your speech coming to an abrupt halt until she was well out of eyesight. I remember her, hyung. How could I ever forget?
What I did that summer before we started senior year was stupid, hyung, and I know that now. I never meant to sacrifice what we had because when I said I loved you, I meant it. You didn’t know it then, but I wasn’t your stronger half, you were mine. You were the missing piece of my soul. I loved you like a boy loves a girl in all those romance movies we watched, and for the first three years of high school I had to watch you fall in love with someone else. You didn’t understand that every time you talked about approaching her and telling her you were interested, you killed me inside. My heart ached at the thought of you loving another person. How on Earth could you not feel my love? How could you not know that I used to dream about kissing you, and holding you, and touching your hair and kissing your eyelids when you slept? I used to cry all the time when you weren’t around, feeling my heart break into a million pieces.
I could never hate you, because I loved you so much, but I didn’t want you to think about her anymore. I wanted you to think about me. But could I do things the easy way? No. I couldn’t just tell you I loved you and see how that worked out, because that was too easy, and nothing is easy when it’s done the Hee Chul way.
I’ll tell you now that it hurt so much to see the look on your face when I told you. To see the light in your eyes die, to see the pain I’d inflicted, the betrayal, the denial, all reflected in the broken depths of your eyes. Because of that stupid mistake, you stopped talking to me, stopped doing everything with me. You wouldn’t answer your phone when I called, you sat on the opposite side of the room in the few classes we had together, and every time I saw you, your eyes were red and bloodshot, and I died a little more inside every time I saw you. How could I have done that? I would never get to hold your hand and feel you land small kisses on my face.
I tried to fix our relationship a few months into the school year. I wanted you back. No, I needed you back. I never realized that I got all my strength from you, that I only had my smile and happiness because you had been a constant presence in my life, giving me a bit of your positive energy every time we were together. Since you’d stopped talking to me, my future looked bleak and miserable, full of loneliness and heartbreak. I could only ever imagine my life if it was with you, and I wanted the light that had been so bright in my life to shine again, to make me be my old self again. I loved you, and I wanted you back.
But there was nothing I could do to bring you back to me. I tried talking to you, but you wouldn’t even look at me. I tried calling, but you still wouldn’t answer. Nothing I did worked. Nothing.
Until that night. I saw you walking outside my house in the middle of the night, alone, looking around, and I knew that this was my chance, my opportunity to finally tell you everything. I remember running down the stairs, taking them three at a time, and bursting out my front door to see you. It was cold, but I didn’t feel anything but the overwhelming need to see you. You, hyung, you. It was always you on my mind, and I ran outside to tell you that.
The way you looked at me when I got close was enough to frighten Death away. Your eyes were so cold and distant, so amazingly cut off from the rest of the world, but I didn’t care, I just needed to tell you, and the second I got to you, I did.
“Teukie, I needed to talk to you. Listen, hyung, I’m sorry for what I did. I’m sorry for dating Yoon Jin and betraying you. That was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t love her, I was just jealous that you had eyes for someone else. I love you Lee Teuk, I always have. I’ve known for years and years, Teukie, you’re the one I need, the one I love. You’re everything to me, and living without you these last six months have been hell on both of us. I can see it, hyung, you’re hurting more than I am, and I’m so sorry. I should have told you sooner, I shouldn’t have dated her, I shouldn’t have done any of that, because all it did was push you away, and I hate myself for that. I love you, Lee Teuk. I love you with everything I am. Nothing is the same without you. I love you. I can’t say it enough, Teukie. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you so damn much, I can hardly contain it. Please, please tell me I didn’t completely kill what we had, because all I need in life is you. I love you.”
You held me in your arms at that point, and it was the best thing I could have asked for. But I think that, had I been listening, I would have heard the sound of cloth sliding over metal, and maybe I would have been a little more aware, but I wasn’t. Instead, I reveled in the fact that finally I was in the arms of the one I love, and in a few moments, you had lifted my chin and pressed your lips to mine, and I’m sure you could taste the saltiness of my tears, but that didn’t stop you. For several moments, our mouths were connected and I was filled the sensation that everything was going to be alright, that we would be okay and that you would forgive me. You pulled away just a little from the kiss, just enough so I couldn’t see your eyes properly, and whispered against my lips, “I always loved you, too, Hee Chul-ah, but things change, and now it’s your turn to know what it’s like to die.”
And I felt it. The point of a blade against the back of my neck, and I froze in terror. You finally looked at me, your eyes boring into mine, and said, “Yoon Jin was first. Since you guys were so close, you can tell her I said hello when you get to Hell.”
And it happened. The knife slid into my throat, breaking through the bones until the blade jutted out the front of my neck, and the last thing I heard was your voice telling me you loved me.
I still love you, Lee Teuk, I always will, but now we’ll never get the chance to work things out because I’m gone and you’re sitting in a jail cell waiting to die. I’m gone, Lee Teuk, and it’s your fault.