OOC: Thoughts on the inner workings of the green fella. Here there be spoilers for A:tS
So. After a while of somewhat consistent game play, Lorne is becoming clearer and clearer to me. Not only how he lives his life, but the whys and wherefores of it, and if there's one thing that keeps on bopping me in the head (with glee), it's the notion that I KNEW there was a reason I chose Queen's The Show Must Go On as his LJ theme. Indeed, it's his theme, not only because of it being one of the greatest songs by one of the greatest rock groups of all time, but because if Lorne still sang, he could sing it word for word and mean every single one of them. The themes and the words and everything would fit. But, that's beside the point, if ever so slightly.
The show must go on. At the very core of Lorne's current view on life, is the fact he lost three of his closest friends in less than a year. There's also the ever more crippling fact that he killed a man in cold blood. The more time passes, the more it weighs him down, because in his heart of hearts, he doesn't believe it was the right thing to do. Angel asked him to. At the time, it may not have seemed like the best ideas, but no one could deny what Lindsey did, or tried to do, to all of them. He tried to kill Angel. And you don't mess with Lorne's friends. At the time, it didn't seem like such a bad thing, getting rid of an obstacle. Lindsey wasn't part of the solution.
We need to remember Lorne had never killed anyone before. And when he steps over that threshold, it's someone he could once respect, someone he helped, because he believed that was the right thing to do. More and more, he's starting to believe, that if he only had a different set of information, or just more of it, he could've found a way to save the man. Maybe he was part of the solution. Maybe it just wasn't the right time yet.
So. Lorne has built himself a name and a place in the outskirts of show biz. It's what he always wanted Caritas to become, but where Caritas was a place everyone could come to have a good time, where everyone was welcome, Aequitas is a job. Nothing more, nothing less. Oh, he'll wax poetic about his darling night club, but it's all for show.
He used to help people, no matter who they were. Now, he's using people before they can use him. No one gets close, even if he'll grab every opportunity for physical contact (and sex). In a twist of irony, what he fears most is loneliness, but he can't let anyone close enough to alleviate it. Loneliness is a necessity to avoid getting screwed by the people you care about. It's a shield to scare off disappointment and deceit and heartache. Never trust anyone. You can't ever trust anyone, because one way or another, if you start caring, the Powers that Shan't be Named will find a way to fuck your life up.
I think I made a note about some people needing to get laid, while Lorne here needs some TLC in his life, maybe in Milli's OOC comm. He needs to find love, and faith enough to trust things will turn out for the better. And trust more than anything is what he lacks the most. He can't trust people. He can't believe they'll still be around if they find out what he did, so he won't tell them. He might quip about it, but quips aren't the same as actually telling someone what happened. The emotional connection isn't the same, and Lorne was once all about emotion, the good and the bad and the fucking ugly. His last year with Angel Inc. changed that. He doesn't even like music anymore, and it used to be what his dreams were made of. It was his life.
And suddenly I realize I have one Hell of a lot of work cut out for me, fixing this pup. Good thing I love challenges.
The show must go on. At the very core of Lorne's current view on life, is the fact he lost three of his closest friends in less than a year. There's also the ever more crippling fact that he killed a man in cold blood. The more time passes, the more it weighs him down, because in his heart of hearts, he doesn't believe it was the right thing to do. Angel asked him to. At the time, it may not have seemed like the best ideas, but no one could deny what Lindsey did, or tried to do, to all of them. He tried to kill Angel. And you don't mess with Lorne's friends. At the time, it didn't seem like such a bad thing, getting rid of an obstacle. Lindsey wasn't part of the solution.
We need to remember Lorne had never killed anyone before. And when he steps over that threshold, it's someone he could once respect, someone he helped, because he believed that was the right thing to do. More and more, he's starting to believe, that if he only had a different set of information, or just more of it, he could've found a way to save the man. Maybe he was part of the solution. Maybe it just wasn't the right time yet.
So. Lorne has built himself a name and a place in the outskirts of show biz. It's what he always wanted Caritas to become, but where Caritas was a place everyone could come to have a good time, where everyone was welcome, Aequitas is a job. Nothing more, nothing less. Oh, he'll wax poetic about his darling night club, but it's all for show.
He used to help people, no matter who they were. Now, he's using people before they can use him. No one gets close, even if he'll grab every opportunity for physical contact (and sex). In a twist of irony, what he fears most is loneliness, but he can't let anyone close enough to alleviate it. Loneliness is a necessity to avoid getting screwed by the people you care about. It's a shield to scare off disappointment and deceit and heartache. Never trust anyone. You can't ever trust anyone, because one way or another, if you start caring, the Powers that Shan't be Named will find a way to fuck your life up.
I think I made a note about some people needing to get laid, while Lorne here needs some TLC in his life, maybe in Milli's OOC comm. He needs to find love, and faith enough to trust things will turn out for the better. And trust more than anything is what he lacks the most. He can't trust people. He can't believe they'll still be around if they find out what he did, so he won't tell them. He might quip about it, but quips aren't the same as actually telling someone what happened. The emotional connection isn't the same, and Lorne was once all about emotion, the good and the bad and the fucking ugly. His last year with Angel Inc. changed that. He doesn't even like music anymore, and it used to be what his dreams were made of. It was his life.
And suddenly I realize I have one Hell of a lot of work cut out for me, fixing this pup. Good thing I love challenges.