Guilt Lifted, Guilt Remains
Last Friday I took a second shot at reuniting with Lt. Ruth Pepito. For anyone who does not know that backstory, she and I inprocessed to Fort Lewis together last December. Last January, we were told one of us would deploy to Iraq with another unit, and the other would stay. Obviously, I was the one who stayed.
If you weren't at the wedding, and most of you weren't, you don't know about my rousing speech commemorating. Ruth volunteered for the assignment before I had to say anything. She knew I was getting married in April, and though she was engaged, she didn't have a date set yet. She left on January 27.
On January 27, Naomi and I were near Twenty-Nine Palms, California in the Mojave. Ruth called from Seattle and told me that her orders had been moved up, she was leaving that day and didn't have another duffle bag. I thought she wouldn't be leaving until the 29th. We never got to say goodbye. Naomi and I also couldn't follow through on our promise to buy her dinner and whatever else she might want.
After Ruth left, I forgot about her for a few weeks. Then as the wedding approached, I started to realize that she had probably done the most important thing that anyone had done for our marriage. All exageration aside, I don't think that Naomi and I would be anywhere near where we are today if I'd had to deploy back in January. We would have had to have a shotgun wedding, and then not see each other for 9 months.
So by April, I was thankful. By May, I was guilty. What if Ruth died? I hadn't talked to her for two months, she wouldn't respond to emails. How would I feel? Could I live with the selfishness of putting my marriage over someone else's life?
By September, it became regret and fear. I was sorry and morose when I thought of what she had been through in Mosul for me. I worried that Ruth would hate me for sending her there. Then I thought she would be happy that the worthless expanse of Iraq was given meaning by giving someone a wedding. Then I thought maybe I was overanalyzing all of this. Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she just wanted a deployment to be over with. And now it is.
Regardless of all of this, Ruth did something for us that we will always remember, and she is back and does not hate us. Thank God.
If you weren't at the wedding, and most of you weren't, you don't know about my rousing speech commemorating. Ruth volunteered for the assignment before I had to say anything. She knew I was getting married in April, and though she was engaged, she didn't have a date set yet. She left on January 27.
On January 27, Naomi and I were near Twenty-Nine Palms, California in the Mojave. Ruth called from Seattle and told me that her orders had been moved up, she was leaving that day and didn't have another duffle bag. I thought she wouldn't be leaving until the 29th. We never got to say goodbye. Naomi and I also couldn't follow through on our promise to buy her dinner and whatever else she might want.
After Ruth left, I forgot about her for a few weeks. Then as the wedding approached, I started to realize that she had probably done the most important thing that anyone had done for our marriage. All exageration aside, I don't think that Naomi and I would be anywhere near where we are today if I'd had to deploy back in January. We would have had to have a shotgun wedding, and then not see each other for 9 months.
So by April, I was thankful. By May, I was guilty. What if Ruth died? I hadn't talked to her for two months, she wouldn't respond to emails. How would I feel? Could I live with the selfishness of putting my marriage over someone else's life?
By September, it became regret and fear. I was sorry and morose when I thought of what she had been through in Mosul for me. I worried that Ruth would hate me for sending her there. Then I thought she would be happy that the worthless expanse of Iraq was given meaning by giving someone a wedding. Then I thought maybe I was overanalyzing all of this. Maybe she didn't care. Maybe she just wanted a deployment to be over with. And now it is.
Regardless of all of this, Ruth did something for us that we will always remember, and she is back and does not hate us. Thank God.