(no subject)
A story of a conversation that showed how much of a fool I was being, and opened my eyes in more ways than one.
Fingolfin stood beneath the shadows of the trees. Sunlight etched the world in gold, and highlighted the crest of the ridge that ran along his path. His fingers traced the curve of his bow. A quiver rested against his hip, but he had yet to draw and notch an arrow. They had ventured into the forest to hunt, but both knew that it was just an excuse to wander in the woods.
The half-elf stood a little further down the path, hunched over as he studied the tracks pressed into the surface of the hard dirt track they followed. After a moment he shook his head and stood.
"These tracks are old. Too old, really, for any hope of prey."
Fingolfin moved out from under the trees into the blazing light, glancing at Rhe. "It is probably better that way."
An easy grin crossed Rhe's face. "We could have at least made a pretense of hunting, you know."
Fingolfin smiled slightly as Rhe began to walk down the path once more. He followed, studying the half-elf, wondering.
It had taken him a few days to grow so comfortable to Rhe's presence. He still found it disconcerting to look at Rhe and see his elvish inheritance, and know that it was not the same that flowed in his own veins. But Rhe's easy manner and deeply ingrained sense of humor had set Fingolfin at ease, and in the space of a couple of weeks, they had formed a bond of friendship.
"Besides," Rhe said, stopping beside a boulder and casting his pack down beside it, before leaning back against the warm stone, "this was all an excuse for me to talk to you, anyway."
Fingolfin stared at him, a question in his eyes, until Rhe offered a sheepish grin.
"Yeah. I know, trickery isn't very becoming. But this is important."
Fingolfin said nothing for a moment, and then settled to the ground beside the boulder, resting his own bow across his knees. "And what would that be?"
Rhe shifted, and Fingolfin could tell that he was uncomfortable broaching the subject. "Your son."
Fingolfin's chest tigthened, and his eyes narrowed as he watched Rhe. A growing sense of uneasiness washed all pleasure from the afternoon sun. "Word seems to travel quickly in this group."
"It is a close-knit group," Rhe offered, not meeting Fingolfin's hard stare. Rhe moved to sit on the ground beside Fingolfin, brushing dead leaves out of his way. "And I think it's important that you talk about it."
"I'd rather not."
Rhe smiled at Fingolfin's sharp tone. "I realize that." Rhe fell silent, brow furrowed. For a long moment tense silence stretched between them, and then Rhe sighed. "Why are you afraid of talking to him?"
For a moment, Fingolfin considered speaking, and the words seemed to try and spill from his throat, against his will. But he shook his head, dismissing Rhe's offer. "Many reasons."
Rhe watched him, leaf green eyes pensive. "Are you afraid that, now that you know about him and his cousin, he will be different somehow?"
The comment struck Fingolfin hard, and for a moment he could not speak. The day seemed to fade away a little more, and a memory of Findekáno's smile rose in his mind.
Rhe picked a leaf from the drift beside him, and twirled it in his fingers. "You seem...uncomfortable with the concept. I assumed that it was one reason it took you so long to get used to me." There was no accusation in Rhe's eyes, only wry amusement.
After a moment, Fingolfin managed to resume a calm facade, even if his emotions raged just below the surface. "Such things...such relationships were little known among my people. Many times it was seen as strange, and unnatural. There were oft rumors of those that were...punished for such things."
Rhe blanched. "I can well imagine. My people were the same. But the most important thing is, did you ever feel the same?"
Fingolfin sighed, trying his best to arrange his thoughts. "No. But I was never around those in such a relationship." He paused, one corner of his mouth tilting up. "Well, not that I knew, anyway. I would have stopped the censure if I could, but that was always out of my power. I never saw how we could question what the Valar gave to us. I knew from my own experience that love was unruly, unrestrained. Trying to keep yourself from loving someone is impossible."
Rhe relaxed, and offered Fingolfin a small nod. "Then why do you worry so about this, when it comes to your son? You accept it in me, do you not? Accept the fact that I am in a relationship with Malachi."
"But it is different," Fingolfin said softly. "I knew of your relationship from the beginning. It has always seemed a natural part of you. Though your choice in a lover is a bit...odd, it seemed right. Natural. To know that Káno was involved in such a relationship, and he hid it from me...It makes me wonder how much else he hid from me."
"You don't have to treat him any differently."
"I know, but," Fingolfin lowered his head slightly, rubbing at his eyes. Frustration filled him. "But it feels as though I do. I have learned that my son is not the person I expected him to be. How can I see the same person when I look at him?"
Another long moment of silence, and then Rhe shifted. "It does not change your love for him, does it?"
Fingolfin's head snapped up, fire in his eyes. "Of course not."
"Then I think you are letting a small matter keep you from speaking with your son. He is no different than the person you once knew. You just know more about him, that is all. I am sure you have kept secrets from him, in your life." When Fingolfin glanced away, Rhe smiled. "It is no different. Don't let your new knowledge erase what memories you have of him. Instead, use it as a new way to connect with your son."
Fingolfin sighed, and Rhe fell silent. For a moment, they were both content to sit, letting the slight wind wash over them, the faint noise of birds mingling with the rustling of leaves.
After a while Fingolfin shifted. He glanced at Rhe, but the half-elf's attention was focused down the path. Fingolfin waited, frowning, until the black wolf padded into view. The creature glanced at him before settling beside Rhe, head resting in the half-elf's lap. Rhe curled a hand in the thick fur of the wolf's neck.
"Draug mor," Fingolfin said in greeting, and an unmistakable look of amusement flashed across the wolf's face.
Rhe, too, seemed amused by the name. "Sometimes, it doesn't matter who you love, as long as you love."
Fingolfin stayed still for another moment, before rising to his feet. "How did one so young become so wise?" he asked, picking up his bow.
Rhe shrugged, grinning. "Practice."
Fingolfin turned and left, leaving Rhe and Malachi sitting beside the road.
I feel...almost ashamed.
Fingolfin stood beneath the shadows of the trees. Sunlight etched the world in gold, and highlighted the crest of the ridge that ran along his path. His fingers traced the curve of his bow. A quiver rested against his hip, but he had yet to draw and notch an arrow. They had ventured into the forest to hunt, but both knew that it was just an excuse to wander in the woods.
The half-elf stood a little further down the path, hunched over as he studied the tracks pressed into the surface of the hard dirt track they followed. After a moment he shook his head and stood.
"These tracks are old. Too old, really, for any hope of prey."
Fingolfin moved out from under the trees into the blazing light, glancing at Rhe. "It is probably better that way."
An easy grin crossed Rhe's face. "We could have at least made a pretense of hunting, you know."
Fingolfin smiled slightly as Rhe began to walk down the path once more. He followed, studying the half-elf, wondering.
It had taken him a few days to grow so comfortable to Rhe's presence. He still found it disconcerting to look at Rhe and see his elvish inheritance, and know that it was not the same that flowed in his own veins. But Rhe's easy manner and deeply ingrained sense of humor had set Fingolfin at ease, and in the space of a couple of weeks, they had formed a bond of friendship.
"Besides," Rhe said, stopping beside a boulder and casting his pack down beside it, before leaning back against the warm stone, "this was all an excuse for me to talk to you, anyway."
Fingolfin stared at him, a question in his eyes, until Rhe offered a sheepish grin.
"Yeah. I know, trickery isn't very becoming. But this is important."
Fingolfin said nothing for a moment, and then settled to the ground beside the boulder, resting his own bow across his knees. "And what would that be?"
Rhe shifted, and Fingolfin could tell that he was uncomfortable broaching the subject. "Your son."
Fingolfin's chest tigthened, and his eyes narrowed as he watched Rhe. A growing sense of uneasiness washed all pleasure from the afternoon sun. "Word seems to travel quickly in this group."
"It is a close-knit group," Rhe offered, not meeting Fingolfin's hard stare. Rhe moved to sit on the ground beside Fingolfin, brushing dead leaves out of his way. "And I think it's important that you talk about it."
"I'd rather not."
Rhe smiled at Fingolfin's sharp tone. "I realize that." Rhe fell silent, brow furrowed. For a long moment tense silence stretched between them, and then Rhe sighed. "Why are you afraid of talking to him?"
For a moment, Fingolfin considered speaking, and the words seemed to try and spill from his throat, against his will. But he shook his head, dismissing Rhe's offer. "Many reasons."
Rhe watched him, leaf green eyes pensive. "Are you afraid that, now that you know about him and his cousin, he will be different somehow?"
The comment struck Fingolfin hard, and for a moment he could not speak. The day seemed to fade away a little more, and a memory of Findekáno's smile rose in his mind.
Rhe picked a leaf from the drift beside him, and twirled it in his fingers. "You seem...uncomfortable with the concept. I assumed that it was one reason it took you so long to get used to me." There was no accusation in Rhe's eyes, only wry amusement.
After a moment, Fingolfin managed to resume a calm facade, even if his emotions raged just below the surface. "Such things...such relationships were little known among my people. Many times it was seen as strange, and unnatural. There were oft rumors of those that were...punished for such things."
Rhe blanched. "I can well imagine. My people were the same. But the most important thing is, did you ever feel the same?"
Fingolfin sighed, trying his best to arrange his thoughts. "No. But I was never around those in such a relationship." He paused, one corner of his mouth tilting up. "Well, not that I knew, anyway. I would have stopped the censure if I could, but that was always out of my power. I never saw how we could question what the Valar gave to us. I knew from my own experience that love was unruly, unrestrained. Trying to keep yourself from loving someone is impossible."
Rhe relaxed, and offered Fingolfin a small nod. "Then why do you worry so about this, when it comes to your son? You accept it in me, do you not? Accept the fact that I am in a relationship with Malachi."
"But it is different," Fingolfin said softly. "I knew of your relationship from the beginning. It has always seemed a natural part of you. Though your choice in a lover is a bit...odd, it seemed right. Natural. To know that Káno was involved in such a relationship, and he hid it from me...It makes me wonder how much else he hid from me."
"You don't have to treat him any differently."
"I know, but," Fingolfin lowered his head slightly, rubbing at his eyes. Frustration filled him. "But it feels as though I do. I have learned that my son is not the person I expected him to be. How can I see the same person when I look at him?"
Another long moment of silence, and then Rhe shifted. "It does not change your love for him, does it?"
Fingolfin's head snapped up, fire in his eyes. "Of course not."
"Then I think you are letting a small matter keep you from speaking with your son. He is no different than the person you once knew. You just know more about him, that is all. I am sure you have kept secrets from him, in your life." When Fingolfin glanced away, Rhe smiled. "It is no different. Don't let your new knowledge erase what memories you have of him. Instead, use it as a new way to connect with your son."
Fingolfin sighed, and Rhe fell silent. For a moment, they were both content to sit, letting the slight wind wash over them, the faint noise of birds mingling with the rustling of leaves.
After a while Fingolfin shifted. He glanced at Rhe, but the half-elf's attention was focused down the path. Fingolfin waited, frowning, until the black wolf padded into view. The creature glanced at him before settling beside Rhe, head resting in the half-elf's lap. Rhe curled a hand in the thick fur of the wolf's neck.
"Draug mor," Fingolfin said in greeting, and an unmistakable look of amusement flashed across the wolf's face.
Rhe, too, seemed amused by the name. "Sometimes, it doesn't matter who you love, as long as you love."
Fingolfin stayed still for another moment, before rising to his feet. "How did one so young become so wise?" he asked, picking up his bow.
Rhe shrugged, grinning. "Practice."
Fingolfin turned and left, leaving Rhe and Malachi sitting beside the road.
I feel...almost ashamed.