(no subject)
I don't know what's wrong with me this week. It takes only a few hours after Nic has left for me to start crying again. I'm a mess. I thought I had overcome it and now I'm not eating properly again. I look and feel like shit. If I was Nic I wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. I'm literally falling apart.
I am putting all my trust in this weekend. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm sick of doing things. I need some physical and emotional rehabilitation. I want to cuddle with my baby and watch videos and make out and just do nothing which I am sure will make everything okay. And then a new chapter in my life will begin. I can tie up loose ends. Move to Newcastle. Find a new, interesting job. Spend time getting to know Nic better and making him happy. I have things to look forward to. Learning to drive. Hot hot heat. Jordy's birthday weekend. My family visiting. Fantomas. Summer. Saving money. Going away together. Getting our own place for just us.
I have always been a focused and organised person. Recently all my motivation has vanished. I am letting myself rot. I almost don't care... but I do recognise what is happening. I just need some distraction to get back on track. I worked so fucking hard to get here and I'm stumbling backwards like you wouldn't believe. I always manage to pull myself back up but this time I need help.
Do you know that a stupid SVU episode last night pushed me over the edge and I felt like I was drowning in memories? I had horrible dreams last night about my father... but everytime I woke up, Nic was there holding me. Now I am all by myself and the only comfort I can find has been my worst enemy for the past 5 years. I still feel disgusted and humiliated and I hate myself right now.
I expected just to vent this and not post it. But I don't feel any shame like I thought I would. I feel kinda relieved. Like if people read this then maybe I wont be alone and there is a chance that I will resurface unscathed.
I am putting all my trust in this weekend. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm sick of doing things. I need some physical and emotional rehabilitation. I want to cuddle with my baby and watch videos and make out and just do nothing which I am sure will make everything okay. And then a new chapter in my life will begin. I can tie up loose ends. Move to Newcastle. Find a new, interesting job. Spend time getting to know Nic better and making him happy. I have things to look forward to. Learning to drive. Hot hot heat. Jordy's birthday weekend. My family visiting. Fantomas. Summer. Saving money. Going away together. Getting our own place for just us.
I have always been a focused and organised person. Recently all my motivation has vanished. I am letting myself rot. I almost don't care... but I do recognise what is happening. I just need some distraction to get back on track. I worked so fucking hard to get here and I'm stumbling backwards like you wouldn't believe. I always manage to pull myself back up but this time I need help.
Do you know that a stupid SVU episode last night pushed me over the edge and I felt like I was drowning in memories? I had horrible dreams last night about my father... but everytime I woke up, Nic was there holding me. Now I am all by myself and the only comfort I can find has been my worst enemy for the past 5 years. I still feel disgusted and humiliated and I hate myself right now.
I expected just to vent this and not post it. But I don't feel any shame like I thought I would. I feel kinda relieved. Like if people read this then maybe I wont be alone and there is a chance that I will resurface unscathed.