(no subject)
i'm pretty tired of waking up sad.
last week in particular i felt my brain actively resisting this reality where my mom was dead. it was specifically memories of her, or ideas of what would she think of this, or oh i should tell my mom, or oh i wonder if she'd like this. this constant pull of my thoughts or memories searching for words just out of reach. where you start to see time as this fake thing where our faces are shoved down on the concrete by some big bully and faced in one direction, even tho we know that if they just lifted their boot we could turn around.
it happened so many times a day again, i found myself choking up or silently crying under my covid mask walking back from the gym, picking up dubu's poop. while typing on various online chats not talking about what im thinking about.
if your body is convinced you're living in an illusion it just feels like why bother, right?
im doing better overall. slowly getting used to this stressful homework barely job. getting used to this workout routine and enjoying it. struggling with a middle ground of booze and food. connecting haphazardly and failing to with various girls who sometimes sleep over.
i guess i should find someone who sleeps over regularly enough to be like hey, am i grinding my teeth? should i get that looked at? should i give up? and just watch my teeth crumble to dust and blow away?
last week in particular i felt my brain actively resisting this reality where my mom was dead. it was specifically memories of her, or ideas of what would she think of this, or oh i should tell my mom, or oh i wonder if she'd like this. this constant pull of my thoughts or memories searching for words just out of reach. where you start to see time as this fake thing where our faces are shoved down on the concrete by some big bully and faced in one direction, even tho we know that if they just lifted their boot we could turn around.
it happened so many times a day again, i found myself choking up or silently crying under my covid mask walking back from the gym, picking up dubu's poop. while typing on various online chats not talking about what im thinking about.
if your body is convinced you're living in an illusion it just feels like why bother, right?
im doing better overall. slowly getting used to this stressful homework barely job. getting used to this workout routine and enjoying it. struggling with a middle ground of booze and food. connecting haphazardly and failing to with various girls who sometimes sleep over.
i guess i should find someone who sleeps over regularly enough to be like hey, am i grinding my teeth? should i get that looked at? should i give up? and just watch my teeth crumble to dust and blow away?