Short Circuit

[noisesnob]

I usually don't give a crap about most things. I'm pretty laid back. But I'm getting a little peeved. There are some things I only speak to a few people about. If I am in a fix and cannot speak to a licensed professional, I call upon these friends. However, I have found a shortage of "these friends." I have noticed that when, and if I choose to disclose some information that leaves me very naked and vulnerable, I do not receive the response hoped for. Lately, they have been quick to judge what I am feeling and do not take any special heed or consideration to my condition. Or even worse, I have been getting the dreaded, "Oh yea, I'm like that too sometimes" or the "Just don't worry about it," or "everyone gets like that sometimes." Please don't ever ever ever say those things to me. I'm sure your life has its' painful moments, perhaps ones worse than mine. But they are DIFFERENT than mine. I'm not looking for a pity party, or your sympathy. Sometimes it's just nice to vent to someone who doesn't necessarily feel the need to relate to you, or try to make common ground that makes me feel worse. Yeah, you have ADD or whatever, but I'm not "freaking out over finals." You of all people should know this. I'm freaking out, but it's due to my loss of cognitive function. For the past six years I have been handed a plethora of drug after drug, hoping to find the perfect mix, and I haven't. I hate myself with medication, and I hate myself without it. I don't even know who I am anymore. I can't comprehend anything I read anymore. I used to write so well, and writing a paper is painful now. I can't even form a scholastically coherent paragraph. None of my thoughts can organize and make sense documented. I'm completely scatterbrained and forget all of my ideas. I lose at least three things every day. I've noticed that my ability to do sudoku and crossword puzzles is going in a downward spiral. I have no motivation to do anything at all. I feel like things are just going to get worse. Sometimes I just feel like there isn't anything left for me. And the scariest part is driving down the highway and not even caring if I make it to my destination. Sometimes the idea of making a hard left turn into an oncoming truck seems so easy that it's a cruel joke. So what am I going to do about this? Take another handful of pills that gives me my mind back? I miss my grades. I miss listening in class and actually registering the information. I miss my ideas. I miss my motivation and my lust for life. So don't tell me that if I take it easy this summer things will be better next semester. Don't tell me to "chill out." I have caught myself on the edge of hypomanic a couple days this month, only to crash the next day or so. I have been staying up late, and if I do sleep, if isn't regular at all. I'm sick of being a zombie. I'm sick of pills that make me need to take other pills. I just don't know what to do anymore. So what if I get another neurological-psychological evaluation. Then what? Take the 2 day test, and talk about it for a few weeks with doctors, perhaps tweek the meds a little bit... but then what? Can they repair the damage? Can they make me, "me" so I can lose this fucking facade?

I'm sorry if I keep saying the same things over and over. Maybe if I write it out enough I'll reach an epiphany.