Growing up
Does it ever scare you how fast we get old? I wake up every morning and have to remind myself, "You are 24 years old." Some days I'm excited to say that 24, like I have all the time in the world, old enough to know better, but still too young to care. It's much more common for me to say "24! That's at least a quarter of my life over with." And a quarter is only if God is feeling generous. It could certainly be a much, much larger chunk than that.
I look at my friends much more critically now, especially the ones I have known forever. I watch them and say to myself, yes, I see it. They are all grown up too. They're getting married, have successful jobs, raising beautiful children. I look at my sister and think, wow, when did she become more mature than me? I look at my brother and am actually shocked to see not my little Bubba, but a true man standing in front of me.
And then I go stand in front of a mirror and study myself. I look long and hard, but I have a hard time seeing the changes in me. Surely, I don't look any different than I did at 21, at 18, at 15? The hair color has changed many, many times. The clothes are trendier (thank God!) and fit me differently now. I carry myself with much more confidence than I ever have before. I too have a successful job. I too have moved out and am exploring the world on my own, doing things that none of my friends have yet done. I too am settling down, settling in, preparing to live the rest of my life by building it on what I have today. And yet...and yet...
There is still something that hasn't changed. Something about me that is still 13 years old. My heart looks out on this world same as ever, still seeking what it couldn't find back then and can't hold on to now. Maybe that's why I can't see the grown-up Jenny at all, why it seems that I am the only one of my friends to be frozen in time. I am not refusing to grow up, as much as the Peter Pan in me might like to, but somehow I am still unable to do so. I don't know what the solution is. I don't even know why I'm sharing this with you other than the fact that it, like so many other demons, is eating a hole in my heart and must be released.
Pondering the meaning of life (I'll get back to you when I find it),
Jen
I look at my friends much more critically now, especially the ones I have known forever. I watch them and say to myself, yes, I see it. They are all grown up too. They're getting married, have successful jobs, raising beautiful children. I look at my sister and think, wow, when did she become more mature than me? I look at my brother and am actually shocked to see not my little Bubba, but a true man standing in front of me.
And then I go stand in front of a mirror and study myself. I look long and hard, but I have a hard time seeing the changes in me. Surely, I don't look any different than I did at 21, at 18, at 15? The hair color has changed many, many times. The clothes are trendier (thank God!) and fit me differently now. I carry myself with much more confidence than I ever have before. I too have a successful job. I too have moved out and am exploring the world on my own, doing things that none of my friends have yet done. I too am settling down, settling in, preparing to live the rest of my life by building it on what I have today. And yet...and yet...
There is still something that hasn't changed. Something about me that is still 13 years old. My heart looks out on this world same as ever, still seeking what it couldn't find back then and can't hold on to now. Maybe that's why I can't see the grown-up Jenny at all, why it seems that I am the only one of my friends to be frozen in time. I am not refusing to grow up, as much as the Peter Pan in me might like to, but somehow I am still unable to do so. I don't know what the solution is. I don't even know why I'm sharing this with you other than the fact that it, like so many other demons, is eating a hole in my heart and must be released.
Pondering the meaning of life (I'll get back to you when I find it),
Jen