(no subject)
I hate roller coaster days.
I realize that without medication I have so little ability to control the way I feel. It's one way one minute and completely reversed the next. One word or thought can flip everything.
But with it I can't trust how I feel. How do I know if it's me or the drugs? And everything I feel is kind of faded. Yeah, I feel better more, but it's kind of a cheap imitation.
So I'm cutting it off. It was a nice experiment but it's not worth it.
I'll just have to deal with being a nutjob.
There's got to be better ways. I just have to find the balance.
I have a lot of thinking to do. Changes need to be made.
I realize that this might not make any sense, but I'm kind of thinking through the keyboard right now.
The past is over, and I haven't been able to move on from so many things. More than any one person knows about.
I need to find what should be changed, change what can be, and accept what can't.
Earlier tonight I just wanted to get as drunk as possible and quit school, not necessarily in that order. Something was wrong and something bad was going to happen- I just knew it.
In an instant everything seemed better, though.
Why? What's the trigger?
Random spastic chemical releases in my brain? Something entirely different, maybe.
I have to wake up for work soon, so I should sleep. Not that I feel like it...
I realize that without medication I have so little ability to control the way I feel. It's one way one minute and completely reversed the next. One word or thought can flip everything.
But with it I can't trust how I feel. How do I know if it's me or the drugs? And everything I feel is kind of faded. Yeah, I feel better more, but it's kind of a cheap imitation.
So I'm cutting it off. It was a nice experiment but it's not worth it.
I'll just have to deal with being a nutjob.
There's got to be better ways. I just have to find the balance.
I have a lot of thinking to do. Changes need to be made.
I realize that this might not make any sense, but I'm kind of thinking through the keyboard right now.
The past is over, and I haven't been able to move on from so many things. More than any one person knows about.
I need to find what should be changed, change what can be, and accept what can't.
Earlier tonight I just wanted to get as drunk as possible and quit school, not necessarily in that order. Something was wrong and something bad was going to happen- I just knew it.
In an instant everything seemed better, though.
Why? What's the trigger?
Random spastic chemical releases in my brain? Something entirely different, maybe.
I have to wake up for work soon, so I should sleep. Not that I feel like it...