B B or not B B...
I don't know what is up with me this past week or so. My *bed* time is inching more and more toward the retarded. I was up again all night reading (or what I assumed was reading, I found out that I really only made a 30 page dent in my book) and I finally fell asleep at around quarter to 10...this morning. In true Rob like fashion here it is at about 12:30...yeah two and a half hours of sleep. For all intents and purposes, I'm awake. Everyone and their mother knows my problems with sleep. It just used to be that I would get 4-5 hours or so, normalcy for me would have been go to bed at around 2AM and get up at 6 or 7. Now the bedtime hour has shifted to the morning hours and I am waking up more and more in the early afternoon and getting less and less hours of sleep. I suppose the best way to describe myself and my life lately that is I am walking in a haze. I don't know if it's my body somehow compensating for lack of sleep by running in a very limited functional mode or what. It's like I'm living in a dream except it's just about the most boring mundane dream you could imagine. To throw a bunch of useless metaphors at you it's like...I'm running in safe-made...The world is getting Rob-lite...Rob currently has less carbs...My life is now out in Cliff Notes...I'm the shareware version...blah blah blah.
The only *spark* from me was Sunday. I was at my Dads and somehow we got onto the *desert island* like topic of *Top 10 greatest Rock songs*. We both sat there with our mounting collection of empty Rolling Rocks and lists in hand and proceeded to have a lengthy discussion on the topic. That moved to album covers and then to photography where I just unloaded on my excessive knowledge of terms and theorys of photography and maybe had a hint of joy and enthusiasm in my voice knowing that every word of my tech geek talk on the subject was completely understood. He unlocked something in me that day. A something that used to be just the everyday me. I also visited a friend out at his work Sunday. He works for at a *gaming* shop. THAT triggered in me the high-school geek that loved role-playing games. It reached deep deep down and accessed knowledge I thought I had long lost. High school was an interesting time for me (as it was for all) but I walked that insanely difficult line of being a weekend nerd to the max with my *Dungeons and Dragons* friends. Making the yearly trek to *Gen-con* hanging out in the Comic book shops having the age long debates about which super heros could kick which super heros asses...Marvel Vs. DC...and the other side of it who was the guy who skated to school on occasion, put the board in his locker and looked at it inbetween classes longing to just grab the deck, cut class and lose myself in a day of hitting the curbs. My skateboarding friends hated the gaming friends and vice versa. Each complaining that the other took up too much of my time. What you have to realize is that NEITHER of the two things was cool when I was in High School. We're talking high school years before 1993 the *Year that punk broke* There was no hot topic no *punk rock* on the radio. Either which way, you pretty much got your ass kicked for associating with one or the other. The mocking calls of *Skate or Die DUDE!!!* from the jocks passing by in their cars. Whatever, back then if I could have driven my mustang with skate stickers plastered all over it while somehow fashioning 20 sided dice into valve caps on my tires...Well I could have been a happy dude. Unfortunately skateboarding ended up winning out, girls ended up killing any excessive interest in anything and by my senior year in high school I had ingratiated myself in with just about everyone...even the jocks and *popular* people despite my *nerd* or *skateboarding* persona. People just accepted me as an alright guy...but even then I still got my share of *I'm going to kick your ass Ocampo* threats. Meh, that'll happen when you were a skinny kid with a big mouth and a sharp tongue and when your *popular* girls start taking notice to someone who isn't in the *in* crowd....I severely digress.
So, Sunday with my Dad opening up one door in my head and with my old friend Dave opening another I was more than social and ready for anything...so I got a call from a girl who I've been flat out blowing off for forever and a day and actually 1.) Answered her phone call and 2.) Agreed to do something with her.
I thought *O.k. Rob boy, you've made a shift and you're breaking out of the slump, welcome back to life*
You have to understand this girl tho. I met her at a bar. She was friendly to me and showed alot of interest and for me in the last year or so, getting my phone number out of me is the equivalent or anyone elses getting a person into bed. So she got my number, I hung with her once and then just totally slammed all doors on her. I'm sorry maybe I'm a snob of some sorts. Some people won't date a person because they have some small hang up. *He's too hairy* *Her tits are too small* *He has a weird shaped head* *She talks funny*...ets...my thing is...*She's an intellectual half-wit*. AND that just happens to be teh case with this girl. The extent of her cranial workings is close to this...*Beer...FUN!!* *Boys...CUTE!*...*Dancing...FUN!!* So she shows up at my place after calling you...I swear...no less than 10 times to get directions from me...and I turn into a guy...give her the up and down...cute face and a body that would have brought a tear to Michaelangelos eye...damn near perfection and I'm thinking to myself...*O.k. Rob, flip on the primal part of your brain and start thinking *Girl...FUN!...Bed...FUN!...Door...SEE YOU LATER!!* But alas nope...I just couldn't do it at all. The girl has a collective IQ of the objects I would find in my junk drawer and for some strange fucked up reason because of that I couldn't even begin to semi-flirt with her (even in a drunken state) because of this. Her complete lack of intelligence was a total turn off. I honestly don't even think I could have gotten in the mood to sleep with her or fool around with her if I wanted to, because of her lack of anything semi-intelligent to say. I suppose you can guess that her calls will go unanswered again.
Whatever, I don't even know what got me going on about all of this. I was just sitting down to write something or other, my original intention has long left the building. I think what happened here was that during the course of this I have been having my first pot of coffee. *Coffee...FUN!!*
Jesus, what I think I am trying to get at is that I need the intellectual challenge. A creative challenge. I'm not being an egotist or full of myself...but that's what I think happened with Photography...I lost the interest in it, the challenge began to become less and less. THe head of the COD department told me just a few weeks after I picked up a damn camera that I had a natural talent for it and in all honesty, College was one big ass kissing session from faculty and other students. I passes every course (every single class an *A*) without much effort. Shit, half the time I didn't do half the assignments and still received A's in the classes. I got away with ALOT of shit based on my shooting. If it wasn't such an ego fest I may have even dropped out in that. Doing magazine interviews, a gallery show, having new papers calling me for interviews about said gallery show, shooting night clubs, having my work hang then in said night clubs...VIP access to said clubs because they wanted me to shoot...even if it was, in the grand scheme of things, small fries, it was a head trip and THEN I went and started blowing off the phone calls from the clubs who wanted me to shoot promo shit for their clubs and the like. Bah, I just lost interest. I suppose I lack that gene in me that pushes for greatness. Once I realize I CAN do something and do it well...I want to move on to the next thing. Fear of success? Maybe. Fear of any sort of attention that exceeds a classroom or friend environment? Probably. I would make the worlds WORST famous person. I LIKE the recognition...it's just that I want to enjoy it from the back of the room. Please don't pull me front and center, leave the spotlight off of me. I was the same way with band shit. Play music, record it, have people listen to it, tell me it's cool, or good...but that moment I have to go up on stage...BLAH! Especially if I am the vocalist. TOO front and center for me thanx. If I am going to go on stage...lemme play my guitar off in the corner of the stage...do my guitar wiggle and dance. I want my work to dictate the attention not my personality to dictate my work. So yeah, inevitably I shut off from it at some point...or with the case stated above...with music...write a bunch of cool songs, play a show, get good feedback, o.k. stop the tape, cut the film, I've accomplished that...game over, NEXT! Just like relationships...I do suppose I fell into loving the chase more than the relationship at one point.
Hmmm...maybe THAT'S my thing. a fear of having to back up and make good on my run to the top. To justify the attention. Get out of the game before the flaw can be seen. Quit while I'm ahead and before failure is even a possibility. I think I have a problem with thinking that people DO look over mistakes, that it;s o.k. to be a failure in life from time to time and in all of that I've become stagnant...I mean you can't fail if you don't try right? But in taking that stance to heart I have probably failed more that I ever would have in life if I had just taken risks and put fourth the effort in things...it's just that it has a different feel and slant on it. People are disappointed and frustrated in my inactivity...not as a direct result of me putting out a shitty product or failing at somthing I love.
Art has always been VERY personal to me. Criticize my art and I ALWAYS took it as a personl attack. I could never get down the cold part of art. I never got that attitude of *If you think my art sucks, then it's YOUR opinion that it does and well poo on you.* I got to that *Why don't they like it, where did *I* go wrong? and that would lead to a mini-depression on the subject at hand and I would begin to think that maybe I DO suck at this. AND regardless of that all, I would never play the ass kissing game. I just can't do it. Couldn't sell myself. I suck at job interviews for that. I think *I can definitely do this job...let my work speak for me* but that's just not how it works. I am definitely a person that speak more thru actions and unfortunately my action have been inaction a lot of the time...and I DO suppose that speaks volumes.
Anyhow...I didn't mean to write this much.
Enough.
Love and Inaction,
Robert John.
P.S. YES I know the entry is mistake riddled. My hands were trying to keep up with my mind and quite honestly I don't give a shit about the typos, grammatical ignorance nor the spelling mistakes...DEAL.
The only *spark* from me was Sunday. I was at my Dads and somehow we got onto the *desert island* like topic of *Top 10 greatest Rock songs*. We both sat there with our mounting collection of empty Rolling Rocks and lists in hand and proceeded to have a lengthy discussion on the topic. That moved to album covers and then to photography where I just unloaded on my excessive knowledge of terms and theorys of photography and maybe had a hint of joy and enthusiasm in my voice knowing that every word of my tech geek talk on the subject was completely understood. He unlocked something in me that day. A something that used to be just the everyday me. I also visited a friend out at his work Sunday. He works for at a *gaming* shop. THAT triggered in me the high-school geek that loved role-playing games. It reached deep deep down and accessed knowledge I thought I had long lost. High school was an interesting time for me (as it was for all) but I walked that insanely difficult line of being a weekend nerd to the max with my *Dungeons and Dragons* friends. Making the yearly trek to *Gen-con* hanging out in the Comic book shops having the age long debates about which super heros could kick which super heros asses...Marvel Vs. DC...and the other side of it who was the guy who skated to school on occasion, put the board in his locker and looked at it inbetween classes longing to just grab the deck, cut class and lose myself in a day of hitting the curbs. My skateboarding friends hated the gaming friends and vice versa. Each complaining that the other took up too much of my time. What you have to realize is that NEITHER of the two things was cool when I was in High School. We're talking high school years before 1993 the *Year that punk broke* There was no hot topic no *punk rock* on the radio. Either which way, you pretty much got your ass kicked for associating with one or the other. The mocking calls of *Skate or Die DUDE!!!* from the jocks passing by in their cars. Whatever, back then if I could have driven my mustang with skate stickers plastered all over it while somehow fashioning 20 sided dice into valve caps on my tires...Well I could have been a happy dude. Unfortunately skateboarding ended up winning out, girls ended up killing any excessive interest in anything and by my senior year in high school I had ingratiated myself in with just about everyone...even the jocks and *popular* people despite my *nerd* or *skateboarding* persona. People just accepted me as an alright guy...but even then I still got my share of *I'm going to kick your ass Ocampo* threats. Meh, that'll happen when you were a skinny kid with a big mouth and a sharp tongue and when your *popular* girls start taking notice to someone who isn't in the *in* crowd....I severely digress.
So, Sunday with my Dad opening up one door in my head and with my old friend Dave opening another I was more than social and ready for anything...so I got a call from a girl who I've been flat out blowing off for forever and a day and actually 1.) Answered her phone call and 2.) Agreed to do something with her.
I thought *O.k. Rob boy, you've made a shift and you're breaking out of the slump, welcome back to life*
You have to understand this girl tho. I met her at a bar. She was friendly to me and showed alot of interest and for me in the last year or so, getting my phone number out of me is the equivalent or anyone elses getting a person into bed. So she got my number, I hung with her once and then just totally slammed all doors on her. I'm sorry maybe I'm a snob of some sorts. Some people won't date a person because they have some small hang up. *He's too hairy* *Her tits are too small* *He has a weird shaped head* *She talks funny*...ets...my thing is...*She's an intellectual half-wit*. AND that just happens to be teh case with this girl. The extent of her cranial workings is close to this...*Beer...FUN!!* *Boys...CUTE!*...*Dancing...FUN!!* So she shows up at my place after calling you...I swear...no less than 10 times to get directions from me...and I turn into a guy...give her the up and down...cute face and a body that would have brought a tear to Michaelangelos eye...damn near perfection and I'm thinking to myself...*O.k. Rob, flip on the primal part of your brain and start thinking *Girl...FUN!...Bed...FUN!...Door...SEE YOU LATER!!* But alas nope...I just couldn't do it at all. The girl has a collective IQ of the objects I would find in my junk drawer and for some strange fucked up reason because of that I couldn't even begin to semi-flirt with her (even in a drunken state) because of this. Her complete lack of intelligence was a total turn off. I honestly don't even think I could have gotten in the mood to sleep with her or fool around with her if I wanted to, because of her lack of anything semi-intelligent to say. I suppose you can guess that her calls will go unanswered again.
Whatever, I don't even know what got me going on about all of this. I was just sitting down to write something or other, my original intention has long left the building. I think what happened here was that during the course of this I have been having my first pot of coffee. *Coffee...FUN!!*
Jesus, what I think I am trying to get at is that I need the intellectual challenge. A creative challenge. I'm not being an egotist or full of myself...but that's what I think happened with Photography...I lost the interest in it, the challenge began to become less and less. THe head of the COD department told me just a few weeks after I picked up a damn camera that I had a natural talent for it and in all honesty, College was one big ass kissing session from faculty and other students. I passes every course (every single class an *A*) without much effort. Shit, half the time I didn't do half the assignments and still received A's in the classes. I got away with ALOT of shit based on my shooting. If it wasn't such an ego fest I may have even dropped out in that. Doing magazine interviews, a gallery show, having new papers calling me for interviews about said gallery show, shooting night clubs, having my work hang then in said night clubs...VIP access to said clubs because they wanted me to shoot...even if it was, in the grand scheme of things, small fries, it was a head trip and THEN I went and started blowing off the phone calls from the clubs who wanted me to shoot promo shit for their clubs and the like. Bah, I just lost interest. I suppose I lack that gene in me that pushes for greatness. Once I realize I CAN do something and do it well...I want to move on to the next thing. Fear of success? Maybe. Fear of any sort of attention that exceeds a classroom or friend environment? Probably. I would make the worlds WORST famous person. I LIKE the recognition...it's just that I want to enjoy it from the back of the room. Please don't pull me front and center, leave the spotlight off of me. I was the same way with band shit. Play music, record it, have people listen to it, tell me it's cool, or good...but that moment I have to go up on stage...BLAH! Especially if I am the vocalist. TOO front and center for me thanx. If I am going to go on stage...lemme play my guitar off in the corner of the stage...do my guitar wiggle and dance. I want my work to dictate the attention not my personality to dictate my work. So yeah, inevitably I shut off from it at some point...or with the case stated above...with music...write a bunch of cool songs, play a show, get good feedback, o.k. stop the tape, cut the film, I've accomplished that...game over, NEXT! Just like relationships...I do suppose I fell into loving the chase more than the relationship at one point.
Hmmm...maybe THAT'S my thing. a fear of having to back up and make good on my run to the top. To justify the attention. Get out of the game before the flaw can be seen. Quit while I'm ahead and before failure is even a possibility. I think I have a problem with thinking that people DO look over mistakes, that it;s o.k. to be a failure in life from time to time and in all of that I've become stagnant...I mean you can't fail if you don't try right? But in taking that stance to heart I have probably failed more that I ever would have in life if I had just taken risks and put fourth the effort in things...it's just that it has a different feel and slant on it. People are disappointed and frustrated in my inactivity...not as a direct result of me putting out a shitty product or failing at somthing I love.
Art has always been VERY personal to me. Criticize my art and I ALWAYS took it as a personl attack. I could never get down the cold part of art. I never got that attitude of *If you think my art sucks, then it's YOUR opinion that it does and well poo on you.* I got to that *Why don't they like it, where did *I* go wrong? and that would lead to a mini-depression on the subject at hand and I would begin to think that maybe I DO suck at this. AND regardless of that all, I would never play the ass kissing game. I just can't do it. Couldn't sell myself. I suck at job interviews for that. I think *I can definitely do this job...let my work speak for me* but that's just not how it works. I am definitely a person that speak more thru actions and unfortunately my action have been inaction a lot of the time...and I DO suppose that speaks volumes.
Anyhow...I didn't mean to write this much.
Enough.
Love and Inaction,
Robert John.
P.S. YES I know the entry is mistake riddled. My hands were trying to keep up with my mind and quite honestly I don't give a shit about the typos, grammatical ignorance nor the spelling mistakes...DEAL.