Dreams
Dreams...
I had a false awakening the other night. Clear as a bell. It felt like my body was under more gravity than it should have been, but I managed to open my eyes and sit up a bit. The first thing I felt was intense fear that I had overslept, so I looked over at the clock and the numbers were shifting and wavering. I had the good sense to take a look at my fingers at that point, which were likewise shifting and wavering, but I didn't become fully lucid at the point. Hell, there wasn't any time to think about it, had to get my ass to work after all. So the house has become some kind of sci-fi wunderhaus; palatial in its expanse and filled with odd rooms and cool technology. There is this crazy elevator system that hooked into every room. Like the retail room where presumably you could select an item and pay via cred chip. Stacks of board games and miscellany. I realized when it started that this wasn't the first time I had been here. The wunderhaus has now officially taken the place of the university I used to end up in, the one where Thing from the Adams family manned the kitchen and the sports complex was the Colosseum. The house also has a stable and vast grounds. The last time I came here there was one horse who became belligerent as I passed it, but I was able to fend it off. This time the stable hands had to intervene, and afterwards we hung out in the stables and talked. I don't know what it means. But my dream work is starting to show some encouraging progress. Next time I should be able to take control.
Lately I've been working on altering my internal monologue. For a long time now it's sounded pretty much like this: self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear...
How the hell am I supposed to feel good if that shit is playing through my head 24/7?! How is anyone?! So I've been slowly replacing those elements with corresponding positives and I've already started to see an improvement. The NLP CDs are helping a ton with that too.
Interesting things on the life side. I'm now 100% (bad)debt free, for real this time. No more fucking wolves! Fuck the wolves and fuck whatever delusionary pride made me think there was something noble in fucking myself. Got a loan and bought myself a beautiful 2004 Civic. The car, and the Tom Tom I got for xmas, are the only reasons I'm feeling any kind of physical freedom at this point. The most important thing is that I'll be able to drive up to Albany and help moms out a bit more. I've also started playing a D&D game with some cool guys in downtown D.C., which is turning out to be extremely uplifting. It's means more than I can say to have some people to spend time with after 5 months of solitude. It's not like they're my best buddies or anything but it's taking the edge off a bit. Beats slowly going mad with self-pity in your father's basement. ~_^ Fuck it hurts.
I miss Portland. Being here, going through the solitude and the introspection, makes me realize exactly how amazing my friends are and how much I'd taken everything for granted (a bit cliche, but its true). It looks as if a lot of the people I love will head up to the north west eventually. Once my path here has come to its end I'll be on the first plane back home. I've thought about going back every single day, and I've thought about it hard, but I know it's not time yet. Not until I've seen this thing through. There are still more layers of old tough skin to peel off.
I had a false awakening the other night. Clear as a bell. It felt like my body was under more gravity than it should have been, but I managed to open my eyes and sit up a bit. The first thing I felt was intense fear that I had overslept, so I looked over at the clock and the numbers were shifting and wavering. I had the good sense to take a look at my fingers at that point, which were likewise shifting and wavering, but I didn't become fully lucid at the point. Hell, there wasn't any time to think about it, had to get my ass to work after all. So the house has become some kind of sci-fi wunderhaus; palatial in its expanse and filled with odd rooms and cool technology. There is this crazy elevator system that hooked into every room. Like the retail room where presumably you could select an item and pay via cred chip. Stacks of board games and miscellany. I realized when it started that this wasn't the first time I had been here. The wunderhaus has now officially taken the place of the university I used to end up in, the one where Thing from the Adams family manned the kitchen and the sports complex was the Colosseum. The house also has a stable and vast grounds. The last time I came here there was one horse who became belligerent as I passed it, but I was able to fend it off. This time the stable hands had to intervene, and afterwards we hung out in the stables and talked. I don't know what it means. But my dream work is starting to show some encouraging progress. Next time I should be able to take control.
Lately I've been working on altering my internal monologue. For a long time now it's sounded pretty much like this: self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear, self-doubt, worry, fear, self-doubt, self-deprication, worry, fear...
How the hell am I supposed to feel good if that shit is playing through my head 24/7?! How is anyone?! So I've been slowly replacing those elements with corresponding positives and I've already started to see an improvement. The NLP CDs are helping a ton with that too.
Interesting things on the life side. I'm now 100% (bad)debt free, for real this time. No more fucking wolves! Fuck the wolves and fuck whatever delusionary pride made me think there was something noble in fucking myself. Got a loan and bought myself a beautiful 2004 Civic. The car, and the Tom Tom I got for xmas, are the only reasons I'm feeling any kind of physical freedom at this point. The most important thing is that I'll be able to drive up to Albany and help moms out a bit more. I've also started playing a D&D game with some cool guys in downtown D.C., which is turning out to be extremely uplifting. It's means more than I can say to have some people to spend time with after 5 months of solitude. It's not like they're my best buddies or anything but it's taking the edge off a bit. Beats slowly going mad with self-pity in your father's basement. ~_^ Fuck it hurts.
I miss Portland. Being here, going through the solitude and the introspection, makes me realize exactly how amazing my friends are and how much I'd taken everything for granted (a bit cliche, but its true). It looks as if a lot of the people I love will head up to the north west eventually. Once my path here has come to its end I'll be on the first plane back home. I've thought about going back every single day, and I've thought about it hard, but I know it's not time yet. Not until I've seen this thing through. There are still more layers of old tough skin to peel off.