My Fantasy Football Team for the SPFL.
Originally published at A Singularity. You can comment here or there.
So as per my post yesterday, showing off Dan Well’s fantasy football team, I’ve decided to draft my own team in similar style. Afterall if there is only one team in the SPFL (Speculative Fiction Football League) (I would have claimed FFL but I suspect the NFL already has that as their acronym for fantasy football, right?) then Dan’s team would automatically win and we can’t have that, right?
So to be fair, I’ll be picking in a similar style to Dan Well’s choices and I will also not be able to pick any of the choices he has made.
Coach
So according to the snippets of football movies and televisions shows I’ve seen, the Coach is the guy who gets pissed off a lot on the side lines while their team sucks and then ultimately gets liquids poured on them when the team manages to come together and win, despite all the odds. I also think they plan the maneuvers the team does on the field, because I remember scenes of coaches pointing at Xs and Os a lot. So I need someone who is a master of strategy, and for flavor, I want someone who stays cool under pressure. First person that comes to mind is The Riddler but having my coach get beat up at half time by some lunatic in a bat costume (who isn’t a mascot!) would be bad press. There is, of course, Original Universe Spock, whose logic would likely benefit the team heavily but I suspect his cool demeanor would work against his ability to motivate the rest of the team. So ultimately my choice is going to have to come from Shikimaru from Naruto. Sure he is a little young to be a coach, but he is a master strategist. Additionally his usually lazy demeanor would keep him from getting overly heated when his team was losing while still motivating him and his ability to control shadows would keep this team from sneaking up behind him to pour liquids over his head.
Quarterback
So as Dan put it, the QB need to throw stuff and be a good field leader. I’ll translate good field leader into is good with tactics. Well the first choice is Waka from Final Fantasy X. Afterall he played in his world’s version of football called Blitz Ball, and his primary combat weapon is throwing a blitz ball at enemies. However I think he might be lacking in the tactics part, since his team kinda sucked until Tidus came along. Another good thrower would be Donkey Kong but I suspect his tactics would be to just throw passes or run the ball himself, which is tactically sound but not always preferable. I don’t want a QB who is predictable. So I will have to go with Link from Legend of Zelda: A link to the Past. Link is a weapon’s expert, well-known for his ability to throw both boomerangs, bombs, rocks, bushes, and even clay pots. In addition the man has saved the kingdom of Hyrule (and various other principalities) from evil multiple times over without a team or coaching, which would suggest excellent tactical capabilities.
Linebackers
So according to Dan, I need a whole bunch of linebackers. Well not even according to Dan, if he has the entire Rohirrim, I need at least something similar in number and/or capability to be able to take that on. Linebackers, if I remember correctly, basically act like human walls. They keep the other team from going somewhere. So my thought are the orks from Warhammer 40k. This would definitely solve the number issue since orks reproduce from the corpses of other orks but their pension to fight anything, including their own team, might be an issue. I could always go for quality over quantity and just get Gandalf the Grey. He can simply declare that the enemy team shall not pass but there is the chance of him sacrificing himself to become even stronger leaving my team exposed while he goes off to fetch the Rohirrim. Actually that sounds like a really bad idea. Instead I’m going to go with the Dai Li from Avatar The Last Airbender. The Dai Li are a group of master Earthbenders dedicated to protection. Sure they’ve gone through hard times, becoming a corrupt society of secret police, and then betraying the world to work with the fire nation, but now that they’re out of a job, I’m sure a bit of bonding time in a good old-fashioned game of football will help set these troubled youths on the right track. Plus being able to pull a wall between themselves and the Rohirrim seems more than advantageous and because Dan got to throw in some named characters into his Linebackers I’ll go ahead and throw in Toph Bei Fong and The Boulder.
Running Back
So now we’re on to our running back who is all about the running and holding the ball. Keepsie Branson from the novel Playing For Keeps comes to mind. She has a super power that freezes anybody that tries to take something that she owns. So once the ball is in her hands, nobody is taking it away from her. On the other hand she is kinda tiny and anybody could really keep her from getting into the end zone. So we need someone who is fast. Fast like a motorcycle. Like the transformer Arcee from Transformers Prime. She can transform into a motorcycle and totally make it to the end zone before anybody can lay a hand on her. Only problem is I don’t know how she’ll hold onto the ball in motorcycle form… I got it! Cheetara from the new Thundercats televsion series. She is fast AND she has hands. Plus we can keep Jaga as a backup running back, just in case.
Catchings Backs
So Dan named the people who catch the ball that the quarter back passes, catching backs. This makes sense to me, even though I know there is no such position but following in his foot steps he named two catching backs, so I’ll need to pick at least two. My first choice is obviously going to be Kirby from the video game Kirby’s Dreamland. Mass murdering little pink mushroom that can suck in almost anything, chew, and spit it out with no problem, sounds like the perfect being to help me get some first downs. For my second catching back I gotta go with my main teleporting man, Nightcrawler. Because really teleporting would be the best way to catch one of those errant throws.
Waterboy
My waterboy would probably be Moist from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. Not only will it save on having to buy water but I suspect Moist will be so grateful for a job that I won’t have to pay him much.
Gatorade Sponsor
I honestly didn’t even know Gatorade had become a standard position in a football team. I think I’m going to have to go with DC Comic’s Aquaman. While most might think he’d make a better water boy, I feel Aquaman gets demeaned enough in popular culture, so I’m letting him take the promotion from waterboy to Gatorade sponsor.
Mascot
I’m going to claim Maru as my mascot and before anybody goes complaining about how Maru isn’t a fantasy creature I will point you to this video.
And there you have it! My SPFL Fantasy Football Team. What do you think? Even better, what’s your team?
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