today sucked
yes well my subject pretty mush explains it all. today sucked. i mean, i got put in "the good section" apparantly acording to ...like..everyone in the other section..and everyone in our section..but god...the thing is...no one in my section talks to me. well not that the other section does but like ugh i feel so fucking alone. there are two groups of girls in my section. kaya, lauren, grace, quianna. and then theres the clique. with the exeption of talia of course but now erin kate and elise are totally shutting off everyone else. it makes me feel really shitty because it makes me think about how if i wasnt friends with kate, i would be friends with so many other people. its like, being friends with her shuts you off from everyone else, and if you try and leave, she makes you feel bad and you have to hang out with her. god and now saying this makes me feel all bitchy.
i went 2 goodwill...WOOHOOOOO...yes well i got some pretty cool stuff and then i walked to the ave..with GUESS FUCKING WHO?...yeah thats right i dont even have to say her name you alredy no...well i wanted to invite some other people so when kate came we called grace and kaya but they were going shopping with each other so they couldnt come with us. well i got some rad pink earmuffs...some jeans...and a shirt that says love sucks..no shit. hm well...
it just seems like i try so hard...i really do...i want to be friends with people...but i dono what happened...and now all i can do is sit around listing to my ipod, having people come up and being like "oh honey are you OKAY?" pretending like they wana hang out but then when i say "yeah im fine" they walk away. god..maybe im not trying. maybe i think im trying but im really just sitting on my ass expecting other people to start the conversation. i dont know what to fucking DO. and then theres max who tells me everyfuckingday that im too selfconcious and that i care way to much about what other people think. it just makes me feel worse.
on top of it all...dads leaving for england in a week. i dont know what ill do. i mean its not like hes been there, but having him move to england..never seeing him again...its so deppressing. i want to cry so bad. ive never cryed about my dad because i keep telling myself "its not my fault, he has to help himself, i wont miss him, i hate him, i hate his fucking guts, hes a selfish bastard" but inside i love him so fucking much. hes my dad for gods sake. everytime someone calls kent my dad i get a fucking huge lump in my throat and i just want to scream that hes not my dad, i have a real dad, i do. kate does that. i dont think she understands.
the other day kate and i were talking. i was telling her about how, i've shared some of my problems iwth other people, and theyve opened up to me about their problems. i didnt tell her anything about any of them, but she was being such a fucking bitch. she goes "so..thats how you..make friends with people rowan? by telling them about ur personal life?" and im like "uhm..no its just a way of letting people get to know you a little better." and then i couldnt believe she said this. she put on a big smile and said "so..what if you dont HAVE any problems?" when she said that, iono why but i felt so sick....and i didnt say anything..then she laughed and went "so..i guess im screwed huh?" -giggle giggle-.
i feel like i have no one right now. i really dont. kate doesnt understand what its like. and anyone who would hates me right now. and god..i have so many people who i used to be friends with, but now they think im a total freak. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i cant take all this shit. and whenever grant calls me ugly or stupid or fat or "a cumsucking bitch" i dont know what to do. i never say anything back. and then later he acts like nothing happened. i dont think he realizes that it hurts me. i dont think anyone realizes that im hurting right now.
-no one's bitch
i went 2 goodwill...WOOHOOOOO...yes well i got some pretty cool stuff and then i walked to the ave..with GUESS FUCKING WHO?...yeah thats right i dont even have to say her name you alredy no...well i wanted to invite some other people so when kate came we called grace and kaya but they were going shopping with each other so they couldnt come with us. well i got some rad pink earmuffs...some jeans...and a shirt that says love sucks..no shit. hm well...
it just seems like i try so hard...i really do...i want to be friends with people...but i dono what happened...and now all i can do is sit around listing to my ipod, having people come up and being like "oh honey are you OKAY?" pretending like they wana hang out but then when i say "yeah im fine" they walk away. god..maybe im not trying. maybe i think im trying but im really just sitting on my ass expecting other people to start the conversation. i dont know what to fucking DO. and then theres max who tells me everyfuckingday that im too selfconcious and that i care way to much about what other people think. it just makes me feel worse.
on top of it all...dads leaving for england in a week. i dont know what ill do. i mean its not like hes been there, but having him move to england..never seeing him again...its so deppressing. i want to cry so bad. ive never cryed about my dad because i keep telling myself "its not my fault, he has to help himself, i wont miss him, i hate him, i hate his fucking guts, hes a selfish bastard" but inside i love him so fucking much. hes my dad for gods sake. everytime someone calls kent my dad i get a fucking huge lump in my throat and i just want to scream that hes not my dad, i have a real dad, i do. kate does that. i dont think she understands.
the other day kate and i were talking. i was telling her about how, i've shared some of my problems iwth other people, and theyve opened up to me about their problems. i didnt tell her anything about any of them, but she was being such a fucking bitch. she goes "so..thats how you..make friends with people rowan? by telling them about ur personal life?" and im like "uhm..no its just a way of letting people get to know you a little better." and then i couldnt believe she said this. she put on a big smile and said "so..what if you dont HAVE any problems?" when she said that, iono why but i felt so sick....and i didnt say anything..then she laughed and went "so..i guess im screwed huh?" -giggle giggle-.
i feel like i have no one right now. i really dont. kate doesnt understand what its like. and anyone who would hates me right now. and god..i have so many people who i used to be friends with, but now they think im a total freak. fuck. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. i cant take all this shit. and whenever grant calls me ugly or stupid or fat or "a cumsucking bitch" i dont know what to do. i never say anything back. and then later he acts like nothing happened. i dont think he realizes that it hurts me. i dont think anyone realizes that im hurting right now.
-no one's bitch