V2's Apartment - ( private )
There was so much to think about. V2 was laying on his small futon in his apartment, just staring up at the ceiling. He had talked to several people about what had happened, sometimes the things people said seemed to help but sometimes it just stirred up other emotions.
There were so many emotions. Sometimes he wish he never learned how to feel.
First of course, there was depression. To him, this meant he wasn't good enough. Yet again. Enzan and he had talked about getting a new Net Operator before but even when V2 had played out the idea in his head, it didn't feel right. He really wanted to be first and not be in someone's shadow. Another Blues. But it didn't seem like that would happen so he was fine with trying to help Enzan.
He wanted to help him. He didn't want to give up. It was hard because it seemed like what V2 felt like he himself needed, only hurt Enzan in the long run. Before Enzan, V2's Net Op was a little older and could handle more. V2 had to keep reminding himself of that. So if he could accept that fact and be understanding to it, V2 could wait. He would help out with Enzan when he could, of course, and in his free time if he trained on his own...it wouldn't put any extra pressure on Enzan and V2 could keep fresh on things. And possibly get better.
Of course, he was a little too eager for their last net battle.
There was also anger. With all the emotions, anger definitely had been part of this. He didn't understand Enzan's logic in letting him go. Part of him argued that how could Enzan decide what was best for V2? The flip side to things, that line of thinking made him feel hypocritical. But there were other things that angered him.
Enzan cutting him off like he did. Before when the subject came up, he offered to help V2 find someone else. So there was just being cut off completely on top of the fact that V2 didn't want to be with someone else.
Also, the concept of family. V2 didn't see Enzan as his friend with the way he had been constantly treated and left disappointed. He was expecting too much out of Enzan in that case. However, the NetOp and Navi relationship had still been just as important to V2. He was a Navi after all and that seemed to be one of the most important relationships a Navi could have. But the idea of family? That was something on its own.
He didn't exactly understand it but did try to find out what it meant. Answers were sometimes conflicting and different. It seemed to depend on the person to determine who was family and who wasn't. One thing he did understand was that it wasn't as simple as blood relation in animals or guardianship. He never had a problem with Enzan calling him his brother; the only real part that bothered him was the "little" that was often thrown in front of it. Maybe it was because he didn't understand this concept of "family" but the "little" term only seemed to rub salt in an existing wound. He couldn't hold it against Enzan as he never did tell Enzan that it bothered him. He mentioned it to Sparks but that doesn't change anything in the present.
But does that really matter now? And that was just with Enzan. Enzan had mentioned family as a whole, with those living in the household. That angered him too. There was Shuuseki. Someone V2 treated with respect and knew held authority over the household. Even though he might not agree with certain ideas that Shuuseki held, he wouldn't question them without good reason. For the most part he tried to keep distance from Shuuseki only because he didn't want to bother the man or become more of an annoyance to him. Then there was Dark Blues.
Who was he again?
V2 sat up and sighed to himself. He needed to figure out what to do with himself. One thing was for sure, he doubted he could ever work with another Net Operator. It would be too painful and it would be like starting all over again. Worrying about being good enough and worrying about the possibility of being let go again. He couldn't handle that.
But that's okay. He's his own person, right? That's what people kept pressing. So what does that mean exactly?
He wasn't good enough for Enzan. That's the strong impression he got. However, the way Blaze treated him now told him differently. The way Major had spoke to him so long ago told him differently! That's right! That's why he looked into training to begin with. To become better.
Though, now, he no longer had Enzan to better himself for. Who did that leave, then? Midnight was his best friend but their relationship was strong for who they were. V2 didn’t need to become better for Midnight. It was just enough to be how he was now. He could also say the same thing about his girlfriend. He was good enough the way he was.
So here, V2 had set the bar to Blaze's standards ( as Blaze has high standards! ) wanting to reach that bar. If he could reach that bar, V2 knew he would then be good enough for Enzan. He knew, he would be good enough.
Then, a realization.
All this wasn't only about protecting Enzan. No. It was making himself better. V2 wanted to become better. Enzan was who he was helping but Enzan wasn't the one asking V2 to do better. V2 was trying to get himself to do better because he wanted to. If it were only about protecting Enzan, then he would have simply broke contact with Blaze. Yes. V2 still wanted to do better, to become better.
With Enzan gone, that left himself.
Even if he had no one to protect, this was about proving himself. To himself. To no longer be in someone's shadow.
But now, there was one minor problem. With this, V2...or Blues?...headed to the Nexus.
There were so many emotions. Sometimes he wish he never learned how to feel.
First of course, there was depression. To him, this meant he wasn't good enough. Yet again. Enzan and he had talked about getting a new Net Operator before but even when V2 had played out the idea in his head, it didn't feel right. He really wanted to be first and not be in someone's shadow. Another Blues. But it didn't seem like that would happen so he was fine with trying to help Enzan.
He wanted to help him. He didn't want to give up. It was hard because it seemed like what V2 felt like he himself needed, only hurt Enzan in the long run. Before Enzan, V2's Net Op was a little older and could handle more. V2 had to keep reminding himself of that. So if he could accept that fact and be understanding to it, V2 could wait. He would help out with Enzan when he could, of course, and in his free time if he trained on his own...it wouldn't put any extra pressure on Enzan and V2 could keep fresh on things. And possibly get better.
Of course, he was a little too eager for their last net battle.
There was also anger. With all the emotions, anger definitely had been part of this. He didn't understand Enzan's logic in letting him go. Part of him argued that how could Enzan decide what was best for V2? The flip side to things, that line of thinking made him feel hypocritical. But there were other things that angered him.
Enzan cutting him off like he did. Before when the subject came up, he offered to help V2 find someone else. So there was just being cut off completely on top of the fact that V2 didn't want to be with someone else.
Also, the concept of family. V2 didn't see Enzan as his friend with the way he had been constantly treated and left disappointed. He was expecting too much out of Enzan in that case. However, the NetOp and Navi relationship had still been just as important to V2. He was a Navi after all and that seemed to be one of the most important relationships a Navi could have. But the idea of family? That was something on its own.
He didn't exactly understand it but did try to find out what it meant. Answers were sometimes conflicting and different. It seemed to depend on the person to determine who was family and who wasn't. One thing he did understand was that it wasn't as simple as blood relation in animals or guardianship. He never had a problem with Enzan calling him his brother; the only real part that bothered him was the "little" that was often thrown in front of it. Maybe it was because he didn't understand this concept of "family" but the "little" term only seemed to rub salt in an existing wound. He couldn't hold it against Enzan as he never did tell Enzan that it bothered him. He mentioned it to Sparks but that doesn't change anything in the present.
But does that really matter now? And that was just with Enzan. Enzan had mentioned family as a whole, with those living in the household. That angered him too. There was Shuuseki. Someone V2 treated with respect and knew held authority over the household. Even though he might not agree with certain ideas that Shuuseki held, he wouldn't question them without good reason. For the most part he tried to keep distance from Shuuseki only because he didn't want to bother the man or become more of an annoyance to him. Then there was Dark Blues.
Who was he again?
V2 sat up and sighed to himself. He needed to figure out what to do with himself. One thing was for sure, he doubted he could ever work with another Net Operator. It would be too painful and it would be like starting all over again. Worrying about being good enough and worrying about the possibility of being let go again. He couldn't handle that.
But that's okay. He's his own person, right? That's what people kept pressing. So what does that mean exactly?
He wasn't good enough for Enzan. That's the strong impression he got. However, the way Blaze treated him now told him differently. The way Major had spoke to him so long ago told him differently! That's right! That's why he looked into training to begin with. To become better.
Though, now, he no longer had Enzan to better himself for. Who did that leave, then? Midnight was his best friend but their relationship was strong for who they were. V2 didn’t need to become better for Midnight. It was just enough to be how he was now. He could also say the same thing about his girlfriend. He was good enough the way he was.
So here, V2 had set the bar to Blaze's standards ( as Blaze has high standards! ) wanting to reach that bar. If he could reach that bar, V2 knew he would then be good enough for Enzan. He knew, he would be good enough.
Then, a realization.
All this wasn't only about protecting Enzan. No. It was making himself better. V2 wanted to become better. Enzan was who he was helping but Enzan wasn't the one asking V2 to do better. V2 was trying to get himself to do better because he wanted to. If it were only about protecting Enzan, then he would have simply broke contact with Blaze. Yes. V2 still wanted to do better, to become better.
With Enzan gone, that left himself.
Even if he had no one to protect, this was about proving himself. To himself. To no longer be in someone's shadow.
But now, there was one minor problem. With this, V2...or Blues?...headed to the Nexus.