Continuity
LIFEPOST
I GUESS
FIF and I haven't really been speaking for the last... three or four weeks. Seems like our wakeful periods have been completely out of sync - we finished watching Rick and Morty, then within the next week we tried watching Whiplash which has a huge asshole of a character as a teacher to the drummer protagonist, and she had a panic attack because he reminded her of her boss, and she's had a lot of anxiety related to work and him, so. Not that us talking less and that are related, really. But we concluded "yeah, maybe we'll watch the rest of this another day when you've calmed down", and it's been literal weeks of not doing that, let alone talking...
Lately it's bugged me a bit that she really only talks to me about her problems. Either that or she falls asleep in her chair so it's not like we can have substantive conversation, and I tend to start dinner the hour or two before she passes out, which removes opportunity. Plus her school/sleep cycle.
I dunno if I'm upset. I feel inklings of the relationship with my ex, inklings of feeling ignored, maybe. But it's hard to justify the butthurt when we're not really in a relationship? It feels like relationship dissipation, but the importance is insinuated rather than proven? It feels a bit shitty. I guess saying this puts it into perspective for me, making me realize, that I miss talking to her. But I dunno how much because there are other factors, plus, you know, her only dumping problems on me when we actually do talk. So mostly I feel... avoiding? Accepting but jaded of things being like this. Kind of pissy, y'know? Like, masochistic. "GOOD, I'm glad I'm disappointed and everything is a mild let-down."
Which leads into the other thing: Just feeling shitty and anxious all the time. I stay up because I put off bed, afraid of waking up and dealing with more life. Then work is a chore because I'm kind of tired, and I'm more hungry because of less sleep, I assume, and that stomach lightness that comes with general anxiety. I got my music stuff out, everything's basically hooked up, I have FL Studio and Cubase, but it's just... discouraging any amount of motivation I had a week ago, and that's gone now, by the mere fact that it's slightly complicated and I have to learn and get readjusted to DAWs, or learn how to record things properly. I have new RAM and a hard drive hooked up, so that's a minor accomplishment I guess. I'm keeping up the tradition of youtube, reddit, facebook, twitch, to numb my brain with routine and not doing anything, perpetually. It's fucking lame but I'm getting used to my job and I'm dying again. The cycle begins anew. :( Seems to happen with each job, now that I have the experience of three of them that appears to be the trend.
Dunno, man.
I GUESS
FIF and I haven't really been speaking for the last... three or four weeks. Seems like our wakeful periods have been completely out of sync - we finished watching Rick and Morty, then within the next week we tried watching Whiplash which has a huge asshole of a character as a teacher to the drummer protagonist, and she had a panic attack because he reminded her of her boss, and she's had a lot of anxiety related to work and him, so. Not that us talking less and that are related, really. But we concluded "yeah, maybe we'll watch the rest of this another day when you've calmed down", and it's been literal weeks of not doing that, let alone talking...
Lately it's bugged me a bit that she really only talks to me about her problems. Either that or she falls asleep in her chair so it's not like we can have substantive conversation, and I tend to start dinner the hour or two before she passes out, which removes opportunity. Plus her school/sleep cycle.
I dunno if I'm upset. I feel inklings of the relationship with my ex, inklings of feeling ignored, maybe. But it's hard to justify the butthurt when we're not really in a relationship? It feels like relationship dissipation, but the importance is insinuated rather than proven? It feels a bit shitty. I guess saying this puts it into perspective for me, making me realize, that I miss talking to her. But I dunno how much because there are other factors, plus, you know, her only dumping problems on me when we actually do talk. So mostly I feel... avoiding? Accepting but jaded of things being like this. Kind of pissy, y'know? Like, masochistic. "GOOD, I'm glad I'm disappointed and everything is a mild let-down."
Which leads into the other thing: Just feeling shitty and anxious all the time. I stay up because I put off bed, afraid of waking up and dealing with more life. Then work is a chore because I'm kind of tired, and I'm more hungry because of less sleep, I assume, and that stomach lightness that comes with general anxiety. I got my music stuff out, everything's basically hooked up, I have FL Studio and Cubase, but it's just... discouraging any amount of motivation I had a week ago, and that's gone now, by the mere fact that it's slightly complicated and I have to learn and get readjusted to DAWs, or learn how to record things properly. I have new RAM and a hard drive hooked up, so that's a minor accomplishment I guess. I'm keeping up the tradition of youtube, reddit, facebook, twitch, to numb my brain with routine and not doing anything, perpetually. It's fucking lame but I'm getting used to my job and I'm dying again. The cycle begins anew. :( Seems to happen with each job, now that I have the experience of three of them that appears to be the trend.
Dunno, man.