I've been sitting on the couch for a while after Spike walked me home, just trying to get things in order in my head. I know that he's probably gone back to Drusilla, I expect that, and while it doesn't feel good, whatever, there's nothing I can do so I guess I might as well accept it. For now.
My elbows on my knees and my hands in my hair when Angel comes in, I look up and I'm about to say hi and claim exhaustion when he, like. Freaks. I almost jump to the other side of the couch, it surprises me so much. This isn't like the Angel I know.
"Angel, what...?" Him? Spike? Okay, so obviously they have some issues. What's the freak deal?
I swallow, anger and rage is hard to supress, but even more...the surprise...
"...all over you, and I do mean ALL over you."
I cannot even hide my discontentment, I'm flaring up, the anger is eminating off of me, and I have a murderous intent in my bones that I haven't felt since I was Angelus.
I knew William was in town, and that Buffy was sort of chummy with him, but the concept that he'd stay...and abuse Dawn's trust as well long after Buffy was gone. It was inconceivable.
"I don't know." Probably on his way home, or back at the crypt already. But I can't pinpoint his exact location, so it's not totally a lie. Besides, I'm not exactly going to hand him over to Angel, not when he's looking like that.
"Angel, really, it's okay..." I really want to stand up so I can maybe stop him if he goes running out the door (yeah, right) but the waves of 'angry vampire' coming off of him keep me securely on the couch.
"No Dawn, it's not okay. I know he may seem like a friend, but you don't know Spike. None of you do, not the way I do. I have centuries experience with him. He may be an ally, but not for the right reasons. He has no soul. The only reason he didn't sink his teeth into you is cause he has a chip in his head that stops him from doing it. He's a heartless killer, he lives for the kill, and don't tell me he's not."
I pause. I don't mean to lecture Dawn, I sit down in the chair across from her to show that the rage isn't necessairly aimed at her.
"I'm sorry Dawn, you just need to understand. The things that he did...the things we did, as long as he's soulless, that's part of him. He may be subdued, and he may have done some good things for Buffy, but the bloodlust is still there. He's probably less of a menace nowadays without Dru, but he's still a killer, and I just want you to be careful."
"I'm careful." I smile a little at Angel, trying to buy time. Trying to take everything in and how to really reply to that. At least he's sitting now, maybe a little less likely to run off into the night.
"And that's not true, what you said. He isn't like that anymore. He's done good things for all of us. He used to take care of me, when Buffy was dead." Not that she is any less dead now. "He didn't have to. But he did. Whatever he used to do, I think he might've changed." And he said he loves me.
I look down at my hands, wondering how to tell him about Drusilla. If I should even tell him. He'll probably lock me in the basement.
My god, why did it never occur to me? When Buffy died, I went off to find my grief, and it never occurred to me that this girl no longer had a family, had no one to watch over her. As the "hero", I should have stepped in, done what I could to help care for the sister of the girl I loved?
Instead, she was left in the ward of a monster.
A beast.
"A beast that I helped create."
I pause, I actually said it outloud. One of the biggest reasons that I had such hatred for Spike, and I finally let it out with this realization of this girl's need for love. Something I had been avoiding for a long time. I didn't hate Spike because of what he was...but because of WHO he was. He was a reminder of my past.
He was my best student.
I taught him to kill, and he was the best learner.
...and in a way Angelus will never be dead as long as he and Drusilla are out there.
I know what I have to do now, without ever communicating it.
I frown. I don't know the backstory here, I don't know what their issue is, but it just makes me even more curious. I'd have to talk to someone, and soon. This whole 'monster' thing was really bothering me. What used to be so bad about Spike, anyway? I mean, aside from the whole blood-sucking-fiend thing.
"Sorry for what, Angel? I don't mind it, him being around. He does care for me. He really... cared about... Buffy. Blamed himself when she... you know." Loved her. Slept with her. Was so damn devoted.
I don't even notice making fists until I realize my hands are shaking a little. I look at my palms and there are little white half-moons, turning red fast.
Then I get it. Angel feels responsible. For leaving me alone with Spike, for not being here earlier. But how do I tell him that I think Spike's changed, that he is good, he's not just pretending? How do I convince him of that?
I lean back, the initial wave of anger that I felt has settled into the back of my mind. I shouldn't have reacted so brashly, but sometimes I can't help it. It's a good thing I didn't go tearing out of the house though, cause now I'm more calm, and will have time to think this over.
More time to plan.
"That may be Dawn, far be it for me to say that someone is incapable of change, so I'll leave the issue for now, but there's something I really want you to do for me. You be careful around him when you see him, please? If you trust him, I'm ok with that, but it will take a lot more for me to be entirely convinced. Just be safe."
I pause, collecting my thoughts.
"Any other surprises I should know about before I go out into the night, or is Spike's presence the big money maker in this scenario?"
"I'm always careful, Angel." I smile a little and blink, trying to keep my eyes open through the smeared eyeliner and clumpy mascara. God, all I really want right now is to crash into bed and sleep past noon.
But then Angel asks me outright what I've been worrying about all along and I can't just lie to him. Omit information, maybe, but not lie. I mean, it's Angel. He's not exactly a paternal figure, more of an uncle or something, really, but he's still kind of family.
"Yeah, funny you should ask..." because I wasn't going to tell you if you didn't, or at least, not yet. Why do I always have to be the bearer of bad news and whatnot? "We do have a new guest."
The word rolls off of her lips as if it were just another name or a simple object that there should be no alarm over. Like she just said, "Toaster" or "banana
( ... )
"Yeah... she's with Spike." And Spike is with her. And I bet I can guess what they're doing right about now. I blink and comb back my hair, try to shake those thoughts out of my head. I know I'm not okay with it, and there's no other way to feel, so I should just deal with it, right?
I'm quiet for a while, going over what Angel said. Okay, first thing tomorrow, I am so at the Magic Box. I'm tired of only getting bits and pieces of background information and then feeling stupid. I'm not a stupid kid anymore.
"I think she only got here yesterday, that was the first time I saw her," I tell Angel. "I didn't want to tell you this morning because... it just would've been weird, like, hi, Angel, yeah, Buffy's in a coma, oh, and by the way, Drusilla stopped by, just thought you'd want a heads up." I pause and take a breath, realizing that I was kind of going off. "Sorry. But, you know, I don't really like her, so I don't think you need to worry about me and her having slumber parties or anything."
"That's probably wise, due to the fact that if Dru had a slumber party, you'd likely be more the snack food than a guest."
I take a non-breath and look across at Dawn silently for a moment. There was a lot to process here, but it wasn't worth getting angry over, at least not at her. It was not her fault Dru was in town...or that Spike was an...idiot.
"Dawn, thanks for the honesty. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or get mad at you, this isn't your fault by any means, so I hope I didn't scare you or anything. It's just a lot of history that makes me less than pleased to know they are in town."
Which I suppose brings me to my next question...
"...with Buffy...out of the picture...who is patrolling Sunnydale?"
No, Drusilla didn't want to eat me when I met her, but I leave that helpful fact out of the conversation. I think I've told Angel enough that he didn't want to hear.
"We are, mostly," I shrug, looking down at my hands, still scraped from that brush with the vampire a couple nights ago. "I mean, I'm not because god forbid we let little Dawnie learn anything helpful, but Xander and Willow and Tara are. Kind of."
I sigh. Next thing Angel probably doesn't want to know but has to anyway. "And Faith, I guess. She just came into town the other day, heard about what happened to Buffy somehow, I guess, and she's here to help."
My elbows on my knees and my hands in my hair when Angel comes in, I look up and I'm about to say hi and claim exhaustion when he, like. Freaks. I almost jump to the other side of the couch, it surprises me so much. This isn't like the Angel I know.
"Angel, what...?" Him? Spike? Okay, so obviously they have some issues. What's the freak deal?
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I swallow, anger and rage is hard to supress, but even more...the surprise...
"...all over you, and I do mean ALL over you."
I cannot even hide my discontentment, I'm flaring up, the anger is eminating off of me, and I have a murderous intent in my bones that I haven't felt since I was Angelus.
I knew William was in town, and that Buffy was sort of chummy with him, but the concept that he'd stay...and abuse Dawn's trust as well long after Buffy was gone. It was inconceivable.
I wanted him gone. I wanted him in my ash tray.
I wanted him NOW.
"Where is he?"
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"Angel, really, it's okay..." I really want to stand up so I can maybe stop him if he goes running out the door (yeah, right) but the waves of 'angry vampire' coming off of him keep me securely on the couch.
Smelling Spike, on me. See, that's just creepy.
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I pause. I don't mean to lecture Dawn, I sit down in the chair across from her to show that the rage isn't necessairly aimed at her.
"I'm sorry Dawn, you just need to understand. The things that he did...the things we did, as long as he's soulless, that's part of him. He may be subdued, and he may have done some good things for Buffy, but the bloodlust is still there. He's probably less of a menace nowadays without Dru, but he's still a killer, and I just want you to be careful."
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"And that's not true, what you said. He isn't like that anymore. He's done good things for all of us. He used to take care of me, when Buffy was dead." Not that she is any less dead now. "He didn't have to. But he did. Whatever he used to do, I think he might've changed." And he said he loves me.
I look down at my hands, wondering how to tell him about Drusilla. If I should even tell him. He'll probably lock me in the basement.
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My god, why did it never occur to me? When Buffy died, I went off to find my grief, and it never occurred to me that this girl no longer had a family, had no one to watch over her. As the "hero", I should have stepped in, done what I could to help care for the sister of the girl I loved?
Instead, she was left in the ward of a monster.
A beast.
"A beast that I helped create."
I pause, I actually said it outloud. One of the biggest reasons that I had such hatred for Spike, and I finally let it out with this realization of this girl's need for love. Something I had been avoiding for a long time. I didn't hate Spike because of what he was...but because of WHO he was. He was a reminder of my past.
He was my best student.
I taught him to kill, and he was the best learner.
...and in a way Angelus will never be dead as long as he and Drusilla are out there.
I know what I have to do now, without ever communicating it.
All I can manage to say is:
"Dawnie...I'm so sorry."
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"Sorry for what, Angel? I don't mind it, him being around. He does care for me. He really... cared about... Buffy. Blamed himself when she... you know." Loved her. Slept with her. Was so damn devoted.
I don't even notice making fists until I realize my hands are shaking a little. I look at my palms and there are little white half-moons, turning red fast.
Then I get it. Angel feels responsible. For leaving me alone with Spike, for not being here earlier. But how do I tell him that I think Spike's changed, that he is good, he's not just pretending? How do I convince him of that?
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More time to plan.
"That may be Dawn, far be it for me to say that someone is incapable of change, so I'll leave the issue for now, but there's something I really want you to do for me. You be careful around him when you see him, please? If you trust him, I'm ok with that, but it will take a lot more for me to be entirely convinced. Just be safe."
I pause, collecting my thoughts.
"Any other surprises I should know about before I go out into the night, or is Spike's presence the big money maker in this scenario?"
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But then Angel asks me outright what I've been worrying about all along and I can't just lie to him. Omit information, maybe, but not lie. I mean, it's Angel. He's not exactly a paternal figure, more of an uncle or something, really, but he's still kind of family.
"Yeah, funny you should ask..." because I wasn't going to tell you if you didn't, or at least, not yet. Why do I always have to be the bearer of bad news and whatnot? "We do have a new guest."
"Drusilla."
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I'm quiet for a while, going over what Angel said. Okay, first thing tomorrow, I am so at the Magic Box. I'm tired of only getting bits and pieces of background information and then feeling stupid. I'm not a stupid kid anymore.
"I think she only got here yesterday, that was the first time I saw her," I tell Angel. "I didn't want to tell you this morning because... it just would've been weird, like, hi, Angel, yeah, Buffy's in a coma, oh, and by the way, Drusilla stopped by, just thought you'd want a heads up." I pause and take a breath, realizing that I was kind of going off. "Sorry. But, you know, I don't really like her, so I don't think you need to worry about me and her having slumber parties or anything."
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I take a non-breath and look across at Dawn silently for a moment. There was a lot to process here, but it wasn't worth getting angry over, at least not at her. It was not her fault Dru was in town...or that Spike was an...idiot.
"Dawn, thanks for the honesty. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or get mad at you, this isn't your fault by any means, so I hope I didn't scare you or anything. It's just a lot of history that makes me less than pleased to know they are in town."
Which I suppose brings me to my next question...
"...with Buffy...out of the picture...who is patrolling Sunnydale?"
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"We are, mostly," I shrug, looking down at my hands, still scraped from that brush with the vampire a couple nights ago. "I mean, I'm not because god forbid we let little Dawnie learn anything helpful, but Xander and Willow and Tara are. Kind of."
I sigh. Next thing Angel probably doesn't want to know but has to anyway. "And Faith, I guess. She just came into town the other day, heard about what happened to Buffy somehow, I guess, and she's here to help."
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