(no subject)
i thought i'd forgotten my password but i guess not.
i spent 6 weeks traveling through the states. part of it was a sorely needed escape from my life after my dog died in may. also my dog died in may. i forget who knows what about my life where, or how anonymous i am anywhere anymore. but the dog thing was very important to me. and now i have to find a new identity, a new life. but it felt like maybe it was necessary to burn the other one down. but with age and the internetness of everything these days it doesn't have to be that dramatic. just sign off of a few things, stop going to a few bars, leave the country.
the other part was my best friend from hs and college whom ive not talked much to since 2017 or so was going thru a separation. i flew to nyc to help him move out and just kinda adjust and be emotional support and all that. we caught up and drank and tho i had originally thought he was super depresed and needed better more illegal drugs and a talking to i realized no, life is just very complicated and he just needed a friend around while he went thru the hard thing to drink and be stupid with to take our minds off the hard things.
so this entire trip kinda ended up being a check in with all these people i knew from college on, finding out what's been going on with those people who went off and got married and had families and the kids grew to double digits and then many of them just kinda decided hmm this isn't for me. combined with visiting my family house in austin for the first time in 6 years, with my mom dead and my dad having moved out, and seeing it in its complete and utter decline and decay. falling apart, infested w ants, rotting and rusting. piles of stuff everywhere. feeling like a couple college kids had been squatting in it. it all clinched it for me. my life really is over. or at least the life i'd known.
but it was also somewhat reassuring just seeing that no one else has ever figured shit out. people just do what they can, grow what they can, end up with kids. love the kids. split up. move on. some people die. i had a conversation with another friend who recently split up and has been living apart---
(all these people i used to have names for here, i think i referred to my friend as fetus once but a search of my lj book shows that i use the word fetus a lot. i forget what my other friend's nickname was but something little sistery...)
---but the key we decided to life, was that you hope for things and you build towards them and then as you age all your hopes recede and you end up settling where you are and going this is fine too.
i mean other people are doing well. they keep working at their lives. it's not like anything is easy. but they seem to be doing it.
i had an interesting conversation with a random person i met at dinner in new york. we sat in a park and she told me about her situationship struggles. (in her early 30s i think). but while we chatted, i noticed that everything she talked about, whether lovelife, work, everything, was with a distinct underlying sense of being trapped. and i told her that i'd been struggling with the opposite feeling. this deep down sense that my life was over. and having that convo gave me a new perspective. since if your life is over, you're also pretty much free. nothing to weigh you down. so i'm trying to see what i can do with that.
i also saw this one girl from this internet group i'm in. like a new lj all over again. she visits korea once a year to see her parents, and we made out after a drunken night and then just never mentioned it ever again back in january of this year. since then i've harbored a one-way crush, and let it bloom a bit while i got to see her in new york multiple times.
she has big excited eyes that make me wanna scribble on them with a dry erase marker. and a big effortless smile. when i first met her i barely noticed her bc she was dressed kinda frumpy almost? and i was just getting to know other people at the dinner party so we barely interacted. but she came by the house a few weeks later for coffee and i really loved talking to her and since then made an effort to hang out as much as possible. when she visited again in jan she got kinda hott and so i guess it was over at that point.
it's not a real thing. she gives me nothing to work with. she'll disappear after dropping a line in chat or a week or two. and even though i saw her in nyc more than anyone except my friend i was staying with, it was always borrowed time, in between other things. she somehow maintains complete openness as a friend, while always maintaining some sliver locked off. it's amazing compartmentalizing skills. i'm almost proud of myself for being attracted to her. even though she's too young for me, and lives far away, and doesn't like me that way. she's always available if i wanna reach out and schedule a draft exchange and talk about writing or something. or whenever we end up in the same country again i imagine.
but as i am older and wiser i am trying to separate myself from this feeling and sublimate it into the work. this is the healthy thing.
how she is gives me a new look into how someone can be compartmentalized and emotionally open and unavailable at the same time. which is a really great insight into how i could maybe approach my stupid 10 year+ unwritten succubus script without the shallow mysterious and distant love interest character i was always stuck on bc i could never got past "she's hott but mysterious." someone can be totally unmysterious and interesting and just have their own life separate from yours.
i've been writing a lot over the last few years. almost so much that i feel like i've at least gotten past the amateur writer's block struggles of never actually writing and am now struggling to complete a thing bc it's bad or blurry or scattered. def feels like improvement. hundreds of pages of multiple vomit drafts of scripts that never finish. a real accomplishment that feels like something even tho it is not. can't wait til it is.
more importantly, there is some chance i may work on webtoons or a script here this year where someone pays me money. which is literally professional. so again, that is a thing that is something.
i spent 6 weeks traveling through the states. part of it was a sorely needed escape from my life after my dog died in may. also my dog died in may. i forget who knows what about my life where, or how anonymous i am anywhere anymore. but the dog thing was very important to me. and now i have to find a new identity, a new life. but it felt like maybe it was necessary to burn the other one down. but with age and the internetness of everything these days it doesn't have to be that dramatic. just sign off of a few things, stop going to a few bars, leave the country.
the other part was my best friend from hs and college whom ive not talked much to since 2017 or so was going thru a separation. i flew to nyc to help him move out and just kinda adjust and be emotional support and all that. we caught up and drank and tho i had originally thought he was super depresed and needed better more illegal drugs and a talking to i realized no, life is just very complicated and he just needed a friend around while he went thru the hard thing to drink and be stupid with to take our minds off the hard things.
so this entire trip kinda ended up being a check in with all these people i knew from college on, finding out what's been going on with those people who went off and got married and had families and the kids grew to double digits and then many of them just kinda decided hmm this isn't for me. combined with visiting my family house in austin for the first time in 6 years, with my mom dead and my dad having moved out, and seeing it in its complete and utter decline and decay. falling apart, infested w ants, rotting and rusting. piles of stuff everywhere. feeling like a couple college kids had been squatting in it. it all clinched it for me. my life really is over. or at least the life i'd known.
but it was also somewhat reassuring just seeing that no one else has ever figured shit out. people just do what they can, grow what they can, end up with kids. love the kids. split up. move on. some people die. i had a conversation with another friend who recently split up and has been living apart---
(all these people i used to have names for here, i think i referred to my friend as fetus once but a search of my lj book shows that i use the word fetus a lot. i forget what my other friend's nickname was but something little sistery...)
---but the key we decided to life, was that you hope for things and you build towards them and then as you age all your hopes recede and you end up settling where you are and going this is fine too.
i mean other people are doing well. they keep working at their lives. it's not like anything is easy. but they seem to be doing it.
i had an interesting conversation with a random person i met at dinner in new york. we sat in a park and she told me about her situationship struggles. (in her early 30s i think). but while we chatted, i noticed that everything she talked about, whether lovelife, work, everything, was with a distinct underlying sense of being trapped. and i told her that i'd been struggling with the opposite feeling. this deep down sense that my life was over. and having that convo gave me a new perspective. since if your life is over, you're also pretty much free. nothing to weigh you down. so i'm trying to see what i can do with that.
i also saw this one girl from this internet group i'm in. like a new lj all over again. she visits korea once a year to see her parents, and we made out after a drunken night and then just never mentioned it ever again back in january of this year. since then i've harbored a one-way crush, and let it bloom a bit while i got to see her in new york multiple times.
she has big excited eyes that make me wanna scribble on them with a dry erase marker. and a big effortless smile. when i first met her i barely noticed her bc she was dressed kinda frumpy almost? and i was just getting to know other people at the dinner party so we barely interacted. but she came by the house a few weeks later for coffee and i really loved talking to her and since then made an effort to hang out as much as possible. when she visited again in jan she got kinda hott and so i guess it was over at that point.
it's not a real thing. she gives me nothing to work with. she'll disappear after dropping a line in chat or a week or two. and even though i saw her in nyc more than anyone except my friend i was staying with, it was always borrowed time, in between other things. she somehow maintains complete openness as a friend, while always maintaining some sliver locked off. it's amazing compartmentalizing skills. i'm almost proud of myself for being attracted to her. even though she's too young for me, and lives far away, and doesn't like me that way. she's always available if i wanna reach out and schedule a draft exchange and talk about writing or something. or whenever we end up in the same country again i imagine.
but as i am older and wiser i am trying to separate myself from this feeling and sublimate it into the work. this is the healthy thing.
how she is gives me a new look into how someone can be compartmentalized and emotionally open and unavailable at the same time. which is a really great insight into how i could maybe approach my stupid 10 year+ unwritten succubus script without the shallow mysterious and distant love interest character i was always stuck on bc i could never got past "she's hott but mysterious." someone can be totally unmysterious and interesting and just have their own life separate from yours.
i've been writing a lot over the last few years. almost so much that i feel like i've at least gotten past the amateur writer's block struggles of never actually writing and am now struggling to complete a thing bc it's bad or blurry or scattered. def feels like improvement. hundreds of pages of multiple vomit drafts of scripts that never finish. a real accomplishment that feels like something even tho it is not. can't wait til it is.
more importantly, there is some chance i may work on webtoons or a script here this year where someone pays me money. which is literally professional. so again, that is a thing that is something.