it's not too much to ask
this is almost the color of my prom dress. ^-^
only not "^-^" because i'm extremely nervous about prom. first, i want to look beautiful for thomas that night... and i don't really have a hairstyle picked out yet and i feel fat and we haven't really talked much about how things are going to be. and unfortunately i'm still extremely attached to him, so i'm afraid the night will mean more to me than it means to him. i'm excited to spend that time with him, but scared. i mean, we haven't really been together in public in a long time. the cast party was the closest we came to that. and i don't know how he feels about me anymore... i mean, i know how he feels, sorta, but i don't know how he feels about feeling that way. you know? like... grrr.
at the cast party, even though i somehow managed to lead jacob on despite my best intentions, i enjoyed myself. i was all upset and worried and confused and i made thomas talk to me. we went upstairs where we could be alone and sat in kyle's office. and talked. he got me to laugh. i was so happy. i sat on the floor at his feet while we talked. i'm afraid that jacob will think that i was only playing games with him when he realizes that i'm still in love with thomas... but he didn't ask. he asked if we were together, and we're not. that isn't because i don't want to be with thomas, its because i'm just not. and he asked me how i felt about him(jacob), but i told him i didn't know. and how could i know when i don't know him?
the thing is, thomas has been my summer love. and summer is approaching. so does that mean he'll be with me agian? i've been wondering for quite some time. i want him to love me. i want to be his. i want to be together and do things together, hang out, see the fairs and fireworks and go to icon together... but i'm afraid that he's afraid to do that.
and you know what else?!! thomas is probably rooming with kimberly in an apartment at oakland next year. *sigh* how ridiculous would that be?! if i ever went to see kimberly, he'd be there. so much for huge seperation, right? nothing is going the way i expected. i used to think that when high school was over we'd be miles and miles apart and in completely seperate worlds, with nothing to keep us in touch besides bare will. but now.. he's definately gonna have a place in my life. if he lives with me sister will it be harder to get him off my mind? but even so, i want him to live with her. she needs roomates, so does he. and its not like i'll see him. i wont have a car next year. and he wont have time. neither will i. so i shouldn't worry, right?
okay... well, i'm gonna stop writing and post this now, despite the fact that visnaw advised against it.