1557th
It's a good day to reflect on how she has become our Mother. I wish I could say that was a good thing. :/
The same cold fish, emotional manipulation when he does something she doesn't like (she thinks she's just being stern I guess ... ? and looking back, so did our Mom, probably? but we both know what it's like to be on the receiving end, and it's pretty damaging) I want to laugh derisively at her, and cry bitterly for him every time she does it.
The same use of physical infirmities (real or imagined, or just simply ... um ... enhanced?) to influence behavior, even in public settings. Nothing like making a 4 year old feel guilty for hurting Mama.
The same same same same physical body. Every time I see her sit herself on the end of the couch with that "wince" and the spread knees to "accommodate" her physical ailments, I flash back to those last years of Mom's. The same sickly sagging jowls, unhealthy skin tone, and ugly look on her mouth. I expect to look up and see a wild tangle of gray unkempt hair. When her doctor told her she didn't look good I knew EXACTLY what he meant. She looks like Mom before Mom died. According to her she's DOING. THE. BEST. SHE. CAN. but we all know that for the lie it is. I keep wanting to challenge her to tell me ONE thing she's doing to make herself "better," but I know she can't come up with one, or not a realistic one, while those around her could cite chapter and verse of what she's doing that's harming her health, so ...
And that same sense of selfish bitterness and resentment at the time involved in being a parent. Beyond the normal frustrations and inconveniences. He's already begun to notice it, just as we did ... Yeah, parenthood, especially in her case, was a CHOICE. As was the other half of the parenthood equation. The fact that she resents it now reflects on no one but her, and is, again, tragically funny.
Anyhoo, if there's anything destined to make me make an effort to take care of myself, and try desperately to be conscious of my interactions with the little one and how he views them ... I'm trying to consciously differentiate myself, but man, biological destiny is a bitch. I feel myself sliding into the same behaviors in reaction to her that I had as teen at home reacting to Mom. So the struggle continues.
The same cold fish, emotional manipulation when he does something she doesn't like (she thinks she's just being stern I guess ... ? and looking back, so did our Mom, probably? but we both know what it's like to be on the receiving end, and it's pretty damaging) I want to laugh derisively at her, and cry bitterly for him every time she does it.
The same use of physical infirmities (real or imagined, or just simply ... um ... enhanced?) to influence behavior, even in public settings. Nothing like making a 4 year old feel guilty for hurting Mama.
The same same same same physical body. Every time I see her sit herself on the end of the couch with that "wince" and the spread knees to "accommodate" her physical ailments, I flash back to those last years of Mom's. The same sickly sagging jowls, unhealthy skin tone, and ugly look on her mouth. I expect to look up and see a wild tangle of gray unkempt hair. When her doctor told her she didn't look good I knew EXACTLY what he meant. She looks like Mom before Mom died. According to her she's DOING. THE. BEST. SHE. CAN. but we all know that for the lie it is. I keep wanting to challenge her to tell me ONE thing she's doing to make herself "better," but I know she can't come up with one, or not a realistic one, while those around her could cite chapter and verse of what she's doing that's harming her health, so ...
And that same sense of selfish bitterness and resentment at the time involved in being a parent. Beyond the normal frustrations and inconveniences. He's already begun to notice it, just as we did ... Yeah, parenthood, especially in her case, was a CHOICE. As was the other half of the parenthood equation. The fact that she resents it now reflects on no one but her, and is, again, tragically funny.
Anyhoo, if there's anything destined to make me make an effort to take care of myself, and try desperately to be conscious of my interactions with the little one and how he views them ... I'm trying to consciously differentiate myself, but man, biological destiny is a bitch. I feel myself sliding into the same behaviors in reaction to her that I had as teen at home reacting to Mom. So the struggle continues.