relay this
look, i'm not asking for much. just a little consistency.
i hate this. i hate how stupid i was to let myself get involved with absolutely no sign of commitment. i hate how i know i needed him even if it was wrong. i hate how i still miss him. i hate how i'm losing him more and more as time goes on and he doesn't seem to notice.
when we were together, i could talk to him about anything. because we talked all the time. i knew when he was worried and sad and proud. now i have to beg him to tell me what shift he works. stupid asshole. if i ask him what he's doing tomorrow, he says "i'm busy". it's as if he thinks i'm asking him to spend time with me. he gets so defensive and i hate it. i really just want to know what's happening in his life... because if i don't ask then i might stop being a part of it.
his family thinks i'm crazy. i think they believe that i'm obsessed with him. like i'm a stalker and he doesn't feel for me as i do for him but i keep following him. but it's not like that.... i mean, no, he doesn't love me anymore... but we still talk all the time... sorta. i'm not crazy. i don't want them to hate me. i really like them all. i dont want them to hate me. it really upsets me.
i'm sick of him. i'm tired of the distance and the excuses. i'd do anything for him. to be with him. a chance to see him. i'm happy when we're together. we enjoy one another's company. but it doesn't matter now. he's "too busy" for me. bullshit. i'm just not worth the time to him. and i'm tired of pouring my heart and soul out to him and getting nothing in return.
he told me that he felt he was a bad boyfriend. which is absolutely retarted, because of all the times he's hurt me and let me down... hardly any of them were during our relationship. it was like.. i mattered. i counted. i was worth the extra drive, the hour less of nap time. i know he still flirted and he didn't always have time for me.. but he used to love me.
when i see those girls climbing all over him and me only a few feet away but he holds them and smiles and doesn't even glance at me... i feel as if i've wasted all this time with him. did it mean nothing?
he tells me that we'll stay friends, that he always wants us to be friends. but i don't believe it. i don't think i'm different in his mind from the others. i don't think i'm worth effort to him. i want to keep in touch, but if we're both at college and i ask him what his schedule entails and he tells me he's busy, i'll give up.
im already giving up. we've reached the breaking point. it's like we broke up again only i didnt trust him this time and i didn't think that i mattered to him. he thought it was better... friends with benefits.. he couldn't possibly let me down. but i feel cheap and used and jaded. and he has done this. if i could tell him without him regretting all of it, i would.....
3am... time for me to go to bed. this is ridiculous.
i fucking hate this.
i hate this. i hate how stupid i was to let myself get involved with absolutely no sign of commitment. i hate how i know i needed him even if it was wrong. i hate how i still miss him. i hate how i'm losing him more and more as time goes on and he doesn't seem to notice.
when we were together, i could talk to him about anything. because we talked all the time. i knew when he was worried and sad and proud. now i have to beg him to tell me what shift he works. stupid asshole. if i ask him what he's doing tomorrow, he says "i'm busy". it's as if he thinks i'm asking him to spend time with me. he gets so defensive and i hate it. i really just want to know what's happening in his life... because if i don't ask then i might stop being a part of it.
his family thinks i'm crazy. i think they believe that i'm obsessed with him. like i'm a stalker and he doesn't feel for me as i do for him but i keep following him. but it's not like that.... i mean, no, he doesn't love me anymore... but we still talk all the time... sorta. i'm not crazy. i don't want them to hate me. i really like them all. i dont want them to hate me. it really upsets me.
i'm sick of him. i'm tired of the distance and the excuses. i'd do anything for him. to be with him. a chance to see him. i'm happy when we're together. we enjoy one another's company. but it doesn't matter now. he's "too busy" for me. bullshit. i'm just not worth the time to him. and i'm tired of pouring my heart and soul out to him and getting nothing in return.
he told me that he felt he was a bad boyfriend. which is absolutely retarted, because of all the times he's hurt me and let me down... hardly any of them were during our relationship. it was like.. i mattered. i counted. i was worth the extra drive, the hour less of nap time. i know he still flirted and he didn't always have time for me.. but he used to love me.
when i see those girls climbing all over him and me only a few feet away but he holds them and smiles and doesn't even glance at me... i feel as if i've wasted all this time with him. did it mean nothing?
he tells me that we'll stay friends, that he always wants us to be friends. but i don't believe it. i don't think i'm different in his mind from the others. i don't think i'm worth effort to him. i want to keep in touch, but if we're both at college and i ask him what his schedule entails and he tells me he's busy, i'll give up.
im already giving up. we've reached the breaking point. it's like we broke up again only i didnt trust him this time and i didn't think that i mattered to him. he thought it was better... friends with benefits.. he couldn't possibly let me down. but i feel cheap and used and jaded. and he has done this. if i could tell him without him regretting all of it, i would.....
3am... time for me to go to bed. this is ridiculous.
i fucking hate this.