Pondering it all
In a week or so's time, this journal will be four years old. I always hoped that one day I'd be able to write the kind of entries I can write now, talking about our child, and how much they enrich our lives. It's true, Ember is more fabulous than we could ever have hoped, but when I think of writing in this journal, I find other thoughts come to mind.
I started this journal in order to document my experience as the non-biological mother of our child. Since I began it, I've been the potential bio and non-bio parent, and experienced the highs and lows of many unsuccessful attempts in each role. During the pregnancy and birth I realise now that I was so focused on the experience that documenting the differences between the two roles wasn't a major consideration, though I'm sure that this would have been much less the case if the roles had been reversed. As it was, P would sometimes admit to not having thought about the pregnancy for a time, something that for me was unimaginable, but then the changes in my body were constant reminders. Now however, I find myself contemplating those different roles again, and as I do so, with our beautiful daughter asleep in the chair behind me, I find that it's finally sunk in that those two roles are no longer different at all.
Our daughter has two mothers who both wanted her for a long time before she came and who both dote on her now. She knows this. It shows in the way that her face lights up with a beautiful smile whenever either of us approach her, in the way she settles to sleep in either of our arms, and in her calm and confidence in the world. P summed it up beautifully a few days after the birth. I can't say if this is exactly right but her words were something very close to: "I don't know why people worry so much about bonding as the non-biological parent. I adored her from the moment she was born. I couldn't love her more if I'd given birth to her myself."
Not surprisingly, the world feels like a very different place now that we're parents. Most of those changes are documented in every parenting book out there, but there is one place where the difference is extremely noticeable to us. It's in the way we now contemplate trying to conceive again.
We've spent some time considering having another child. Even up until Ember's birth we had thought we'd want to start trying again quite soon with P. She's going to be 40 later this year and if she is ever to bear a child herself we felt we'd need to really get cracking, but now that Ember is here, things feel very different. Having her has made it clear that it makes no difference to us which of us bears any future children - they will be loved and wanted by us both regardless. It's also made us realise how amazingly precious every moment is with one's own child. We're loving having her so much that we find ourselves not wanting to have another child yet. We want to bask in the joy that she brings us for a while, without having to think about ovulation predictor tests, cervical mucus or arranging donations. It feels wrong to try to create a child for any reason other than simply wanting them. It would undoubtedly be unnecessarily stressful to go through the whole 'trying to conceive roller coaster' without really, really wanting the outcome and if we're honest, we just don't want another child yet. I have no doubt that one day we will, but that day is not today. When it comes we'll decide whether we want to try with P at all, at whatever age she may be by then, or if we just want to try with me. Either way we'll be creating our child, and either way, if successful, will result in a child we both adore.
So, back to this journal, it's up-coming anniversary and the quite amazing journey it's been with us on. The name is now clearly entirely wrong. I'm not a nonbiomum, and there's a chance I might never be. But after all these years I'm finally a mum. Be it bio or non-bio, that's all that really matters.
I started this journal in order to document my experience as the non-biological mother of our child. Since I began it, I've been the potential bio and non-bio parent, and experienced the highs and lows of many unsuccessful attempts in each role. During the pregnancy and birth I realise now that I was so focused on the experience that documenting the differences between the two roles wasn't a major consideration, though I'm sure that this would have been much less the case if the roles had been reversed. As it was, P would sometimes admit to not having thought about the pregnancy for a time, something that for me was unimaginable, but then the changes in my body were constant reminders. Now however, I find myself contemplating those different roles again, and as I do so, with our beautiful daughter asleep in the chair behind me, I find that it's finally sunk in that those two roles are no longer different at all.
Our daughter has two mothers who both wanted her for a long time before she came and who both dote on her now. She knows this. It shows in the way that her face lights up with a beautiful smile whenever either of us approach her, in the way she settles to sleep in either of our arms, and in her calm and confidence in the world. P summed it up beautifully a few days after the birth. I can't say if this is exactly right but her words were something very close to: "I don't know why people worry so much about bonding as the non-biological parent. I adored her from the moment she was born. I couldn't love her more if I'd given birth to her myself."
Not surprisingly, the world feels like a very different place now that we're parents. Most of those changes are documented in every parenting book out there, but there is one place where the difference is extremely noticeable to us. It's in the way we now contemplate trying to conceive again.
We've spent some time considering having another child. Even up until Ember's birth we had thought we'd want to start trying again quite soon with P. She's going to be 40 later this year and if she is ever to bear a child herself we felt we'd need to really get cracking, but now that Ember is here, things feel very different. Having her has made it clear that it makes no difference to us which of us bears any future children - they will be loved and wanted by us both regardless. It's also made us realise how amazingly precious every moment is with one's own child. We're loving having her so much that we find ourselves not wanting to have another child yet. We want to bask in the joy that she brings us for a while, without having to think about ovulation predictor tests, cervical mucus or arranging donations. It feels wrong to try to create a child for any reason other than simply wanting them. It would undoubtedly be unnecessarily stressful to go through the whole 'trying to conceive roller coaster' without really, really wanting the outcome and if we're honest, we just don't want another child yet. I have no doubt that one day we will, but that day is not today. When it comes we'll decide whether we want to try with P at all, at whatever age she may be by then, or if we just want to try with me. Either way we'll be creating our child, and either way, if successful, will result in a child we both adore.
So, back to this journal, it's up-coming anniversary and the quite amazing journey it's been with us on. The name is now clearly entirely wrong. I'm not a nonbiomum, and there's a chance I might never be. But after all these years I'm finally a mum. Be it bio or non-bio, that's all that really matters.