(no subject)
my input is bad and poorly curated.
also the largest filter in my brain is still "path of least resistance." so shorter and shorter youtube videos. restaurants and bars i can walk to with my dog where i don't have to plan anything. people who reach out to me and won't make me think about anything challenging.
i mean i can remember that watching tokyo story in the cinema was moving and jarring emotionally to the point where i was affected for days. i can intellectually understand that a good conversation with a genuinely interesting person is you know, good. but at this age, surely there's something that's supposed to kick in? that helps a bit to get you to at least i dunno, watch even a tv show as opposed to hours of 20 yr old twtich streamers playing among us?
speaking of which. i started sleeping with someone i immediately regretted. i could tell she wasn't going to listen to anything i said about keeping things purely physical and out of convenience. i mean the only thing we have in common is we both have recently dead parents and ate at fancy french restaurants. also we both drink too much.
i wish i could describe her in a more interesting way but everything i can think of feels hateful and mean. even anonymously. she speaks with an accent that is like just british and french enough to sound annoying to both. i dunno. the thing i remember most about her is once she was at a party and had these long breakfast at tiffany's gloves and after she got drunk and lost them and kept going around trying to find her breakfast at tiffany's gloves.
last time she came over after i had spent most of the day eating and drinking with a neighbor with two dogs one of whom is sort of a de facto girlfriend of my dubu's. i found myself thinking of her more after she left and the other girl came over. not for any strong reason. just a more pleasant person whom i invite over to share dog treats and clementines when i have excess. she sells underwear to girls with thicker thighs and makes sure not to label the sizes as anything other than the numerical measurements they fit.
time marches on relentlessly. dubu has started peeing on things he should not pee on. my bed for instance. like i was lying in bed late at night, he was asleep, then he got up and casually peed next to me. i yelled and shoved him off and he went and hid in a corner. and ever since then he's been having small mistakes. and i guess it's just old dog incontinence or senility. i guess i have to walk him more late at night to make sure he gets it out of the system. reteach him to pee in the bathroom for treats. anything to hold on to the only small comfort i have left.
the worst thing about screenplays is the industry obsession with structure. i mean since they're blueprints for buildings. the structure kinda has to hold up the bigger it gets. but i realize i was always more of a lump of emotion in the shape of some sadness i felt that day. and i can only shape around it. maybe embracing however to do that can help me break through the uselessness of my every day output.
i must remember. i have only ever done good work through a very strong feeling i can hold on to. also better input. i must remember better input.
also the largest filter in my brain is still "path of least resistance." so shorter and shorter youtube videos. restaurants and bars i can walk to with my dog where i don't have to plan anything. people who reach out to me and won't make me think about anything challenging.
i mean i can remember that watching tokyo story in the cinema was moving and jarring emotionally to the point where i was affected for days. i can intellectually understand that a good conversation with a genuinely interesting person is you know, good. but at this age, surely there's something that's supposed to kick in? that helps a bit to get you to at least i dunno, watch even a tv show as opposed to hours of 20 yr old twtich streamers playing among us?
speaking of which. i started sleeping with someone i immediately regretted. i could tell she wasn't going to listen to anything i said about keeping things purely physical and out of convenience. i mean the only thing we have in common is we both have recently dead parents and ate at fancy french restaurants. also we both drink too much.
i wish i could describe her in a more interesting way but everything i can think of feels hateful and mean. even anonymously. she speaks with an accent that is like just british and french enough to sound annoying to both. i dunno. the thing i remember most about her is once she was at a party and had these long breakfast at tiffany's gloves and after she got drunk and lost them and kept going around trying to find her breakfast at tiffany's gloves.
last time she came over after i had spent most of the day eating and drinking with a neighbor with two dogs one of whom is sort of a de facto girlfriend of my dubu's. i found myself thinking of her more after she left and the other girl came over. not for any strong reason. just a more pleasant person whom i invite over to share dog treats and clementines when i have excess. she sells underwear to girls with thicker thighs and makes sure not to label the sizes as anything other than the numerical measurements they fit.
time marches on relentlessly. dubu has started peeing on things he should not pee on. my bed for instance. like i was lying in bed late at night, he was asleep, then he got up and casually peed next to me. i yelled and shoved him off and he went and hid in a corner. and ever since then he's been having small mistakes. and i guess it's just old dog incontinence or senility. i guess i have to walk him more late at night to make sure he gets it out of the system. reteach him to pee in the bathroom for treats. anything to hold on to the only small comfort i have left.
the worst thing about screenplays is the industry obsession with structure. i mean since they're blueprints for buildings. the structure kinda has to hold up the bigger it gets. but i realize i was always more of a lump of emotion in the shape of some sadness i felt that day. and i can only shape around it. maybe embracing however to do that can help me break through the uselessness of my every day output.
i must remember. i have only ever done good work through a very strong feeling i can hold on to. also better input. i must remember better input.