(no subject)
I want to take art because I want to learn how to draw, but i don't know how creative I can be. I mean, I like drawing, but can I really come up with ideas to go off of? I'm not that creative at seeing things in a different light. I know this is a question of ability. I really want to be able to create something beautiful, but I really don't have much to say. On the other hand, I know that biology is something that simulaneously bores me and interests me. I don't really want to go through all the work that being a bio major requires, and I really do not like chemistry. I'm good at memorization, especially rote procedures. I really like knowing things about the world. I don't really like math, especially because I'm not particularly good at it. I mess up calculations very easily. If I don't take a hard Art class though, I'll be half assing it again though. I just keep doing things in such a "i don't really care manner". Like last quarter I had 4 class, and I might have been able to get through them, or at least 3 of them, but I dropped one because I was lame and didn't think about the consequences and only that I didn't want to do that much work if I didn't have to. I really feel the pressure right now because, I will have pretty much absolutely no time to think about next quarter's classes, and then that's the end of the year.
I don't know what to think about work. With classes, I can leave them after 10 weeks, but with work, I'll be doing the same thing over and over again for a long time. Even if I have a change of heart, or if I enter a field where there is alot of upward movement, I'm scared of the whole "You can get fired" thing. I mean, that terrifies me even now when my livelihood doesn't depend on it. What will I do when it does? I know I don't have to think about that just yet and should focus on what it is that I wouldn't mind doing for money, but everything either seems blah and boring or completely away from the things that I am talented at. I mean I don't really think that I'm that creative, and I've shown time and again that I'm not. I might be able to churn something out that has a recognizible theme, but I just don't know. I don't really think I'm a quick study either. I mean I don't think I've learned that much at MediaVision. I've learned a bit but I still mess up, while everyone else just really doesn't. I mean if that goes on for the rest of my life, how can I hope to advance? I know this is terribly pessimistic, but I really don't seem to learn. I really don't think I'm any good at my job, I really don't know why they've kept me on. I know I should tell myself good things, that I will figure this out and everything like that, but everything just gets me down so much.
I really think that if I pursue something that I like, I will lose interest in it. The thing is that I can superficially see myself in an office, but not what I will do there. Living in a bohemian environment to me would feel like failure I think, the problem is I've never done that. It's hard for me to take initiative to do things because when I do, I can't come up with anything to do, and the everyday routine that I have built up for myself doesn't leave much room for it. I wake up, eat breakfast, do whatever my parents tell me to, or go to school, or work, then come home and surf the internet all day. I think that I draw just because it is the easiest thing for me to do, but other times, I recognize that I love comic book style drawings, and I feel like I'm deceiving myself. Then I see that I analyze things so well, and I think "Well maybe I should be a psychology major", but then I don't really want to go into it then finish and have to go into 4-6 more years of study. I mean what can you do with it?
Another thing is that I always see what I can't do but what about what I can? I mean I know that I can accomplish things when I set my mind to it. I've finished essays, projects, gotten a job, read seemingly impossible books, gone to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter, been stage director, run for club officer, made friends with boys ( which seemed impossible in high school), edited a video (which seemed impossible when I started), I've gone to Disneyland with my friends, cooked dinner, figured out a way to get Dr Who on DVD at a severely reduced price (ie free :P). The thing is when I'm trying to figure things out I forget all of these things.
I keep thinking of the same classes, the same jobs maybe I'm better suited for something else? GAH I don't know what to do.