nothing
it seems like once every day or couple of days, i'll open up a browser window, log into livejournal, and go completely blank. i've actually had a lot of stuff to talk about, too.
i've been thinking a lot about nihilism and the utter lack of importance of my, and everyone else's, existence lately.
hateful teenager: hey josh, i have science questions for you
Fallen Daedalus: Josh is in the other room killing ants.
hateful teenager: oh
hateful teenager: well then
hateful teenager: to whom am i talking?
Fallen Daedalus: Alia
hateful teenager: i didn't know you guys hung out
hateful teenager: that seems weird to me
Fallen Daedalus: we hang out almost every day
Fallen Daedalus: we
Fallen Daedalus: ..why?
hateful teenager: alia hanssen?
Fallen Daedalus: hansson.
hateful teenager: heh
Fallen Daedalus: how many Alias can there be?
hateful teenager: at least i got the two Ses
hateful teenager: ask josh if the universe is infinite
Fallen Daedalus: it's not proven
Fallen Daedalus: he said
Fallen Daedalus: but speculation is that it's a closed system
Fallen Daedalus: and he just left again
hateful teenager: a closed system? so scientists believe it's finite?
Fallen Daedalus: yeah.
Fallen Daedalus: but I was thinking that it could be infinite
Fallen Daedalus: but we can't really comprehend that because we have an end, so it's difficult to think that something could go on forever
hateful teenager: i was under the impression it was
Fallen Daedalus: and this is Alia
Fallen Daedalus: that's what I've always considered
hateful teenager: for some reason, i don't really have much trouble comprehending infinity
Fallen Daedalus: Me neither.
hateful teenager: maybe neither of us really get it
Fallen Daedalus: it's always fun to think about the possibilities
hateful teenager: but, like... it always depresses me to think about it
Fallen Daedalus: because the entire human race doesn't really have any significance..
Fallen Daedalus: and we don't really matter in the scope of the universe and infinity
hateful teenager: exactly
hateful teenager: with the universe being infinite, then nothing we do matters
Fallen Daedalus: even though we think that we're superior to almost everything
hateful teenager: because it will be done an infinite amount of ways and times anyway
Fallen Daedalus: maybe on earth, but what is earth compared to the billions of other planets?
Fallen Daedalus: the most depressing thing is that most people don't ever think of things like this
hateful teenager: so if nothing we do matters, why do anything, or why not do things you want to do?
hateful teenager: i think about it all the time
Fallen Daedalus: me too.
Fallen Daedalus: think of all the problems that wouldn't exist anymore if people actually realized that
hateful teenager: if everyone realized that, i think we'd have anarchy
hateful teenager: like, completely anarchy
Fallen Daedalus: hm
Fallen Daedalus: yeah
hateful teenager: no one would follow any rules, because it wouldn't matter
hateful teenager: helping your neighbor shovel snow in the winter wouldn't matter because it'd be pointless... like, helping other people would be pointless unless it made you truly happy to do so, but if you knew it didn't matter, i don't see how it could... it would come down to everyone trying their hardest to seek carnal pleasures
Fallen Daedalus: the universe is a finite system but parallel dimensions exist.. almost definitely infinitely many parallel dimensions and with infinitely many dimensions, all things will play out
hateful teenager: yeah
Fallen Daedalus: well, I was being optimistic and unrealistic saying that people would actually be able to live without a government
Fallen Daedalus: ideally that would happen
hateful teenager: so if all things will play out whether i (i figuratively, not necessarily me) exist or not, and i'm not enjoying existing, is there any reason why i should continue existing?
Fallen Daedalus: no
Fallen Daedalus: but life, I think, is meant to be enjoyable
Fallen Daedalus: why wouldn't you want to live?
hateful teenager: yes, but if one's life isn't, and that person doesn't really want to try to make it that way, does that person have any business existing, or does simply stopping make the most sense?
hateful teenager: well, why would you if you knew it didn't matter and that you weren't even having fun
Fallen Daedalus: I guess your religious beliefs could determine your answer for that.
Fallen Daedalus: well, how could you not have fun living?
hateful teenager: heh, i have no religious beliefs
Fallen Daedalus: i figured that, but I'm talking about people in general
hateful teenager: well, if you believed everything we've just talked about, i don't see how you could have religious beliefs
hateful teenager: they would conflict, wouldn't they
Fallen Daedalus: Yeah..they dont' really coincide with any religion.
Fallen Daedalus: that I've heard about, anyway
hateful teenager: yeah
hateful teenager: well, all that being said, today is the one year anniversary of the day i first kissed christine... we've been together one year exactly, some time this evening... i'm going to have a romantic evening, and try to enjoy myself
hateful teenager: it was nice talking to you
hateful teenager: i guess i'll catch you later
Fallen Daedalus: you also
Fallen Daedalus: have a good time
hateful teenager: thanks
christine and i hit one year on the sixth of this month. i obviously wasn't in the most positive mood that day, as you can tell from the conversation. i think i was tired and miserable. i actually thought about calling her and trying to figure something out where we could reschedule the date. that's how shitty i felt. i ended up getting myself under control and going to see her, and took her out for a really nice dinner at a restaurant called the hideaway. it's a great place... i love it there. it's sitting right on a swampy marsh, with huge windows all over. the attraction is that there are animals in the marsh. they have birdfeeders, and probably leave out salt licks or cornmeal for deer. christine and i spent dinner watching a fat little woodchuck happily chew away at some plant. after that, we ended up walking around the beach until i hurt my neck jumping over a fence. once i realized my neck wasn't just going to stop hurting, we rented kill bill and went back to her basement and just curled up and watched it. all in all, it was a really nice night. i'm glad i got over whatever was bothering me.
i was trying to avoid putting mundane day to day "then i did this, then i did this, then i did this" stuff in here, but that was a special night, and i think it deserves recording.
kind of relating to all the nihilistic thoughts i've been having lately, i'm more inspired than ever to do something musically. i guess i just figure that if i make enough music to put on a CD, and then get that CD published, and then someone buys that CD, i've made a pretty big mark on the world... even if it only sells 20 copies. i've got something that exists; tangible proof that says "kyle cassidy existed in the year 2004." like, it must feel amazing to hold something like that in your hands that you know you created yourself, and will outlive you. that's why i really hope georgia gets her children's book published. she might not look at things the same way i do, but no matter how you look at it, it's got to be a good feeling.
i don't know if i ever mentioned in here that i got a drum machine. i traded some pedals and $60 for it. it's a boss dr-202. nothing, special... in fact, it's kind of crappy. i don't care, though. it'll suit the purposes for which it will be used: heavily distorted powernoise rhythms and ultra-minimal synthpop patterns.
for my birthday later this month, christine bought me a synth. it's the korg electribe A, original version, not the mkII. similar to the drum machine (although not nearly as junky) it's just a small box with a limited number of features and some decent sounds. it'll do just fine. i can't wait to play with it. it's capable of all kinds of stuff... everything from pop to noise, so i think it will be perfect for me.
i wrecked my car a couple of weeks ago. shitty. like, fucking totaled the thing. now i need to pay off the loan for it and take out another one to buy another car. ultra-shitty. i hate owing money. it gives me the same feeling i'd get in middle school when the teacher was going around collecting homework and i knew i didn't have it. just a kind of guilty dread.
christine's parents are gone for about two weeks, and thursday night, i'm going to her house. i got next week off from work, so i'm going to stay with christine for over a week. i'm so excited.
it's going to be an awesome week.
i've been thinking a lot about nihilism and the utter lack of importance of my, and everyone else's, existence lately.
hateful teenager: hey josh, i have science questions for you
Fallen Daedalus: Josh is in the other room killing ants.
hateful teenager: oh
hateful teenager: well then
hateful teenager: to whom am i talking?
Fallen Daedalus: Alia
hateful teenager: i didn't know you guys hung out
hateful teenager: that seems weird to me
Fallen Daedalus: we hang out almost every day
Fallen Daedalus: we
Fallen Daedalus: ..why?
hateful teenager: alia hanssen?
Fallen Daedalus: hansson.
hateful teenager: heh
Fallen Daedalus: how many Alias can there be?
hateful teenager: at least i got the two Ses
hateful teenager: ask josh if the universe is infinite
Fallen Daedalus: it's not proven
Fallen Daedalus: he said
Fallen Daedalus: but speculation is that it's a closed system
Fallen Daedalus: and he just left again
hateful teenager: a closed system? so scientists believe it's finite?
Fallen Daedalus: yeah.
Fallen Daedalus: but I was thinking that it could be infinite
Fallen Daedalus: but we can't really comprehend that because we have an end, so it's difficult to think that something could go on forever
hateful teenager: i was under the impression it was
Fallen Daedalus: and this is Alia
Fallen Daedalus: that's what I've always considered
hateful teenager: for some reason, i don't really have much trouble comprehending infinity
Fallen Daedalus: Me neither.
hateful teenager: maybe neither of us really get it
Fallen Daedalus: it's always fun to think about the possibilities
hateful teenager: but, like... it always depresses me to think about it
Fallen Daedalus: because the entire human race doesn't really have any significance..
Fallen Daedalus: and we don't really matter in the scope of the universe and infinity
hateful teenager: exactly
hateful teenager: with the universe being infinite, then nothing we do matters
Fallen Daedalus: even though we think that we're superior to almost everything
hateful teenager: because it will be done an infinite amount of ways and times anyway
Fallen Daedalus: maybe on earth, but what is earth compared to the billions of other planets?
Fallen Daedalus: the most depressing thing is that most people don't ever think of things like this
hateful teenager: so if nothing we do matters, why do anything, or why not do things you want to do?
hateful teenager: i think about it all the time
Fallen Daedalus: me too.
Fallen Daedalus: think of all the problems that wouldn't exist anymore if people actually realized that
hateful teenager: if everyone realized that, i think we'd have anarchy
hateful teenager: like, completely anarchy
Fallen Daedalus: hm
Fallen Daedalus: yeah
hateful teenager: no one would follow any rules, because it wouldn't matter
hateful teenager: helping your neighbor shovel snow in the winter wouldn't matter because it'd be pointless... like, helping other people would be pointless unless it made you truly happy to do so, but if you knew it didn't matter, i don't see how it could... it would come down to everyone trying their hardest to seek carnal pleasures
Fallen Daedalus: the universe is a finite system but parallel dimensions exist.. almost definitely infinitely many parallel dimensions and with infinitely many dimensions, all things will play out
hateful teenager: yeah
Fallen Daedalus: well, I was being optimistic and unrealistic saying that people would actually be able to live without a government
Fallen Daedalus: ideally that would happen
hateful teenager: so if all things will play out whether i (i figuratively, not necessarily me) exist or not, and i'm not enjoying existing, is there any reason why i should continue existing?
Fallen Daedalus: no
Fallen Daedalus: but life, I think, is meant to be enjoyable
Fallen Daedalus: why wouldn't you want to live?
hateful teenager: yes, but if one's life isn't, and that person doesn't really want to try to make it that way, does that person have any business existing, or does simply stopping make the most sense?
hateful teenager: well, why would you if you knew it didn't matter and that you weren't even having fun
Fallen Daedalus: I guess your religious beliefs could determine your answer for that.
Fallen Daedalus: well, how could you not have fun living?
hateful teenager: heh, i have no religious beliefs
Fallen Daedalus: i figured that, but I'm talking about people in general
hateful teenager: well, if you believed everything we've just talked about, i don't see how you could have religious beliefs
hateful teenager: they would conflict, wouldn't they
Fallen Daedalus: Yeah..they dont' really coincide with any religion.
Fallen Daedalus: that I've heard about, anyway
hateful teenager: yeah
hateful teenager: well, all that being said, today is the one year anniversary of the day i first kissed christine... we've been together one year exactly, some time this evening... i'm going to have a romantic evening, and try to enjoy myself
hateful teenager: it was nice talking to you
hateful teenager: i guess i'll catch you later
Fallen Daedalus: you also
Fallen Daedalus: have a good time
hateful teenager: thanks
christine and i hit one year on the sixth of this month. i obviously wasn't in the most positive mood that day, as you can tell from the conversation. i think i was tired and miserable. i actually thought about calling her and trying to figure something out where we could reschedule the date. that's how shitty i felt. i ended up getting myself under control and going to see her, and took her out for a really nice dinner at a restaurant called the hideaway. it's a great place... i love it there. it's sitting right on a swampy marsh, with huge windows all over. the attraction is that there are animals in the marsh. they have birdfeeders, and probably leave out salt licks or cornmeal for deer. christine and i spent dinner watching a fat little woodchuck happily chew away at some plant. after that, we ended up walking around the beach until i hurt my neck jumping over a fence. once i realized my neck wasn't just going to stop hurting, we rented kill bill and went back to her basement and just curled up and watched it. all in all, it was a really nice night. i'm glad i got over whatever was bothering me.
i was trying to avoid putting mundane day to day "then i did this, then i did this, then i did this" stuff in here, but that was a special night, and i think it deserves recording.
kind of relating to all the nihilistic thoughts i've been having lately, i'm more inspired than ever to do something musically. i guess i just figure that if i make enough music to put on a CD, and then get that CD published, and then someone buys that CD, i've made a pretty big mark on the world... even if it only sells 20 copies. i've got something that exists; tangible proof that says "kyle cassidy existed in the year 2004." like, it must feel amazing to hold something like that in your hands that you know you created yourself, and will outlive you. that's why i really hope georgia gets her children's book published. she might not look at things the same way i do, but no matter how you look at it, it's got to be a good feeling.
i don't know if i ever mentioned in here that i got a drum machine. i traded some pedals and $60 for it. it's a boss dr-202. nothing, special... in fact, it's kind of crappy. i don't care, though. it'll suit the purposes for which it will be used: heavily distorted powernoise rhythms and ultra-minimal synthpop patterns.
for my birthday later this month, christine bought me a synth. it's the korg electribe A, original version, not the mkII. similar to the drum machine (although not nearly as junky) it's just a small box with a limited number of features and some decent sounds. it'll do just fine. i can't wait to play with it. it's capable of all kinds of stuff... everything from pop to noise, so i think it will be perfect for me.
i wrecked my car a couple of weeks ago. shitty. like, fucking totaled the thing. now i need to pay off the loan for it and take out another one to buy another car. ultra-shitty. i hate owing money. it gives me the same feeling i'd get in middle school when the teacher was going around collecting homework and i knew i didn't have it. just a kind of guilty dread.
christine's parents are gone for about two weeks, and thursday night, i'm going to her house. i got next week off from work, so i'm going to stay with christine for over a week. i'm so excited.
it's going to be an awesome week.