(no subject)
Well, it has been quite a while since i updated. I have been sooooo busy. I am still working at Merle Norman, about 4 and sometimes 5 days a week. They let a girl go who had been with us for about 3-4 months or so before they hired me. She was very nice, very knowledgeable about the products, etc, and i loved her personality to death, but she just wasn't right for the job. She was younger, around 18, and from what i knew, this had been her first job. She was late many times, and despite what i thought about her as a person, she just wasn't very responsible. Well i just wrote 2 other paragraphs but i am getting used to this laptop and it just deleted the whole damn thing.
Anyway, so i have been working alot more lately. I haven't had much time to work out at all the past 2 months, maybe twice, but it isn't all work and being busy as a mom. I had some physical complications since I got off the Lupron shot. It seems that as my body began having hormones running through it again for the first time in months it kinda went a little whack-o. I didn't like the side effects of the shot, but physically, it sure made me feel alot better. No endo pain. The side effects i had were for the first 2 weeks or so, I had insomnia really bad and a chronic or ever-present splitting headache. I felt physically better in only a week or so from the endometriosis. The doc had told me that for about 6 weeks, women's symptoms increase alot due to a rise in their estrogen levels before their severance. After about 6 weeks all the female organs should be shut down and you experience a menopausal state, complete with hot flashes and mood-swings etcetera....Well, my endo was better, and the hot flashes weren't that bad to me. I mean, hell, i am hypoglycemic and have passed out many times in my life, so the feeling of being instantly overheated and the accompanying nausea was not out of this world or too much for me to handle. But the mood swings are what i has a problem with. The only time i felt good was when i was in the gym working out. Five minutes into the ride home I would be in tears for no reason at all. I have never felt so out of control of my emotions because there was absolutely nothing in the world wrong and i knew it, i just couldn't stop myself from crying. Then i had the anger episodes...
I was mad as freaking HELL for no obvious reason. Mad at everyone and anyone for nothing. They hadnt done anything wrong or even looked at me funny but by God I was mad at them. There were days I wouldn't even leave the house because I literally had no control over my temper. I was like, "I can't go out in public like this!" Well, the doctor took my hormone levels and told me my testosterone level was higher than it should be. So of course, that explains the uncontrollable anger episodes, the crying and fits, as well as the cystic acne all over the lower half of my face that extended down to my neck. Dr. Z, my adderol doc, talked about trying me on a mood stabilizer just until my 2 rounds of Lupron therapy were over to get me through it, rather than the occasional xanax for anxiety attacks, which I barely take once in a blue moon; But i was like "no dude, that is quite alright." All that shit has side effects too, and i really was at a point where i had all i could handle of unnecessarry side effects. Plus, i felt like a lab rat. I mean, really, i felt like they were just trying to jack me up on all this medication-one for the endo, another for the mood swings, and the topical cream and antibiotics the dermatologist (yet another doctor) had put me on for my cystic acne. Who wants to buy skin care products from someone who looks like they can't handle their own skin problems? I had to do that for the sake of my job so that part was a necessity. But the other shit? C'mon, man, I pop enough pills in the morning already. It just seemed completely unnatural, and i didn't want another drug in my system to counteract the other drugs, all of which were long-acting and take a while to show their side effects once they enter the body, plus the time it takes for them to leave the body completely. Thanks, but no thanks.
So i got off the LUPRON, due to an error in the mailing system when my third shot didn't arrive at the office. After calling and calling "Has it come in yet?" the nurse told me she'd call me when it did get there. A few weeks passed, and then i started a cycle again. You have to take the Lupron for three consecutive months before it is effective in shrinking the spots of endo. Then you get off for two, then go back on for three. I was waiting for my third shot, when it didn't come in in time, when i was told that because i had started another female cycle (which never should have happened if i would have gotten my third shot in time), I would have to wait till i got another period. I said "Fuck this shit, I can't take this crap anymore. My endo symptoms are better, but mentally I am crazy as a shit house rat, i can't live like this!" So after 2 months of Lupron, which was ineffective because my testosterone levels were way too high, I would have to start the whole 6 months of therapy over again and i just wasn't willing to go through that again. My dermatologist had put me on a face wash and toner, topical liquid antibiotics, a night cream, oral antibiotics, and an oral testosterone blocker. So here i am today, about three weeks into the beginning of another round of Lupron shots (not by choice, I assure you) and in so much pain that my boss took me off the schedule for the next almost whole week because even though i tried to go to work like this, day before yesterday I got to the point where i couldn't walk. The pain radiated down to my legs and they stiffened up so bad i was shuffling around trying to do makeovers. I still went, but everyone kept saying, "What's wrong are you alright?" I was smiling and everything, but they said that they know I didn't feel good because i was not talkative and quiet and they could see in my face that i was in pain. She wasn't mad, but she said, "I appreciate you trying to come in, but I can't have you projecting this while you are at work because we can all tell and the customers can sense it too." So here i am with a week long vacation and no say so in the matter at all.
Honestly, I am in a lot of pain, but i need that money really bad. We are struggling financially right now and i want to do what is best for my family. I am not really upset, but i am having alot harder of a time acclimating to the side effects of this shot this time around...alot moreso than last time. I am wondering if it is the testosterone blockers. That is really the only thing I am taking that is different this time around. I am not having those bad mood swings, but the shot seems not to be as effective for the endo because i am having another period and in a great deal of pain. Even before this bleeding, i was still in alot more pain than i was first time around. The first time i got a shot, a week or so later i was in the gym in a spin class, lifting weights, twice a day. I felt better than I had in a long time, and had alot more energy. This time, I physically feel like absolute dog shit, and thinking, okay, how much longer does this crap go on until i start to feel better? I am just at the point where i am like okay, now if this physical shit would go away, mentally i am good, so then it would be gravy. I am sick of tinkering with shit up in there that we cannot see, so we take these wild guesses and go on goose-chases for what we think may be the problem. Last month i was incapacitated for 2 days. Literally laid up in the bed, unable to do anything at all, and i am derned lucky i hadn't been on the work schedule those days because I wouldn't have been able to go in. I have been walking around on pain killers i have had to find on the street because doctors are so afraid of people getting hooked on them that people like me, with a very legitimate problem that has been surgically proven cannot get any pain medication. So fuck the medical insurance and the doctors too, because i have to walk around and suffer, and literally be sometimes taken away from daily life, because no doctor will prescribe anything to kill the pain till this shit starts working. So here i am. It pisses me off to no end that because some stupid assholes abused prescribed pain killers that people with real pain and legitimate medical reasons to get pain killers cannot get them. This was the SECOND doctor who refused to prescribe them. And you know what? I would be more than happy to take an anti-inflammatory for the pain if they still worked for me. I am at the point where my pain has gotten so bad they simply do not work anymore. So i get to break my pocket-book on pain killers from people off the streets because of some stupid assholes and irresponsible doctors. But I can't just lay up in the damn bed all the time and be unable to live my life either. Sorry, there are things called responsibilities in life, and whether you want to prescribe a pain medicine to me or not, I will still have them. So, i can lay in the bed and not take care of the things in my life that i have to and be a sorry excuse of a mother and wife with no job, or i can use a good chunk of my money to buy pain killers illicitly and go out and enjoy the scenery as I handle my responsibilities with a bearable amount of pain and a smile. You choose.
Hrrmmm. So that is that right now. Just needed to vent on my day off.
Anyway, so i have been working alot more lately. I haven't had much time to work out at all the past 2 months, maybe twice, but it isn't all work and being busy as a mom. I had some physical complications since I got off the Lupron shot. It seems that as my body began having hormones running through it again for the first time in months it kinda went a little whack-o. I didn't like the side effects of the shot, but physically, it sure made me feel alot better. No endo pain. The side effects i had were for the first 2 weeks or so, I had insomnia really bad and a chronic or ever-present splitting headache. I felt physically better in only a week or so from the endometriosis. The doc had told me that for about 6 weeks, women's symptoms increase alot due to a rise in their estrogen levels before their severance. After about 6 weeks all the female organs should be shut down and you experience a menopausal state, complete with hot flashes and mood-swings etcetera....Well, my endo was better, and the hot flashes weren't that bad to me. I mean, hell, i am hypoglycemic and have passed out many times in my life, so the feeling of being instantly overheated and the accompanying nausea was not out of this world or too much for me to handle. But the mood swings are what i has a problem with. The only time i felt good was when i was in the gym working out. Five minutes into the ride home I would be in tears for no reason at all. I have never felt so out of control of my emotions because there was absolutely nothing in the world wrong and i knew it, i just couldn't stop myself from crying. Then i had the anger episodes...
I was mad as freaking HELL for no obvious reason. Mad at everyone and anyone for nothing. They hadnt done anything wrong or even looked at me funny but by God I was mad at them. There were days I wouldn't even leave the house because I literally had no control over my temper. I was like, "I can't go out in public like this!" Well, the doctor took my hormone levels and told me my testosterone level was higher than it should be. So of course, that explains the uncontrollable anger episodes, the crying and fits, as well as the cystic acne all over the lower half of my face that extended down to my neck. Dr. Z, my adderol doc, talked about trying me on a mood stabilizer just until my 2 rounds of Lupron therapy were over to get me through it, rather than the occasional xanax for anxiety attacks, which I barely take once in a blue moon; But i was like "no dude, that is quite alright." All that shit has side effects too, and i really was at a point where i had all i could handle of unnecessarry side effects. Plus, i felt like a lab rat. I mean, really, i felt like they were just trying to jack me up on all this medication-one for the endo, another for the mood swings, and the topical cream and antibiotics the dermatologist (yet another doctor) had put me on for my cystic acne. Who wants to buy skin care products from someone who looks like they can't handle their own skin problems? I had to do that for the sake of my job so that part was a necessity. But the other shit? C'mon, man, I pop enough pills in the morning already. It just seemed completely unnatural, and i didn't want another drug in my system to counteract the other drugs, all of which were long-acting and take a while to show their side effects once they enter the body, plus the time it takes for them to leave the body completely. Thanks, but no thanks.
So i got off the LUPRON, due to an error in the mailing system when my third shot didn't arrive at the office. After calling and calling "Has it come in yet?" the nurse told me she'd call me when it did get there. A few weeks passed, and then i started a cycle again. You have to take the Lupron for three consecutive months before it is effective in shrinking the spots of endo. Then you get off for two, then go back on for three. I was waiting for my third shot, when it didn't come in in time, when i was told that because i had started another female cycle (which never should have happened if i would have gotten my third shot in time), I would have to wait till i got another period. I said "Fuck this shit, I can't take this crap anymore. My endo symptoms are better, but mentally I am crazy as a shit house rat, i can't live like this!" So after 2 months of Lupron, which was ineffective because my testosterone levels were way too high, I would have to start the whole 6 months of therapy over again and i just wasn't willing to go through that again. My dermatologist had put me on a face wash and toner, topical liquid antibiotics, a night cream, oral antibiotics, and an oral testosterone blocker. So here i am today, about three weeks into the beginning of another round of Lupron shots (not by choice, I assure you) and in so much pain that my boss took me off the schedule for the next almost whole week because even though i tried to go to work like this, day before yesterday I got to the point where i couldn't walk. The pain radiated down to my legs and they stiffened up so bad i was shuffling around trying to do makeovers. I still went, but everyone kept saying, "What's wrong are you alright?" I was smiling and everything, but they said that they know I didn't feel good because i was not talkative and quiet and they could see in my face that i was in pain. She wasn't mad, but she said, "I appreciate you trying to come in, but I can't have you projecting this while you are at work because we can all tell and the customers can sense it too." So here i am with a week long vacation and no say so in the matter at all.
Honestly, I am in a lot of pain, but i need that money really bad. We are struggling financially right now and i want to do what is best for my family. I am not really upset, but i am having alot harder of a time acclimating to the side effects of this shot this time around...alot moreso than last time. I am wondering if it is the testosterone blockers. That is really the only thing I am taking that is different this time around. I am not having those bad mood swings, but the shot seems not to be as effective for the endo because i am having another period and in a great deal of pain. Even before this bleeding, i was still in alot more pain than i was first time around. The first time i got a shot, a week or so later i was in the gym in a spin class, lifting weights, twice a day. I felt better than I had in a long time, and had alot more energy. This time, I physically feel like absolute dog shit, and thinking, okay, how much longer does this crap go on until i start to feel better? I am just at the point where i am like okay, now if this physical shit would go away, mentally i am good, so then it would be gravy. I am sick of tinkering with shit up in there that we cannot see, so we take these wild guesses and go on goose-chases for what we think may be the problem. Last month i was incapacitated for 2 days. Literally laid up in the bed, unable to do anything at all, and i am derned lucky i hadn't been on the work schedule those days because I wouldn't have been able to go in. I have been walking around on pain killers i have had to find on the street because doctors are so afraid of people getting hooked on them that people like me, with a very legitimate problem that has been surgically proven cannot get any pain medication. So fuck the medical insurance and the doctors too, because i have to walk around and suffer, and literally be sometimes taken away from daily life, because no doctor will prescribe anything to kill the pain till this shit starts working. So here i am. It pisses me off to no end that because some stupid assholes abused prescribed pain killers that people with real pain and legitimate medical reasons to get pain killers cannot get them. This was the SECOND doctor who refused to prescribe them. And you know what? I would be more than happy to take an anti-inflammatory for the pain if they still worked for me. I am at the point where my pain has gotten so bad they simply do not work anymore. So i get to break my pocket-book on pain killers from people off the streets because of some stupid assholes and irresponsible doctors. But I can't just lay up in the damn bed all the time and be unable to live my life either. Sorry, there are things called responsibilities in life, and whether you want to prescribe a pain medicine to me or not, I will still have them. So, i can lay in the bed and not take care of the things in my life that i have to and be a sorry excuse of a mother and wife with no job, or i can use a good chunk of my money to buy pain killers illicitly and go out and enjoy the scenery as I handle my responsibilities with a bearable amount of pain and a smile. You choose.
Hrrmmm. So that is that right now. Just needed to vent on my day off.