Never realized until now...
I never realized how lonely I feel until just recently.
It's really upsetting to me.
I guess I don't mean to "shun" people out of my life. I wish for friends... but they are so hard to gain and also to keep. Many people just think I'm strange altogether.
But maybe the strange thing is all in my head. I don't like to do a lot of things. I don't like to go to a lot of places. Why do people view these things as negative?
My best friend gets pissed off at me very easily. I'm not sure why this is. I have never touched a drug in my life, abused myself, or done anything really harmful or asshole-ish... BUT she still always seems to have an issue with her. I always seem to piss her off because I do something so small. What the hell is up with her anymore? She always seems to have a bug up her ass 24/7 thinking she does so much better. Well, whatever. At least I didn't fail classes in college or drank until all the common sense left my head.
So here I am... totally miserable. I really think a big reason is because I dislike a lot of people in my generation. I absolutely HATE alcohol. It scares me. I hate how my family members get so crazy and angry while they are drunk. I hate it because my stepbrother almost raped me while under the influence. I got into fights with my dad. Some became physical. Does anyone else understand the pain alcohol can cause? Am I just a loser for feeling pain every time I even see or think about alcohol?
I don't want to sound like a complete emo bastard. I feel like I have had a very challenging life like many others. I'm tired of trying to please people (especially my mother) to the point that I don't care about moving out without any money and totally ruining my credit. I just want to be happy. I have been so stressed for the last few days my IBS has been acting up and I have had so many trips to the bathroom it's insane. I also have trouble sleeping. This is the worst case of insomnia I ever had in my LIFE. I cannot sleep til about 7-8am now. I break down into tears frequently. I think about lonliness and death constantly. My body aches.
I would not be surprised if I miss my monthly visit. Hell, I'm really expecting it to be late. Stress really does some nasty shit to you. I'm going to die before im 30.
I know I jump from topic to topic... but my mind is everywhere now.
Just wish someone would hug me for a bit... someone other than my boyfriend.
Someone that truly likes me for who I am.
Someone that can look past my faults and see my great attributes.
Someone that I can trust.
It's really upsetting to me.
I guess I don't mean to "shun" people out of my life. I wish for friends... but they are so hard to gain and also to keep. Many people just think I'm strange altogether.
But maybe the strange thing is all in my head. I don't like to do a lot of things. I don't like to go to a lot of places. Why do people view these things as negative?
My best friend gets pissed off at me very easily. I'm not sure why this is. I have never touched a drug in my life, abused myself, or done anything really harmful or asshole-ish... BUT she still always seems to have an issue with her. I always seem to piss her off because I do something so small. What the hell is up with her anymore? She always seems to have a bug up her ass 24/7 thinking she does so much better. Well, whatever. At least I didn't fail classes in college or drank until all the common sense left my head.
So here I am... totally miserable. I really think a big reason is because I dislike a lot of people in my generation. I absolutely HATE alcohol. It scares me. I hate how my family members get so crazy and angry while they are drunk. I hate it because my stepbrother almost raped me while under the influence. I got into fights with my dad. Some became physical. Does anyone else understand the pain alcohol can cause? Am I just a loser for feeling pain every time I even see or think about alcohol?
I don't want to sound like a complete emo bastard. I feel like I have had a very challenging life like many others. I'm tired of trying to please people (especially my mother) to the point that I don't care about moving out without any money and totally ruining my credit. I just want to be happy. I have been so stressed for the last few days my IBS has been acting up and I have had so many trips to the bathroom it's insane. I also have trouble sleeping. This is the worst case of insomnia I ever had in my LIFE. I cannot sleep til about 7-8am now. I break down into tears frequently. I think about lonliness and death constantly. My body aches.
I would not be surprised if I miss my monthly visit. Hell, I'm really expecting it to be late. Stress really does some nasty shit to you. I'm going to die before im 30.
I know I jump from topic to topic... but my mind is everywhere now.
Just wish someone would hug me for a bit... someone other than my boyfriend.
Someone that truly likes me for who I am.
Someone that can look past my faults and see my great attributes.
Someone that I can trust.