It's New...
So Joe Menos book *Hairstyles Of The Damned* could very easily be the biography of my high school days. I won't go into detail of comparisons up and down, back and fourth and in and out of how the book mirrors my life to a very scary degree but it's there. If you haven't read the book, go pick it up. Metal head turned *punk rocker*, the Misfits, having ackward sexual encounters with your close female friend, yadda yadda, even the years the book takes place in is the exact years in which I was in high school, and the fact that his first *punk* show was 7 Seconds...just freaky.
If my old school nostalgic brain wasn't in full gear when I woke up a few days ago, by the time I finished the book last night my mind was COMPLETELY somewhere else. I was seriously transported back 11-14 years. It was like my current life dissolved from around me and I was back in high school. I turned off the lights in me room and just relaxed and have a weird vibration flowing thru my body. I thought back to all of my high school experiences and days and remembered who and what I used to be. I learned a thing or two about why I became who I am today and I also remembered what it was that people liked about me back then and tried to figire out how I lost that aspect of my life and some of the things with it.
I know my words don't justify or properly express what I went thru last night and how NOT in my body I was. My mind is still a bit foggy from it all today.
I really have no clue as to what I am going thru these last few days to a week. It's been a clear vivid rush of my past into my heart and mind. I miss people I shouldn't and that's a bad thing...but on the other hand I am remembering what it's like to be young again and I really really think I lost that. Wonder, desire, lust and love, fear and rejection, music as a mind altering mind blowing life changing entity, friendships and enemies (real or perceived) living in the moment and bringing the hammer to the fight. I remember it all and it's flowing thru my veins. Somehow, at least for now, the apathy and the worry and jaded and feeling as if nothing is new anymore has washed away from and off of me. I feel quite reborn. I feel like I am back to that pre-smoking, per-drinking person I was back then. (REALLY I didn't smoke and drink in high school) Women and sex to me seem really new and interesting and scary and mysterious to me again. Something to explore again. That hand up the shirt...moving from the smooth side, over to the belly...inching so slowly, so unsure, up toward the bra...that painfully long moment where you first go for the button and zipper on the pants wondering if you'll be stopped. that static charge in the air where you are just hovering close to someone wondering if you can kiss her, if she wants to kiss you...
I'm sure this may vanish at any given moment, but that's how I feel in the here and now. I'm sure I'll be driving down the highway and see a nasty accident and bodies being lifted from a demolished vehicle and not give a second thought to it. I'm sure when it comes high time I'll just push that woman down on the bed and belt buckles will his the floor before you can blink your eye. I'll hear about murder and rape and tragedies on the news and just look on with a glassy eyed gaze that seems to look THRU the television and not at it, remote in one hand and cigarette in the other. I'll be throwing down my usual 30-40 beers on any given weekend and nodding my head in all the right places during some painful small talk scenario in a bar all the while thinking *Are we going back to my place to fuck or what?*
But not yet anyhow. I still have all that other stuff, the old stuff, the newness of it all back , the feeling we have a brief encounter with on the first day of spring where you can roll down the window in your car and turn up the radio, a slight spring dampness in the airand you get that pang of love...I know you know what I am talking about...and it's fucking a beautiful thing man.
-Rob.
If my old school nostalgic brain wasn't in full gear when I woke up a few days ago, by the time I finished the book last night my mind was COMPLETELY somewhere else. I was seriously transported back 11-14 years. It was like my current life dissolved from around me and I was back in high school. I turned off the lights in me room and just relaxed and have a weird vibration flowing thru my body. I thought back to all of my high school experiences and days and remembered who and what I used to be. I learned a thing or two about why I became who I am today and I also remembered what it was that people liked about me back then and tried to figire out how I lost that aspect of my life and some of the things with it.
I know my words don't justify or properly express what I went thru last night and how NOT in my body I was. My mind is still a bit foggy from it all today.
I really have no clue as to what I am going thru these last few days to a week. It's been a clear vivid rush of my past into my heart and mind. I miss people I shouldn't and that's a bad thing...but on the other hand I am remembering what it's like to be young again and I really really think I lost that. Wonder, desire, lust and love, fear and rejection, music as a mind altering mind blowing life changing entity, friendships and enemies (real or perceived) living in the moment and bringing the hammer to the fight. I remember it all and it's flowing thru my veins. Somehow, at least for now, the apathy and the worry and jaded and feeling as if nothing is new anymore has washed away from and off of me. I feel quite reborn. I feel like I am back to that pre-smoking, per-drinking person I was back then. (REALLY I didn't smoke and drink in high school) Women and sex to me seem really new and interesting and scary and mysterious to me again. Something to explore again. That hand up the shirt...moving from the smooth side, over to the belly...inching so slowly, so unsure, up toward the bra...that painfully long moment where you first go for the button and zipper on the pants wondering if you'll be stopped. that static charge in the air where you are just hovering close to someone wondering if you can kiss her, if she wants to kiss you...
I'm sure this may vanish at any given moment, but that's how I feel in the here and now. I'm sure I'll be driving down the highway and see a nasty accident and bodies being lifted from a demolished vehicle and not give a second thought to it. I'm sure when it comes high time I'll just push that woman down on the bed and belt buckles will his the floor before you can blink your eye. I'll hear about murder and rape and tragedies on the news and just look on with a glassy eyed gaze that seems to look THRU the television and not at it, remote in one hand and cigarette in the other. I'll be throwing down my usual 30-40 beers on any given weekend and nodding my head in all the right places during some painful small talk scenario in a bar all the while thinking *Are we going back to my place to fuck or what?*
But not yet anyhow. I still have all that other stuff, the old stuff, the newness of it all back , the feeling we have a brief encounter with on the first day of spring where you can roll down the window in your car and turn up the radio, a slight spring dampness in the airand you get that pang of love...I know you know what I am talking about...and it's fucking a beautiful thing man.
-Rob.