I'm just a bad song on your mixed tape.
Have you ever put yourself outside of yourself? Watching life instead of watching your own. It makes you value life a little more, and at the same time hate existence. It's scary to think that one day you could be or have been the person that someone else is observing.
Sometimes I think I might be schizophrenic. Or maybe my brain is still trying to figure itself out. Maybe I feel the way everyone else feels, I just don't know it because I don't express it, and no one else does.
I'm mastering the art of ignoring things I don't like, and make me upset. However I can't decide if I like the empty feeling I have right now better then the sad feeling.
I think about the weirdest things when I space out sometimes. Today I thought about how my life would change if certain people died. I.E my mom, dad, sister, and close friends. Please don't be offended when I say this but my life would only change if my family died. When i'm upset, my mom is the only person that can take it all away and make me completely forget about what happened. No one else can. They can distract me from it, but I never truley smile until it's gone. If my dad were to die, it would probably take but at the same time put a lot of stress on me. He may be drunk or high whenever I see him, but I couldn't imagine him not being there at all. If my sister were to die, my mom and dad would both go in to a deep depression which in turn would make me.
It's fucked up how people affect each others lives so much. If someone were to just suddenly not exist, would I feel it? Maybe that's the empty feeling people have sometimes. Maybe historys being rewritten over and over. Maybe everyone lives the same life on repeat untill they get everything they were meant to do write. Or maybe god's just lacking in the imagination department. Maybe he just needs a new muse.
It's rediculous to think i'm the girl that I hate. If I were my own best friend, I would hate me. I'm the one that is always telling everyone else, if it doesn't feel right, then it isnt right. However if it feels right, then it is. Somethings feel right at the time. Sometimes they always feel right, but they only feel right to you. That's the one that kills me. Maybe i'm just fighting myself on this one.
I no longer believe in shooting stars. How are you supposed to make a wish on a shooting star? It's broken, that's why it's falling. It's no longer a star really. It's like trying to put flowers in to a vase thats been broken. You can't hold substance in something that is broken. Which means I cant feel love, because my hearts already been broken. Everytime I think I feel love, and i'm positive I feel love, it breaks, because its been broken before. Thats why the highschool, first love sweethearts, that get married, stay married forever. That's why when you see two old people holding each others hand, they're in it forever. Their love never broke.
Some people might try and tell me that maybe i've just never felt love. But how do you really explain love? It's a feeling that's indescribable. Maybe thats how you describe it.
Music seems to be my getaway from everything. And it's the only thing that I can say has always been there for me. We've had our fair share of fights, but in the end it always comes back. I can listen to it no matter what mood i'm in and that's the beautiful thing about it. Few times have I completely shut off the radio/whatevers playing. Those are only the times that the music playing makes me sad, and theres no other choice but to go in silence. Usually I have to be extreamly upset for that to even happen. And the chances of it being wheres theres absolutly nothing on the radio or in my cd collection, that can put me in a better mood, is slim to none.
I wish I had some sort of a time machine. It'd be nice to be able to move forward in my life. Adults always tell their kids not to wish to grow up to fast because it's the best years of your life. Maybe their kids are spoiled and have everything already handed to them. Maybe they're smart and don't have to worry about grades, college, or finding jobs and supporting themselves. I think it's a load of BS though. Growing up was good till I hit 5. It was all down hill from there. I'm just now trying to slpwly climb back up the hill. However asthma is putting a few breaks in it.
It'd be nice to be 35. Have a family and maybe a cat or dog. A house with a good lawn and fence. A 7th heaven type deal. Except without so many kids.
It's 5, i'm rambling about god knows what, and I doubt anyones even read this far, but I feel better.
I have to work at 11. For a whole 3 hours, then I do nothing till Jon comes in to town.
Goodnight.
Sometimes I think I might be schizophrenic. Or maybe my brain is still trying to figure itself out. Maybe I feel the way everyone else feels, I just don't know it because I don't express it, and no one else does.
I'm mastering the art of ignoring things I don't like, and make me upset. However I can't decide if I like the empty feeling I have right now better then the sad feeling.
I think about the weirdest things when I space out sometimes. Today I thought about how my life would change if certain people died. I.E my mom, dad, sister, and close friends. Please don't be offended when I say this but my life would only change if my family died. When i'm upset, my mom is the only person that can take it all away and make me completely forget about what happened. No one else can. They can distract me from it, but I never truley smile until it's gone. If my dad were to die, it would probably take but at the same time put a lot of stress on me. He may be drunk or high whenever I see him, but I couldn't imagine him not being there at all. If my sister were to die, my mom and dad would both go in to a deep depression which in turn would make me.
It's fucked up how people affect each others lives so much. If someone were to just suddenly not exist, would I feel it? Maybe that's the empty feeling people have sometimes. Maybe historys being rewritten over and over. Maybe everyone lives the same life on repeat untill they get everything they were meant to do write. Or maybe god's just lacking in the imagination department. Maybe he just needs a new muse.
It's rediculous to think i'm the girl that I hate. If I were my own best friend, I would hate me. I'm the one that is always telling everyone else, if it doesn't feel right, then it isnt right. However if it feels right, then it is. Somethings feel right at the time. Sometimes they always feel right, but they only feel right to you. That's the one that kills me. Maybe i'm just fighting myself on this one.
I no longer believe in shooting stars. How are you supposed to make a wish on a shooting star? It's broken, that's why it's falling. It's no longer a star really. It's like trying to put flowers in to a vase thats been broken. You can't hold substance in something that is broken. Which means I cant feel love, because my hearts already been broken. Everytime I think I feel love, and i'm positive I feel love, it breaks, because its been broken before. Thats why the highschool, first love sweethearts, that get married, stay married forever. That's why when you see two old people holding each others hand, they're in it forever. Their love never broke.
Some people might try and tell me that maybe i've just never felt love. But how do you really explain love? It's a feeling that's indescribable. Maybe thats how you describe it.
Music seems to be my getaway from everything. And it's the only thing that I can say has always been there for me. We've had our fair share of fights, but in the end it always comes back. I can listen to it no matter what mood i'm in and that's the beautiful thing about it. Few times have I completely shut off the radio/whatevers playing. Those are only the times that the music playing makes me sad, and theres no other choice but to go in silence. Usually I have to be extreamly upset for that to even happen. And the chances of it being wheres theres absolutly nothing on the radio or in my cd collection, that can put me in a better mood, is slim to none.
I wish I had some sort of a time machine. It'd be nice to be able to move forward in my life. Adults always tell their kids not to wish to grow up to fast because it's the best years of your life. Maybe their kids are spoiled and have everything already handed to them. Maybe they're smart and don't have to worry about grades, college, or finding jobs and supporting themselves. I think it's a load of BS though. Growing up was good till I hit 5. It was all down hill from there. I'm just now trying to slpwly climb back up the hill. However asthma is putting a few breaks in it.
It'd be nice to be 35. Have a family and maybe a cat or dog. A house with a good lawn and fence. A 7th heaven type deal. Except without so many kids.
It's 5, i'm rambling about god knows what, and I doubt anyones even read this far, but I feel better.
I have to work at 11. For a whole 3 hours, then I do nothing till Jon comes in to town.
Goodnight.