(no subject)
I was all set to spend my only hour of personal time for today on writing a long journal entry about ambulatory practice in Connecticut, about New England farming, and about regaining self-confidence and planning for the future after a bad breakup. But unfortunately I compulsively check my e-mail and the news before doing anything on the computer, so I really have no one but myself to blame for my peaceful, healing, emotionally healthy attitude to be completely replaced by bitterness and misery in the span of time it took to read an e-mail from Kevin. (Well, I could blame Kevin.)
See, he’s really sorry. He made my life miserable and grated my self-esteem like brick cheese for two and a half years, he broke promises and pretended to be a mature and sensitive human being, and he constantly reassured me that he loved me and was looking out for me while never once looking out for anyone but himself-not once. And now, in true form, he’s pretending to be mature and sensitive and he’s sorry.
Why did I ever put up with crap from him that I would never have stood for a second from ANYONE else? Why have I not blocked his e-mail address from my account and his phone number from my cell phone, and removed him from facebook and livejournal? Why, in the name of all that is rational, do I STILL defend him to EVERYONE who comments on what an asshole he is?
Because WE WERE BEST FRIENDS. And as the story goes, he was actually a really good friend, until I made the mistake of sleeping with him. When people asked how long I’d been dating him, I always mentioned that we’d been friends for another three and a half years or so before we ever started dating.
I may be coming to terms with where my life is and where it’s going, and I may be starting to remember again that I’m happy being single and all that stuff, but I’m still in love with that stupid selfish jerk. And it still reaaaalllly hurts to see him write that I’m not “the woman of his life”. What the fuck is that?
I don’t WANT to be this guy’s friend. I don’t want to wait a few weeks or months and then start talking to him again. I want to make him not exist anymore-I want to block out him, and his family, and yes even his roommate and anyone connected to him, and I want to never hear from any of them again. I want to leave Massachusetts and never have to be reminded that he exists. Why can’t I do that? HE never played fair.
Not the woman of his life? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! How do you decide that about someone after this long, when you haven’t even SEEN them in weeks? I JUST HATE HIM. I can’t even remember why I felt so peaceful before. I just HATE HIM and I want him to be miserable forever. I don’t care about dairy farming or all the interesting people I meet or the future. I hate everything.
See, he’s really sorry. He made my life miserable and grated my self-esteem like brick cheese for two and a half years, he broke promises and pretended to be a mature and sensitive human being, and he constantly reassured me that he loved me and was looking out for me while never once looking out for anyone but himself-not once. And now, in true form, he’s pretending to be mature and sensitive and he’s sorry.
Why did I ever put up with crap from him that I would never have stood for a second from ANYONE else? Why have I not blocked his e-mail address from my account and his phone number from my cell phone, and removed him from facebook and livejournal? Why, in the name of all that is rational, do I STILL defend him to EVERYONE who comments on what an asshole he is?
Because WE WERE BEST FRIENDS. And as the story goes, he was actually a really good friend, until I made the mistake of sleeping with him. When people asked how long I’d been dating him, I always mentioned that we’d been friends for another three and a half years or so before we ever started dating.
I may be coming to terms with where my life is and where it’s going, and I may be starting to remember again that I’m happy being single and all that stuff, but I’m still in love with that stupid selfish jerk. And it still reaaaalllly hurts to see him write that I’m not “the woman of his life”. What the fuck is that?
I don’t WANT to be this guy’s friend. I don’t want to wait a few weeks or months and then start talking to him again. I want to make him not exist anymore-I want to block out him, and his family, and yes even his roommate and anyone connected to him, and I want to never hear from any of them again. I want to leave Massachusetts and never have to be reminded that he exists. Why can’t I do that? HE never played fair.
Not the woman of his life? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! How do you decide that about someone after this long, when you haven’t even SEEN them in weeks? I JUST HATE HIM. I can’t even remember why I felt so peaceful before. I just HATE HIM and I want him to be miserable forever. I don’t care about dairy farming or all the interesting people I meet or the future. I hate everything.